[Ssumner]

We are in the process of getting licensed and am excited about it. I have mentioned it to a few friends and they think I am totally nuts! One of my friend said "you must have ADHD to think of doing something like that!". Why do people respond so negatively? I am so nervous to even tell my mother-in-law. THere is such a need, and people really look down upon fostering. WHy do they get such bad rap??? I was also wondering what reasons people become foster parents????

thanks

[dachshunds4you]

It is really sad why people respond that way. We too limited the amount of people we told until we actually had our first placement. Some family and friends were so supportive and others were complete jerks.
We've now moved to TX and basically had to start over with telling our new friends what we are doing. Same responses as before.

I feel that they are just not able to open their hearts up like we can. We are not selfish about understanding the the first goal is RU, and we will support that decision.

We became foster parents first off since we have been unable to have children. At first we were a little afraid of the decision we made, but once we made it and started meeting other foster families, we became so excited. Now, 3 yrs later, we are so happy with the decision we made. We would love to continue doing this forever. We have learned so much and feel we have grown in understanding a lot of how the systems works and how much these kids really need a good and loving home.

Welcome!

[chevyjewel]

It's ignorance. Responses like that I mean.

Why do I foster? Because I'm great with kids, have a big heart and because there is a need. As tough as it is I don't see myself ever closing my home.

To those just naive to the need I try to educate and let them know what a terribly rewarding experience it's been for me, how much my kids have gotten out of the work we've done and how many kids we've helped and grown to love in the process. I've gotten a handful of others interested in fostering that way.


To those intentionally trying offend, those crossing the line into being malicious with their comments I'll typically retort something to the effect of "Well it's not for everyone, but good hearted unselfish people like to help their communities in any way they can. That's all I'm doing, just trying to help the kids in my community and teach my own children that there is more to life than living it only for themselves. Wouldn't want them growing up self absorbed and ignorant!" and seal it with a smile. The implication behind it usually shuts them up right quick. It's sad but true that now days many people don't feel the need to help anyone but themselves. Most don't want to get into what they don't do so they typically leave me alone about what I do, do.

[CaddoRose]

I agree with Chevy Jewel- It's ignorance on their part. People respond like that because they do not understand or they have preconceived notions about foster care that they get from different media.

We came to fostering because we wanted to add to our family and had always thought about adopting. We went to an informational meeting about foster/adoption with CPS in Texas and felt that it was the right thing for us. We love being foster parents. Luckily we are adopting one of our foster children now, but we intend to continue fostering because we know as a couple it is one of our purposes in life. The opportunity came to us and we went with it.

You will hear all types of horror stories about fostering and adopting ,etc, but if you think about it, those same people probably have a horror story about any subject you bring up whether it is adopting, surgery, foreign travel or any numerous subjects you can imagine!

[fredalina]

IMO with most people it's pure ignorance. They have heard stories about foster care, or they look at it selfishly ("i wouldn't want to give them back"), or they just never bothered to think about it period. Some can be educated, some can't. i usually bother to educate friends and family, but don't bother with coworkers, acquaintances, and strangers.

For some, it's a way of making themselves feel better. They know there's a need, but they don't want to do anything about it. So they say something ugly to make themselves look/feel better. Again the "i couldn't give them back" comments are a good example of this.

For some people, they assume you don't know what you're doing and they, being the great and all-knowing person that they are, must "educate" you. These *really* annoy me more than the other two groups.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by Ssumner

We are in the process of getting licensed and am excited about it. I have mentioned it to a few friends and they think I am totally nuts! One of my friend said "you must have ADHD to think of doing something like that!". Why do people respond so negatively? I am so nervous to even tell my mother-in-law. THere is such a need, and people really look down upon fostering. WHy do they get such bad rap??? I was also wondering what reasons people become foster parents????

thanks

What an ODD response! I've heard plenty of people getting negative responses (all mine have been pretty positive, other than expressing concern for me ) but I know others have had that happen - but "ADHD"?? I don't even get what she MEANS by that...it sounds ignorant and uneducated about BOTH fostering AND ADHD. And having ADD myself, I think I'm a little offended ;-) Does she think it means "mentally deficient" or something like that?

[thelowlanders]

Alot of the negativity we received from people about foster care, came from their concern for our own children. They felt that if you don't have any, go for it. But if you have young ones of your own, to seriously consider the effects. We just smiled and nodded and said "Well, we'll see" and boy did we....

Being malicious is never okay though. I agree.

Everyone has a different experience and a different opinion. My opinion... wait till your own are quite a bit older (13+) before taking on a child who needs the time and attention of 5 children. But that is just from our experience. Due to our style of consistency in parenting, they love what they saw in the kids placed here and gave us very hard ones knowing we could make a difference. I hear there are alot of Foster children that can just fit right into a family, and have not been through so much abuse and neglect like our previous placements. Yet again, that is simply one family's opinion. And we have found many other ways we are planning to be involved with the system other than fostering. So it's been an excellent learning experience and a great way to learn other opportunities to help these children and the community.

You do whatever you family has decided to do or try, and walk proudly knowing you have big hearts ready to fill a need and saw this one.

[humanchild]

I think most people just don't get it. I personally HATE it when people say, "I could never give them back". It makes me feel like they are saying they would love the kids more than I do, and we all know that's not true. I work with the kids and families for RU (when appropriate) BECAUSE I love them so much. And I know that is not actually what most people are saying when they say they "couldn't give them back" but that is what my heart hears.

[jbee]

we did it because dh was in social work and teaching, doing two jobs and never home. decided we could do foster care, which would still be helping kids, get paid, and work only one job. that went out the window once we got three fosters. now we do daycare and foster and he is here all the time with me and the kids.
people are ignorant. 'foster kids stab you in your sleep' or 'burn your house down'. those same people have gotten over it once they met the kids. and we got a son out of it. we have gotten two other families into fostering. people's minds are being changed.
our familes were also concerned for our littles, but we are very very careful what fosters we take, and are still careful once they move in.

[Sue71]

I feel for you totally. I am still at the stage of trying to convent my husband that we can help the children in need and when I mentioned to friends,relatives,and someone who was an actual case worker for years.Their responses are just like what you got. such as: are you out of your mind? or you are crazy or anything negative. I don't understand this and starts when that a big heart person equal to crazy and abnormal? I am sadden by all the negative responses.

[4cats2kids]

We got into fostering because a grandchild was placed in foster care. When she was in care for 7 months the CW Finally got our name from my husbands daughter.

We started PATH classes that night {6/10}. Moved GD in a few weeks later {7/9} and were certified the end of October. TPR happened in Jan and we are adopting.

We decided to continue fostering. Our first placement was the exact opposite of what they taught us in path classes. The first week was a night mare. We are on day 10 of our placement and it is getting easier. Much easier!

My friends think I am nuts do not come around anymore. But I have started a new support network of foster parents. And could not be happier.

[Yes2Kids]

I think we alll get that response, it really hurt at first when friends stop calling and family just thinks we are nuts. But then I look at what I am teaching my bio kids, and I look at my FS, who was abused and how he has come so far since being with us and knowing what it is like to be safe and loved and not hurt. And that is what ut us all about...helping these hurt children..so when I hear "are you nuts?" I just smile and say yes, and I thank God for sending these children to me.

I just love also when they say, "You are doing a great thing, but I could never do it", but what they really mean is they do not want to take the time and effort.

I agree it is not for everyone, but if you truly feel it is, then find a foster support group and know you are doing a great work..

[laceyc]

I hear a lot of the same responses. We had 2 m/c last year and then at work I started hearing about children who had been abused and abandoned by their mothers and I was so heartbroken that any child would feel unloved and unwanted. DH and I both grew up a 2 parent home where we always knew we were loved and wanted. There was always food on the table, clean clothes to wear and expectations about school work and academic acheivments. We are about 1/2 way through the process of getting certified. We have a 2y/o and have adjusted our age range to 3 and under and will not take placement of sexually abused children. We have taken some of the negative comments and discussed how we can prevent those things from happening in our family. We are at the place right now where we have space and the financial means to help a child. We also want to help the parents...you know if the threat of losing their kids makes a parent take time to get things together and time to concentrate on getting themselves together is what it takes then let me take of the kids so mom can take care of herself so she can take care of the kids later. I have not had to give one back yet and I am sure it will be difficult but I am going into with the mindset that the kids will go back so I am hoping that helps make it easier. Sorry this is so long but I am quite passionate about my reasons for doing this.

[takingtheplunge]

I admit I had negative thoughts about foster care, and even worse thoughts about adoption through f/c. I admit my ignorance.

I was pursuing adoption through Russia and heard that they viewed children in orphanages as second class citizens. I thought, how could they do this? Then, I heard Russia started their own foster care program albiet not as formalized as ours. It wasn't until a friend of a friend told me to call a lady who was doing foster care that I realized how ignorant I was. Here I wanted to "save" a child in another country and was blind to the children we have here. I blame the media, partly.

[quiescentfury]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

but I know others have had that happen - but "ADHD"?? I don't even get what she MEANS by that...it sounds ignorant and uneducated about BOTH fostering AND ADHD. And having ADD myself, I think I'm a little offended ;-) Does she think it means "mentally deficient" or something like that?

I had the same reaction. I too am ADD and take a lot of offense to that comment.

We have had both positive and negative. We have a lot of people support us though. Telling my mom we may be adopting #6 though was tough. My mom is very pestimistic and I have to listen to her go on about what "Could" happen and how "lucky" we have been so far. I let her speak her peace and then tell her I am doing it anyways. i try to educate her with stats. But in the long run my kids are the ones that prove her ideas wrong and she loves them and they love her.

We began fostering because we adopted one child privately and then did cradle care for our previous agency. Saw a birthmother who did not want to place and was not educated on the process by the agency. Decided we would never adopt privately again. We decided we wanted to adopt from fostercare, but were surprised by getting pregnant. Since we had out license we decided to do straight foster care. 2 years later we are adopting 2 girls and have been approached about adopting a 13 year old boy, so we may be adding #6.