[shavon]

This is just a follow up to chevyjewls post..I agree with you..It mostly is about bashing the bios lately, it really irks me sometimes.

So I will start...

I have 2 foster children..2yr old princess and her half brother michellin man almost a yrear old (he is so chunky hence the name) any way...they came into my home almost a year ago..Bios were both in jail, dad is doing a wonderful job of getting his "act" together, he loves his son very much (not the father of princess).
Has he made mistakes??? absolutely but that does not mean he dont care for michellin man.

Bio mom...she is back in jail..I have never met her, but I did just a few days ago send her a little note and pictures of the kids. It would be easy to "bash" her on here if I wanted to. she hasnt made any kind of contact with her children, chooses drugs over them ect...But she is their mom and even though she has made terrible choices she still loves them and they love her. I truly feel sorry for her, she if very young and I am sure when she finally grows up she will regret all of this. that being said, I LOVE her children. And I could never say any thing ill agains her because she is apart of these babies and thety are apart of her. we are actually on the way to adopting little princess, even though she has made no contact with the kids I have let all the case workers know that I have no problem sending her pictures and updates on princess. again that is her mom, i could never take that away from her..

so hopefully the rest of you will join in on giving a happy update on bio parents, I am sure if you dig deep enough you will be able to think of at least one...

Shavon

[AmahMama]

We did an exercise at a foster training that I went to.

At the beginning of the training we wrote our 1 thing that we wanted to control about ourselves. I wrote sweets - I have a weight issue and I LOVE my chocolate. Some wrote smoking, some wrote negativity, some wrote complaining, etc. 1/2 way thru the training we wrote how many times we had tried to change this behavior. After a while we went back to this paper and wrote how long we have had this behavior. Towards the end of the training we went back and wrote the consequences of this behavior. Both good and bad.

Well to sum it up - I still eat chocolate, I have all of my life, I've tried giving it up for diets but it never lasted, I enjoy that rich taste, it makes me feel good, and I am a chocoholic. So I have not overcome my addiction.

The others in our group pretty much have the same outcome. A few had overcome their addictions - to nicotine (many), but they still think about it, if they had the 1st cigarette - they would be addicted again -

I am not trying to make light of the addictions that cause children to come into care - whether it is drugs, alcohol, filth, sex, anger, etc - I am a fully functioning adult and altho my addiction is not a danger to others - this exercise helped my to emphasize a little with what bios' are trying to overcome when they have children that come into care.

I hope I haven't mess up the reason for the exercise and I do not want anyone, in any way to think that I condone the bios not doing case plans or I am making excuses for them.

It did tho' help me gain a smidgeon of understanding into one of the issues many of them face.

[irelady10]

My fs' biomom has addiction issues and I often think of the situation in this way...have you ever seen the show "Intervention"? The addicts on this show have family support and an interventionist and get some of the best treatment available in our country- yet, MANY of them relapse. Now, what if you didn't have family support, lived in poverty, and the treatment available was not very good and certainly not long enough to truely address your issues; throw mental health issues into this mix. How many people would be able to overcome all this?

I am NOT making excuses for the bios who don't follow through on their plans; however, I am asking people to look at their situation from another persepctive.

People can overcome anything with determination and perserverance; many just lack the support needed to do so.

My little man's firstmom is a sweet person. She grew up with icky circumstances and is stuck in a cycle of addiction and mental health issues. These make her unable to parent him- but she still deserves honor and respect because she CREATED this amazing person that I have the honor to love everyday!

[Singlemom619]

It's funny because in person I do speak positively about Bmom... to my son, I defend her to some of my family members and friends, ect. But it's here where I can vent when things do come up. I NEVER say anything negative about her around my son and anything I say "negative" about her to my friends/family is factual stuff about things that have happen or things she's said when I'm trying to get ideas on how to deal with things.

When things are going well with her I don't post a question saying "WWYD if Bmom was doing well, following the guidelines set up...." Because clearly I wouldn't need to ask for other opinions I only post about her when things come up - so I posted this week and the last time I posted about her was back in November-ish when we had the major drama about contact.

BUT with all that said... I do believe that Bmom did really want what was best for my son and she tried as best as she could BUT her addictions and her own life experiences and lack of stable family members and friends caused her to faulter.

She could have appealed the TPR and the adoption - she didn't. She told me it was because she knew she couldn't do what I was doing and that she was glad he was with me. She knew she could appeal and it would drag things out and she said she didn't want to drag things out for him. She chose what she knew was best for HIM instead of hanging on to her dream of getting clean and getting him back.

Bfamily... (Bmom's sister and grandmother) do try to stay in contact as best as they can... with phone calls or just cards on his Bday - and that's important for him to know that they still think about him and that he's still a part of their family. They could just write us off. I actually spoke to Baunt (who has the same background as Bmom - even lost her kids to the system BUT she changed some major things and got them back and is doing the best she can now) and found out she was backing me up and she knew Bmom wasn't understanding what it's like to parent (Bmom was upset that I took away video games - some she had given him - when he got in trouble at school and home) and Baunt does the same thing when her kids get in trouble.

Baunt could have just bashed me and agreed with Bmom.

There are positives.

[BethanyB]

It's funny the chocolate thing came up because I looked at it that way too. I have tried to lose weight over the past few years and have been unable to do it. I LOVE sweets and it is an addiction for me. And no it's not hurting anyone and I'm not obese or anything but it's hard.

Another eye opener for me is a story about a good friend of mine. She is a teacher like me. Has never had a problem with any kind of drugs but went on a strong medication for depression. Well she became pregnant and had to come of this drug. It was SO hard for her. She had cold sweats and shaking and all of the stuff that comes with withdrawl. She couldn't do it. It was not that she didn't love the baby inside of her, this drug just had a hold of her. They ended up getting her off it eventually with other medications taking her down slowly but it was hard.

I feel very similiar to Shavon in that my kids mother is a part of them. When I was going through the process there was nitpicking towards how I took care of the kids but I understood it. It didn't make me that angry because I was the one with the children and here this mother was trying to fight and prove to people that she was not a horrible mother. I can imagine the feelings that people go through when they are at the worst moments in their life. A little compassion goes a long way.

And I think it's totally okay to ask questions and want support in this but I think some people are negative again and again about "the bios."

[Singlemom619]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

And I think it's totally okay to ask questions and want support in this but I think some people are negative again and again about "the bios."

I THINK but I'm not going to claim this is the hard and fast truth - that there are three types of foster parents...

1. The type that ONLY want to foster, and if a child comes up for adoption they tell the SW they aren't interested and they help the child transition to an adoptive placement. They know they're just here to help in the short term.

2. The type that go into the situation to foster but if the case turns to adoption they know they couldn't give the child up to someone else and so they adopt.

3. The type that go into foster care because they KNOW they want to adopt and this is the quickest/cheapest/whatever-est way to do it for them.

I think that some of those parents that are going into the situation to adopt and they are hoping/expecting each placement to be adoption from the first second of the first placement phone call - I think they have a tendency to be negative but it's because they (subconsciously) are seeing all the negatives and seeing how they could provide a better situation and they know they WANT a child and don't understand how someone else doesn't seem to want it as badly... I'm not trying to bash those people - I completely understand why/how they get to that point.

Then there are those Fparents in the 1st and 2nd group who hope the parents get things together (at least in the beginning) but as time goes on and they see more things hurting the children they may become a little more blunt about what's going on and it may be negative or may come across negative.

I know that with my youngest I did want/expect him to reunify with his relatives and I was trying to help (push) that along by contacting the relatives, offering to drive to them, ect.

But it came to a point when the relatives weren't doing anything to get him or to help him with what he was going through - and I had to finally acknowledged that I was the one trying to get him to go there and it shouldn't be ME - THEY should be stepping up. So I became more "negative" by stating the facts - how many times I'd called them, how many times they didn't show up for visits, how many times they said they didn't want me to take him to see them, how many times they didn't call... Some may say that I'm being negative - but I'm stating the facts.

Do I think they love him - yes he is part of their family and I do believe they love him... Do I think they're ready and capable of taking on another child - no I don't (based on health, economics, their history of parenting and what happen to the other children, ect.)

(WOW that was a lot of thoughts in one post and I don't know if it flowed and fit together as well as I'd like it to.) SORRY

[momof9wantingmore]

I know what you mean, we became foster parents with the sole purpose to help a child in need until they could be reunified with family. We were not going to adopt as we were in our forties and already had 6 children, but life does surprise you sometimes and we have adopted 3 of our foster children and are the adoptive resource for our little one we have now. I have always supported reunification, I have always tried to be positive about the bios(it can be hard) and tell myself time and again, they are these children's parents and they deserve to raise them if they can do it safely. Just because it might be different than the way they would be raised in my home doesn't make it bad or wrong. That said, when bios make poor choices time after time it did become difficult to stay positive. We came to love these children so much we couldn't stand the thought of them being hurt or neglected.
We have had children that have been reunified and it has been a wonderful thing, you can see the joy on the parents faces as they gather their children into their arms to go home. I pray for these children daily, as I also pray for the bios of my adopted children, that they do come to an understanding of what they have lost and can truly overcome their lifestyle issues and if they have other children that they will be able to parent them.

[BethanyB]

I think that some of those parents that are going into the situation to adopt and they are hoping/expecting each placement to be adoption from the first second of the first placement phone call - I think they have a tendency to be negative but it's because they (subconsciously) are seeing all the negatives and seeing how they could provide a better situation and they know they WANT a child and don't understand how someone else doesn't seem to want it as badly... I'm not trying to bash those people - I completely understand why/how they get to that point.

But that is exactly the problem and that is why many places no longer have fost/adopt.

I was a fost/adopt parent and I wanted to keep the children in my care and I did end up adopting them, however it was never MY place to say anything about their bio mother. Foster parents (especially fost/adopt parents) should not get a say in what the bio parents are doing. The state should be the ones who know record when the parents miss meetings or when they don't complete their parenting classes or drug rehab. It should not be our business, because feelings get the way and we project that to social workers and that is not right.

[jphollen]

Both sets of my current kids bioparents truly love their children. They struggle with various obstacles but they want to parent there children. They are good people who haven't always been able to make the best choices and probably because they themselves are victims of being born into this cycle. I hope they succeed. Honestly! All of my current kids have a r/u goal and I support it.

That said I do complain (on this board) when they do things that irk me. It's a safe outlet, to get my head straight and maintain a good outlook. I complain when they nit pick, it's annoying. I really don't think it's bio bashing! I let the first few complaints a week go after that I get grumpy...

[4cats2kids]

positive things about bio parents:

I guess it is my turn

My soon to be adoptive daughters story { granddaughter}. She was taken into custody for drug exposure and neglect. After a little over a year both parents signed a surrender. They were not able to work their plan because of their addictions. SO this is what happened that FLOORED me.

BIo mom loaned me the Baby book and all photos taken since birth. included in the book I hope you are all ready for this:
1} mothers birth certificate.
2} father agreeing to paternity.
3} copy of paper work sent to SS for ss #
4} original shot record
5} lock of hair from first hair cut
6} record of when all her teeth came in.
7} baby book kept up to date till the day she went into DCS custody { 3 years old}
8] Ultra sound pictures.
Her mother kept excellent records!

Two weeks later The father brought me all the pictures his family had taken.

DO my Bio parents love my FD? you bet
Did they want a better life for her? you bet
DO they still struggle with addiction? you bet

Are they bad people??? NO

I love both of my FD's bio parents, not the choices they made. They are both highly intelligent, polite, Funny, dedicated to a point. They just have drug problems that they just could not over come.

[dachshunds4you]

I wouldn't totally agree with those that go for the foster to adopt are the ones negative towards bios. We want to adopt but never have we been negative towards them. We say if their family has done what they need to do then by all means these kids need to go back with their parents. Yes we are sad when they go but know the best place for them (if they are approved and doing well) is their birth family. We have always maintained good relationships with the bios and still keep in contact with ad's bio mom. We are not required to do so but want to. So I don't think that's a fair assesment of foster to adopt parents.

That being said it is nice to hear good things about bios. They truly need all the help and support we can offer since they don't usually have any family or friends to help them.

[Singlemom619]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

But that is exactly the problem and that is why many places no longer have fost/adopt.

I was a fost/adopt parent and I wanted to keep the children in my care and I did end up adopting them, however it was never MY place to say anything about their bio mother. Foster parents (especially fost/adopt parents) should not get a say in what the bio parents are doing. The state should be the ones who know record when the parents miss meetings or when they don't complete their parenting classes or drug rehab. It should not be our business, because feelings get the way and we project that to social workers and that is not right.

I agree that it does cause problems and it is an issue BUT at the same time I think that DSS needs to take some blame for that... In my experience DSS has put foster parents (and fost-adopt parents) in positions they shouldn't be in. They shouldn't be supervising visits because then when they report things DSS can brush it off as the Fparent just wanting the child instead of taking it as a factual thing that happen... OR Fparents can nitpick and complain about every little thing... It also puts a burden and stress between the fparents and the bparents and causes an "I can't trust you" attitude because we are required to report things and they see it as tattling.

I think if DSS would NOT give the Fparents (especially Fparents that are in it to adopt) so much responsibility on the bparent part of the situation things would be better (we shouldn't be a part of the visitation process in my opinion - unless it's a point where the Fparents will adopt and they're trying to create a situation where it can be an open adoption). If Fparents really only had to deal with parenting the child then they wouldn't be interacting with the Bparents and wouldn't be complaining about the Bparents... I think this is especially true in cases where the Fparents' goal from day 1 is to adopt....

(I hope that made sense - why do I feel like everything makes sense in my head but when I type it out I swear it sounds totally incoherent?)

[fostapeepz]

If foster parents had nearly the support that birth parents do, I think there would be a lot less resentment and frustration.

But maybe I'm just bitter.

As far as positives about bio-parents. I can say that our kids bio-mom was always on time and always showed up. She often didn't talk, and just sat with her head down - but she showed up, and I had respect for her in that area.

[vernellinnj]

Nice to hear these nice things about the parents of the fosterchildren. I'm not one to bash parents on these forums. Generally I say very little about my case.

As a dedicated fostermom to the same child for just short of 3 years (child is four years old), I feel as if I should have some rights but sadly I don't. Cases that take as long as this are not fair to anyone - least of all the children. And, dare I say it, to me.

[Singlemom619]

Originally Posted by fostapeepz

I can say that our kids bio-mom was always on time and always showed up. She often didn't talk, and just sat with her head down - but she showed up, and I had respect for her in that area.

I can see why you would have respect for that - I think that is a VERY admirable thing for her to accomplish and based on what I've seen, heard, and read - it's not that common. I think that's a great thing to be positive about