[MissS]

I've not posted in a while, as it seems I only turn to all of you when I'm in crisis.
We have an adopted daughter(2), and were placed at birth with her half-brother, with the intent of adoption.
He is now 7months old, they just granted TPR, and my husband and I are REALLY struggling with bonding with this child. He's got some medical/physical issues, and has been challenging all along, and we don't know what to do. We love our daughter with everything we have, and we know the best thing for her would be to keep them together, but only if we can love him as well, which is looking less and less likely. Before TPR occurred, I thought we just needed more time, and now we're kind of out of time, and nothing is getting easier.
I don't want to make the wrong decision, and hurt my daughter, but I don't know that my husband and I will survive this if we keep him!

[Vitality08]

It's better that you realized this now, before the adoption then after.

If you don't feel that you and your husband can take care of him then you need to let him go. Your daughter will understand.

Maybe they'll find him a family that is open to a relationship with you so that the kids will always know each other.

[meshsgrl]

Maybe God has another family out there that is just waiting for a little boy like him. Maybe there is a good reason why you can't love him like your daughter.

My kids bmom will most likely have another child someday... I at this point do not want a baby.

I am all for siblings being together... I just took in an older brother to my little one (still working hard on bonding)

But I keep going back to bmom having a baby, and think of me.. I am not sure I could give 5 kids what they need for life, then I think of a childless couple somewhere that would just LOVE getting a newborn baby.... it seems unfair to the kids one hand, yet on the other hand, it seems only right!! But then again who knows, offer me a newborn baby and I just might not be able to say no!!! LOL

[Emmesmom]

I worry too about making the final committment. "P" might need to be adopted, and I've had her for 3 months and I'm just not sure I'm cut out for this. I keep hearing there is family she will go to and think, good I can do this for a while. But then when I hear she might need to be adopted, I get anxiety and worry, could I do this. She is 6 and ADHD. She is not on medication, but we have an appointment in a few weeks. Her teacher recommends the medication and I have to admit, I'm waiting to see if there is a difference in her behavior as well. I hope that is not wrong of me, but she needs constant attention, is so impulsive that she has burned herself in the kitchen trying to help with dinner reaching for the pan. She dosen't know how to wait for anything. She is cute as can be, smart, loving and I think she is attaching. But I am not sure.

[dachshunds4you]

You need to make the decision that is right for you and your family. If, after 7 months, you are still not feeling bonded with him, it would be in his and your best interest to say no to adopting him.

This in no way reflects bad on you, you have to make the right decision for all of you. You need to think, would it be fair to him, to let him stay in a family who would love him, but maybe not enjoy him.

He is still young enough, and there are so many families who would probably take him in a heartbeat. You may want to speak with your worker about this now, and by no means don't allow yourself to feel bad about your decision.

[MommyAlysia]

I feel kind of different than the PP. I don't think you should give up on him yet, unless you are *sure* he's not a right fit. Since you came here to ask, I assume there is a little doubt. If you decide to not to adopt him there is NO shame in that, you should only take what you can handle, but I think you can still potentially bond if you both are wanting to make this work, even though you haven't yet. Even parents of biological children sometimes take months to bond. My middle (bio)son was a difficult baby, while I loved him instantly it took me a long time to feel the same connection to him I had with my oldest. Talk to your husband, if you both WANT to make this work, maybe you should see an attachment therapist and/or look into different bonding activities. Try to make one-on-one time with him. If you'd rather not make the effort you should talk to your CW asap so he can be moved to a fost/adopt home, thats ok too. Many families are waiting to take a baby that age, even one with medical/physical needs. You need to do whats best for your family as a whole, not just your dd.

[JessicaBaker]

Originally Posted by MissS

...but I don't know that my husband and I will survive this if we keep him!

IMO, if you really feel that way, you would be doing this little guy a disservice by adopting him.

We had a little guy with a lot of special needs who we would not have adopted if TPR had been granted. Luckily, he is home doing well with his parents and we do stay in contact. I found out that I am not the right kind of parent for severely delayed children with medical challenges. There are people and families who do great with them though!

So although I never had to make the tough call that you are now making, I can imagine what it would be like (although it sure makes it harder that your daughter is a sibling). I agree with what a PP said that perhaps you could stay in contact with the family that does adopt him (if you don't).

I wish you all the peace and clarity possible as you make this decision.

[takingtheplunge]

Tough stuff. How bad is the medical?

I don't think bonding comes easily all the time. My sister had a very hard time bonding with her two bio-kids due to post pardom depression and having a husband that traveled a lot. She would get frustrated and tired of being sole caregiver; she often thought she was not fit.

That said, I could not imagine her giving away her kids and she couldn't either. However, there were many times when their collic, crying and terrible two's would have her question her ability.

Infants are tough, but it does get easier. Perhaps you need a vacation? Perhaps you need to hire a housecleaner and take a break. I just hate to see you pass on him due to "bonding" because I believe it can come in time. How do you feel when you are gone from him? Do you miss him?

Now, if you feel your job or life circumstance prevented you from caring for him and meeting his needs, then I could see moving him.

I don't think (as another suggested) that your daughter will understand if you tell her you gave him up due to bonding. In fact, I expect she would have serious issues with your decision and wonder if she was ever in jeopardy.

I know adopting him is a serious commitment, and so was adopting your first. I don't think you "owe" it to your daughter to adopt her brother, but you did take him into your home and care for him for 7 months. I assume your intent was there. Children aren't like husbands that you can divorce if things just aren't going right. Giving him away will make his second move -- his mother couldn't handle him and now you can't? Poor guy.

I don't mean to sound negative. It wasn't your fault the bio-mom gt knocked up again. I just am a little taken back because you opened your home to him for 7 months and now are thinking about changing your mind.

My baby's day care worker was adopted. She had been searching for her bio-sibling for years and states she has rejection issues because she was given away twice -- once my her b-mom and then again by another family.

I don't want to talk you into keeping him if it's clearly not right and he would suffer neglect in your home or it would ruin your marraige. You do need to maintain the marriage for your sake and your daughters, but perhaps prayer can help guide you. Be strong. Have date night with your hubby and try to enjoy each other to re-engerize yourself for them.