[shainamsu]

i'm just wondering something. i just made a previous post about our FD's bio dad petitioning for custody. she's never met him and he lives in CA, we live in MO. he wants weekly phone calls, which i agreed to and am fine with. however, we know nothing about this guy. i've never had a placement where this has happened before. should i supervise the phone conversations by speakerphone? i mean, she's 5, so she doesn't really have a lot to talk about other than playing kitchen and princess, but i'm more worried that he'll say something like "you're coming home soon" and have her start thinking that she's going back home to her mom, which is the only "home" that she really knows. should i speak to him briefly beforehand and let him know that she may know have a great association with "daddy" since mom's boyfriend is the one rosebud knows as "daddy," the one who abused her?

i'm just so confused by all of this. we were set to adopt before he randomly came along, but if this is going to be a good home for her, i want it to go as well as possible. i just want what's best for her and i want to make sure that it goes as smoothly as it can...

[Kat-L]

I would definately talk to him first and let him know that she may associate "daddy" with the abuser. Maybe he can choose an alternate name like "Papa" to keep her from being confused. Also, I would ask him to send her a picture so she can visualize him. Also, I would ask him not to talk to her about moving because her cw or therapist wants to be the one to discuss it with her if they decide to move her. That way, he'll know it's not YOU deciding what he can or can't talk about. I would also let him know you will be using speakerphone since you're supposed to be monitoring their contact. If he's on the 'up and up', he should be fine with it.

[Singlemom619]

YES put it on speaker.

I used to have my son's calls on speaker and they were going well for a year so I stopped listening...

A few months later he started acting out and I found out that she was saying things, and a cousin around his age was saying things to him on the phone.... ARG I wish I hadn't stopped listening

[brighteyes810]

I agree with Kat-L, it's great advice. Not only do I think it would be beneficial for your FD to talk to her Dad ahead of time, but it is important for you to listen to the conversation. Unfortunately, you don't know this guy or if he has any boundaries. He could have poor boundaries and talk about your FD going to live with him (which would probably be scary for her).

When our kids were still in foster care, they had missed a couple visits, so I asked the SW about having a “phone visit” since our kids were missing their first mom. Even though the SW and visitation supervisor had told the first mom over and over and over again she wasn't supposed to, she still started talking to the kids about “when they go home” during the phone visit. (She has a habit of doing things she wants when she thinks she can get away with it. I don’t think she realized I knew she wasn’t supposed to talk about this.) I was listening to the conversation on the other phone (per the SW instructions), and had to correct her on the phone in front of the kids (awkward). Of course, she lied to me and told me that the SW told her it was perfectly fine to talk to the kids about this. I explained that I was just following orders and that wasn't what I was told. I had her wrap up the call at that point.

Also, unfortunately, it isn't uncommon for a parent that wasn't in the picture before to suddenly appear and say they want their child, or to suddenly start participating in services at the last minute. Often, but not all of the time, these same parents tend to eventually drop back out of the picture.

Kudos to you for trying to facilitate an easy transition for your FD. I know this must be hard for you. It sounds like you truly love her and are seeing the situation through her eyes. Not everyone has the ability to do this, too often I see people that just want what they want, and disregard how their actions or words may affect the kids. It's such a great thing when a caregiver can see the world through their kids' eyes, and make decisions and actions based on what is best for their child, even though it may be very hard on the caregiver.

[shainamsu]

thank you for all of the support and advice. the social worker wants the calls monitored, and i confirmed that with her.

but the thing is, after all of the hoopla and him flying in from CA and going through all of this.... HE DIDN'T EVEN CALL!!! these saturday phone calls are the only communication that he will have with her until june. i shouldn't have been surprised, but i really was! he has my number and the number of everyone involved in the case. if he wanted to talk to her or find me somehow, he certainly could have. i was so nervous all day waiting for this phone call and what he would say to her, and nothing!

*sigh*... ah, well. at least we didn't tell her that he was calling. my husband mentioned at one point that were expecting an important phone call, and rosebud said knowingly, "oooooh..... about fixing the water?" (our water pressure has been on the fritz lately). we just laughed and went on with the day.

craziness!!