[thelowlanders]

Just would like to hear from all perspectives. How is it effecting your children? In positive and/or negative ways. Do you feel there's enough time in a day for everyone? How do you designate your time? How has it effected your family life? In your home and in your extended family, if at all. What's your opinion? Should people wait till their children are quite independent before committing to high need children? Or do you find it a good life experience for the younger to share, alot, from the beginning?

Honestly, from our experience, I feel like maybe we shouldn't do this to our children. That maybe we should wait till they're grown up. But, I've also been told by many that almost all foster children are not nearly as traumatizing for a family as our little ones have been. So I wanted to hear some other experiences. Whether positive or not so much.

[kimb1005]

I just received my first placement so maybe I'm not the best to answer but here goes anyway. I have three bios--almost 16, 12 and 4. When we started the journey my youngest and 2. It took us over a year and a half to get our first placement for various reasons. My first placement is 22 months--sweet but doesn't really know how to play with toys, and has what my DH terms "only child syndrome" . I'm a an onlie so I get what he means.
The positive--it has brought out a side in my older two that I wouldn't have seen otherwise. There is something about watching my almost 16 year old, 6'1, tough hockey player cuddling N. and reprimanding his youngest bro about not sharing. There is also something about watching the 4 year old adjusting to not being the baby and though he really doesn't comprehend too well the whole foster idea, showing some kindnessess.' Course he alo thinks we should go to the toystore, get N. his own toys so he doesn't have to share and also get him soem new toys.
Is there enough time in the day --nope but then there never is. Do I feel guilty that he goes to daycare --I did until I realized what he can get from daycare. Do I miss reading --yep but it too shall return.
But then, N. isn't so difficult. I think all three of them are learning something they wouldn't have learned otherwise.
Just my 2 cents for what it's worth. Again, N. is only 22 months and he really isn't that difficult.

[DannieAS]

Only child syndrome???? LOL....yeah well I was an only and my mom tried to get it in my head that just because I liked to share doesn't mean that I should let others break my toys either and scratch me....

It depends on the family....my cousin and his wife had a young boy and started fostering....it was horrible...but then again they don't do too well in the structure/routine either so it was bound to be doomed. In short, they decided they couldn't handle it.

[Mystik]

I think this largely depends on the parenting style, and a bit to do with the personality type of the biological child. The biggest issue I can see is that many young children like to "mimic" what they see, so if a foster child were to come in with less than pleasant behaviors and the biological child was to decide those behaviors look like an interesting or fun thing to try out then that could potentially cause some issues if the parenting style is not one that can quickly correct that.

Another issue I can see is the potential risk of bios getting hurt either physically, emotionally or both by the foster child and the parents ability to cope and deal with that sort of situation should it arise (and it will!). I know that personally I find myself going into a serious defense mode when one of the kids I'm doing respite for causes a injury or mistreats one of my babies.

So, I believe this just comes down to being a personal decision and knowing what's best for you & your family. You know yourselves the best and you know what you can & cannot handle. Just because some families do it doesn't mean it's for everybody and vice versa!

[sarah3015]

we have 3 young girls and I am expecting my fourth boy/girl??? We have had a mixed experience so far. our first placement was a 3yo boy and we had some major issues to overcome with him, in the end, he did respond and a lot changed but then he was moved. To be honest, even through the rough patches we had with him, I would never go back and change the fact that we had taken him as our first placement. My girls loved him, they were able to see through his anger and tantrums even when I couldn't. They reminded me constantly how forgiving and loving and accepting little people can be. But because of some of the issues my dh and I had dealing with fs (time, energy, etc) we decided to go with 1 and under with our next placement. fd is a doll baby. I don't regret it for one second. She will be leaving us soon to and I have been preparing my children all along, so as much as we will all grieve, I think they will be ready when that day comes. I have been blessed, I guess, I have have overall a decent experience so far with the children that have been placed with me and my family, for the most part they fit very well. We are going to take at least a year break after baby is born and the will reassess what we are going to do after that. I do believe that my girls have gaind empathy and compassion and patience and a larger world view by being a part of this journey with us!
Sarah

[mommytoelmolover]

For us I think so. Our first placement was 2 girls (ages 4 and 6). They were typical kids. the oldest was very hyper and wanted constant attention but no major issues. They were with us 3 months and then moved to the grandparents home to be with their brothers. It was very difficult for us to meet their needs (altough not huge needs) because our baby born prematurely 10 days after they were placed with us was very sick. He was hospitalized several times and I felt pulled in every direction.

When he was 11 months old we got a call for a 3 year old girl who was supposedly a traditional placement. THe same day I found out I was pregnant. My pregnancy has been rough this time (due in May). The little girl ended up having RAD and was a major handful. She was very jealous towards my son (she thankfully was never physically violent towards him). SHe would rage and scream and spit. My husband said he felt like he was on an episode of supernanny when we would have to put he back in timeout 40 times. We had her moved because trying to care for a 1 year old, being pregnant, and caring for her was too difficult. I'm also high risk fro preterm labor and she refused to comply and would have to be carried frequently which was not something I could do.

Due to her jealousy issues I asked them to move her to a home with no other small children. they said they would but ended up moving her to a home with another 3 year old girl so I would suspect she is having difficulties there too.

We have decided to hold off while the boys are little so we can give them out best instead of weariing ourselves thin trying to meet everyones needs.

[stevenstwin]

I will NOT do it again until my children are grown, especially if it is my intention to keep fostering teenage boys. And no, I'm not even talking about "safety" issues when I say that. I fostered several boys when I was living on a reservation up north when I was childless,and when my first was just a baby, and it was fine. However,the 2 years with A. were very, very hard on one daughter, and I think took a lot away from the other one even though she doesn't see it herself. I feel like I missed out on a good chunk of time in their formative years, and that is something you can never get back.

[chevyjewel]

I agree that it totally depends on one's parenting style. If a foster parent is easily stressed, the stress of another temporary addition can easily transfer to their biological children. If one is relaxed, and takes those stresses in stride, that sense of calm in the chaos can also easily transfer to their biological children and it helps everyone cope.

Specifically:

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

How is it effecting your children? In positive and/or negative ways.

So far the ways fostering has affected my kids have been nearly all positive. Of course I'm biased because I'm their mother but they have become the most empathetic little souls I've ever seen. Their sense of awareness at their ages, knowing that not all children are as blessed as they are and them wanting to help those kids in anyway they can astounds me. When new kiddos come in they fight over who gets to share their room with them and usually overwhelm said new kiddo with all their toys. They take on a softer gentler play style the first week or so while new kiddo is adjusting, something I wish would stick around but once new kiddos is more comfortable they become one of the gang and the quiet soon disappears. My daughter will often come hold new kiddos hands at bed time if they're upset as I sit there trying to calm them down. For whatever reason new kiddos are sometimes only able to be comforted by my kids and not me. Maybe it helps them to see there is another little person here that feels safe and happy, I have no idea. I call her little mommy sometimes, despite all the trials and tribulations we've endured helping the kids we have she's told me when she grows up she wants to be a foster mom too. My son is stellar with our babies. He does this thing where he'll just nudge right up to them on the floor and lay there. It's fascinating to watch babies so quickly get used to his presense and start to turn towards him in the following days. Just a week or so in he becomes like a human paci lol. If they get upset he'll go lay by them and they'll curl up towards the nook of his arm and calm quickly. My son is infinately proud that he has this talent lol. I always tell him he's going to be a great daddy to his babies some day and he LOVES that. Says he's going to have 10 babies

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

Do you feel there's enough time in a day for everyone?

Some days yes, some days no. Things aren't always equal, sometimes the housework suffers but it's moot to me in the grand scheme of things. It's a lesson about life as much as any. Sometimes my kids don't get all the time they want with me but it makes the times we do spend together all that more special.

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

How do you designate your time?

Specifically, there are no specifics lol. We go with the flo, designation usually only sets me up for failure. If everyone is happy, healthy, clean and fed that day has been a success and that's what I shoot for.

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

How has it effected your family life? In your home and in your extended family, if at all.
What's your opinion?

My family life has been greatly enriched by our experience fostering without a doubt. My extended family have become infinately more aware of who I am as a person in watching how we help the kids we have. My parents have gone from "grand"parent fostering at a distance to becoming so excited to take on the role the minute a new kiddo comes home. Same things with my sisters who are always eager to get over here and meet the new arrival. My aunts uncles and cousins have become accustomed to extra additions and thankfully treat them as if they've always been a part of my family. During holidays and get togethers it's as if they're just one of the gang. Thankfully, the adjustment of a new kiddos presence has to date occured immediately, at least as far as my family has been concerned. The kiddos sometimes take a bit longer to warm up to them lol but their attitude of acceptance I believe helps them feel more quickly at ease.

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

Should people wait till their children are quite independent before committing to high need children? Or do you find it a good life experience for the younger to share, alot, from the beginning?

Yes and no. It's certainly not for everyone. For us it's been an excellent life experience I wouldn't trade for the world and my kids would say the same. I wouldn't fault others though if they don't have that same interpretation of their experiences. Or if they decided it wasn't for their family.

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

Honestly, from our experience, I feel like maybe we shouldn't do this to our children.

Then you shouldn't. IMHO it's as much about one's perception as it is about the actual experience itself. I don't see fostering as something I'm doing "to" my children, but rather something I'm doing "for" my children, as well as for other children. If I took on the attitude that fostering was something I was doing "to" my children, they'd likely adopt that same attitude and it would be a negative experience for us all. If you don't feel comfortable fostering in the future or think it's not a good thing for your family don't. Think of the ones you were able to help while they were with you and remind your children that all that hard work was not in vain. Even helping ONE child is a great achievement, and it should be celebrated

[thelowlanders]

Chevy jewel (and others too)- what ages are your chldrn? Or maybe, what ages were they when you first started fostering? Sounds like you've had a very positive experience


Our family has been very supportive and excited since day one. We never thought that fostering was something we are doing "to" our children. Just the cases we've been given I could never see as doing "for" my children. Really it's for the children who need a steady environment for a time, and perhaps our children will learn alot from our experiences. I think they've learned this time that sometimes, you can do everything "right" yet sometimes people have just been greatly damaged. And we can't continue to hurt others in our home if they're not part of our permanant family. We have to look out for the well being of our family.

The local office loves the change they see in the kids put in our home. They greatly appreciate our parenting style and have informed us numerous times that they really do not want to see us stop fostering due to the exceptionally hard placements we've been given. In fact we received a call today for another placement. It's so hard to not try that one more time, to see what normal fostering is like. Maybe our family would experience some of those positive, yet somewhat challenging times that normal foster families usually get to have....

[quiescentfury]

We have had really great experiences. We started fostering when Cory was 6 and Trey was 3 months. Those couple placememnts were babies and it was like twins. Then when we decided to do older kids Cory was 7 Trey was one and I was pregnant. We had issues at the very beginning with Cory getting adfjusted to having older kids, but has been fine once he made that adjustment. We did have a baby boy who was reaklly close to my youngest son. He was 1 at the time. That was really hard and he had a hard time sharing me. We decided we would not do babies again partly because of that. Our babies are just to young to understand, so we stick with older elementary and middle school kids.

[chevyjewel]

lowlanders - my daughter will be 6 next week, my son is 4. Took the premie twins (first placement) when they were just 3 and nearly 2 respectively. They don't know life any other way. Although I've had some super tough kids (as many here have) it obviously hasn't affected them much if at all because most of the kids they have no memory of.

My son is having a particularly tough time at the prospect of today. We are saying goodbye to Diva and Rebel who have been here 9 months. Last night we went through the pictures of all the other children we've helped and he didn't remember many of them. He was however super proud to see himself in those pictures with the kids, playing with them, feeding the babies...and we talked about how important it was Diva and Rebel move on so he can help more. Because there are more than WILL need us. Now he's still upset, but doesn't look at what's happening as something anyone is doing to be mean to him, or to punish Diva and Rebel. Even at 4 he understands there's reason behind it and that's helped him cope a bit.

There's no such thing as a completely 100% positive experience. Like I said earlier it's more about perception and being able to turn lemons into lemonade. I'm no Pollyanna but I do make it a point to try to pass that attitude on to my kids in all aspects of life, not just when dealing with the ups and downs of foster care. It's really affected who they are as kids in a positive way, I hope it's an attitude they keep with them for life

[jbee]

our kids are small and we have been doing this for three years. i don't see any ill effects from it so far, if anything they are more caring and understanding kids.

when i was a kid i never even thought about foster care, didn't know kids like that even existed. we have talked to dd who is in school, and if she sees a kid who is having problems, not as fortunate, etc. she dosen't automatically treat them like outcasts. she thinks 'maybe there is something going on that we don't see here at school', you know? my kids are much more empathetic and grateful for the life they have.

we have had mostly older kids, though. so it is easier to keep competition between the sets away. we do have time for everyone because they ages are so different. i don't know what it will be like when mine are older, hopefully we can take little fosters then.

[kxl164]

Our biokids were 4 and 2 when we started fostering.

"How is it effecting your children? In positive and/or negative ways."
-- In the very beginning our 4yo was worried about when she was going to have to live with another family, but once we explained that not ALL kids have to live with other families, just the ones who need help she was very much relieved. Also, she was anxious toward the end about "when that judge would just decide already," but other than that, she was totally accepting of her new siblings and showed a level of compassion and understanding that amazed us. Our 2yo was excited by her new siblings, she was already a highly verbal 2yo, but their placement just helped that along and taught her a way to be super logical far beyond her years. The only negative for her was my time, but she had always shared time with her sister so it wasn't a huge impact on her.

"Do you feel there's enough time in a day for everyone?"
--I've never had enough time in the day when it was just me, so that is nothing new.

"How do you designate your time?"
--We go to who needs us the most first, but we always make sure that each week both my husband and I spend at least an hour of one-on-one time with each child. We also a structured day which helps, keep focus on the kids and give me a small amount of time for myself too.

"How has it effected your family life?"
-- I feel we are better parent to all of our kids now. My husband and I are such a team and our ability to clearly communicate our needs to each other and about the children has greatly increased. Our children know that we are a family no matter what and life isn't always pretty or easy, but together we can handle anything.

"in your extended family"
-- Many people in our extended family thought we should wait to our birthchildren graduated from H.S. until we started fostering, but most have been supportive since then and so loving toward our children. They don't always (or sometimes even often) understand what trauma and neglect and attachment issues can do to children, which is annoying at times, but not insurrmountable.

"What's your opinion? Should people wait till their children are quite independent before committing to high need children? Or do you find it a good life experience for the younger to share, alot, from the beginning?"
-- This has been a good experience for us, but it is not for everyone and not for every child.

Only you can decide what is right for your family. We feel this has been right for us, not everyone feels that is has been right for us, but our children are all doing very well and have blossomed in our home, both bio and adopted, and we don't regret our decision to begin (or continue) fostering.

Other families need to not foster because that is what's best for their family and their children.

[aclee]

I was just curious why there is the emphasis on biological children here? We are working toward foster adopt now, and we have an adopted son that is 1 year old. Would the foster process impact him differently than it would a 1 year old that was our biological child?

Is it the addition of non biological children when you have biological already? Just trying to figure out if these same answers apply to me because I've been wondering how he will handle it, but I'm not sure if this is more specifically about when you have biochildren already in the home.

Thanks for clarifying.

[stevenstwin]

I took it to mean our "forever" children, no matter how they came to us. Those of us who haven't adopted tend not to think of that right away - we think in terms of "bio" and "foster" - sorry! But now that you bring it up, I wonder if it wouldn't be a somewhat differnet issue? I'm thinking that an older adopted child might be quite traumatized by seeing foster children come and go... might they not fear that they too might have to leave, sometime? Or maybe some version of "survivor's guilt" that they were adopted and the new ones aren't?

Originally Posted by aclee

I was just curious why there is the emphasis on biological children here? We are working toward foster adopt now, and we have an adopted son that is 1 year old. Would the foster process impact him differently than it would a 1 year old that was our biological child?

Is it the addition of non biological children when you have biological already? Just trying to figure out if these same answers apply to me because I've been wondering how he will handle it, but I'm not sure if this is more specifically about when you have biochildren already in the home.

Thanks for clarifying.