[potentialsinglemom]

but try again to convince me why mom strips the baby down weekly, CHANGES his clothes like he is a paper doll.

She only has a one hour supervised visit a week. AND!!! they clothes she puts back on him, smell awful and are in bad shape. Visit number 5, strip down number 5. Yep, I know she is providing clothes that he will be wearing to his visits.

The brand new clothes she stripped him out of last week and kept, she told the senior cw that she did not know what I was talking about, when asked about them. WHAT!!!!

Muscles' regular cw only has THREE (3) cases right now. She is brand spanking new. She was suppose to be supervising. She acknowledge the clothes, but the senior cw says it my word against the mother's.


I am learning.

[gdaisy]

After being a foster parent for over two years, I found that parents will try to control even the littlest things during their visits. IT FRUSTRATES ME TO NO END. However on the other hand I have realized that this is one of the only things that the parents have control over. I have learned to send the kids in clothes that I don't care how or if they really come back. I have told the Now if the child was being hurt physically in some way or emotionally believe you me...I would be the first in the line of complainers.

Along with the clothes issues my FS mom refuses to allow us to cut his hair. No it is not a cultural or religious belief. She just wants a little bit of control. So we adapt... pony tails when he eats. Barrettes at home only to keep the hair out of his eyes...etc.

[Mummy_Big_Bird]

I only send kids to visits in the stuff the parents provided. I keep it all separate. When it goes in the laundry, I put a diaper pin on it, so it dosen't get mixed up with my stash of stuff.

[meshsgrl]

I only send kids to visits in the stuff the parents provided. I keep it all separate. When it goes in the laundry, I put a diaper pin on it, so it dosen't get mixed up with my stash of stuff.

Oh that would be a good idea!! I can imagine her reaction if at the next visit he would be wearing those not so nice clothes she provided!!

I have 5 kids and only one has visits and those are with his bdad who is not your "typical" bio parent.... he sent me a HUGE trash bag full of NICE clothes!! They were from his other son.

[Kat-L]

I would dress him only in the clothes the mom provided. Stain treat & wash them so they'll smell okay. If anyone questions, tell them the truth. I can't afford to have nice clothes disappear during visits.

[mrstkg1]

I feel your pain, I am in that situation now, except times that by 3 children and that's alot to keep track of.

Unfortunately I can only send the kids in things I can afford to lose. Sometimes they look rag tag and I hate that, but what is a person going to do?

[Chancey]

I agree with PP's. Send them in the clothes that she has changed them into. Don't send them again with your clothes!

[brighteyes810]

I used to send our kids to visits in older clothes that were stained or had holes that they wouldn't normally wear unless they were going to do something like a messy art project. This was because when they went in normal clothes, they always came back filthy dirty, often with holes and stains. I'm not sure how this occured, since they rarely got holes or stains in their clothes under my care or in school.

So, I made sure to tell the SW that I was intentionally sending the kids in these kinds of clothes because the their clothes were being ruined at visits, and I didn't want her to think we always dressed the kids like that. (The clothes I sent the kids to visits in weren't rags or totally awful, but weren't what I would have liked to send them out of the house wearing.) I felt somewhat bad that the kids had to leave the house dressed like that, but the first mom didn't provide clothes for them to wear, and I couldn't afford to keep replacing perfectly good clothes. When sending the kids off for visits, I would happily have let the kids wear new or good clothes the first mom had provided.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

I would dress him only in the clothes the mom provided. Stain treat & wash them so they'll smell okay. If anyone questions, tell them the truth. I can't afford to have nice clothes disappear during visits.

i am thankful that i never had this problem, but i would have done this had i needed to.

[takingtheplunge]

I rarely side with actions of b-parents as many are off a bit which is why kids are gone. But . . .

Don't you have fun dressing your baby? I know I do. Within the first three months, I changed her at least three times a day. I wanted to see her in all the adorable clothes I bought or got. Even the so-so handed down clothes from office co-workers I wanted to see her in.

Perhaps she just buys what she can afford (thrift shop clothes) and fantazies how her baby will look in them. When she does see the baby, she wants to play with him and change him. What's the harm?

If she is visiting and keeping her visits once a week, I would be more worried about losing the baby to mom through r.u. and less about a pair of clothes I bought for him/her. (This is just a thought -- I don't mean to upset you.)

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by takingtheplunge

What's the harm?

I would be more worried about losing the baby to mom through r.u. and less about a pair of clothes I bought for him/her. (This is just a thought -- I don't mean to upset you.)

I've never lost clothes during visits. However, I buy the majority of my foster kids clothes from Gymboree. I take good care of the clothes by stain treating and washing in cold water. I want them to look cute (clean, hair braided & conditioned, nice clothes) when they go to visits so the birthparents know they are well cared for. If I'm paying $20.00 for a t-shirt or $40.00 for a dress, I would want to make sure I got it back after the visit.

Having clothing disappear is a waste of taxpayer money since I use foster care checks to buy the items. And it's a waste of my time (spent shopping & washing clothes for visits). Part of my job as a foster parent is buying appropriate clothing for my foster child. I'm sure it's tons of fun for Mommy to play babydoll dress up with her child. However, foster parents are the ones left with the job of replacing missing items-not the birthparents. I, for one, would NOT want to have to replace clothes each week (regardless of whether it was a $5.00 shirt from Old Navy or a $40.00 polo shirt from Ralph Lauren).

Also, Muscle's mom isn't just dressing her baby up in clothing she bought and putting the newer clothes back in his diaper bag. She's taking his new clothes week after week and saying she doesn't know what's happening to them. If Muscle's Mommy wants to lose his clothes, let it be the old clothes SHE bought-not the brand new clothes the foster mom bought.

[mrstkg1]

Yes, that's the problem. I have no problem with them playing dressup or changing their clothes 100 times. It's the fact that my original clothes are not returned. Sometimes the clothes they wear back are nice, but too big and seasonally inappropriate. It's bad when you send a child in a decent pair of jeans and sweatshirt in 35 degree weather and the child comes home with a mini-skirt, short sleeved thin summer shirt with midriff showing and no socks at all, just completely bare legs. That's my dilemma

[takingtheplunge]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

Also, Muscle's mom isn't just dressing her baby up in clothing she bought and putting the newer clothes back in his diaper bag. She's taking his new clothes week after week and saying she doesn't know what's happening to them.

Perhaps I misread potentialsinglemom's post, but her clothes were taken on the 5th visit, and she said visits were lasting one hour. Clothes are not (yet) being taken on an on-going basis and she didn't say anything about weather inappropriate clothes.

I sense such a hostile tone from Kat-L. Regarding tax payer money, spending $40.00 on one baby clothing item is not wise, anyway. And I agree we should consider taxpayer money. If we have money left over from the stipend, we can invest in educational toys or books that will really make a longer term difference than if he/she is wearing Gymboree? Don't get me wrong. I've bought Gymboree, but I wouldn't send the baby away in it. I'd dress her in Carters outlet clothes or Miniwear (just as fashionable at a fraction of the cost.)

I heard a saying this week. "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

Children's clothes are a dime a dozen. If potentialsinglemom emails me her address, I'll send her and outfit and a book. Meanwhile, I'll pray for the health and wellbeing of the baby and that the baby can stay with her since she seems like a great parent.

I realize this forum is meant for people to reach out for support and I don't want to seem uncaring. I cry all the time when I read some of the posts on this site. This one just made me think that there are bigger issues in life and maybe, just maybe bio-mom wasn't all that bad.

[AmahMama]

I had a bioMom that changed the baby at least 5 times during each 1 hour visit. And she had 2 per week. She always sent home a bag of to small or inappropriate clothing for him to wear. If something fit - that is what was worn to the next visit - washed, etc. Only 1x did I not get my clothing back and I documented that and sent it on to the cw. I was lucky... Anyhow she took pictures in each outfit and at court had all of the photos - told her attny that each represented a different visit!!! The cw called and asked me (!!!) how many times she had visited and told me what the deal was with the photos (she wasn't supervising - an aide did) and I told her why BioMom had so many different ones. Not only that - baby didn't like his clothing changed and screamed the ENTIRE time she was doing this. After that court date they allowed 1 clothing change per visit - and soon after baby went to relatives.

It is frustrating - and I understand the bio's wanting to 'care' for thier babies - but stealing is stealing - and I would document and ask that they make sure that babies clothing is returned to you. In my area - 'trading' clothing is not ok.

Good luck -

[potentialsinglemom]

Originally Posted by mrstkg1

Yes, that's the problem. I have no problem with them playing dressup or changing their clothes 100 times. It's the fact that my original clothes are not returned. Sometimes the clothes they wear back are nice, but too big and seasonally inappropriate. It's bad when you send a child in a decent pair of jeans and sweatshirt in 35 degree weather and the child comes home with a mini-skirt, short sleeved thin summer shirt with midriff showing and no socks at all, just completely bare legs. That's my dilemma

Well the last three visits....
a) she put clothes over clothes and it was hot outside, and he was drenching with sweat when he was brought back to the daycare.

b) I had just taken the tags off the clothes and washed them the day before the visit and did not get the clothes back.

c) this week's visit she took the clothes he was wearing, HOWEVER, they were the ones sent him back in last week.