[4cats2kids]

I am just flat out disgusted.

Both parents surrendered 1 on TPR day 1/13, and 1 a month before. This is kinship. We are adopting my Step grand daughter. Both parents wanted visitation. and we agreed. Tennessee is a closed adoption state so no paper work.

Since TPR mother ( step daughter) has been through rehab, went into it the day after she signed her rights away, She got out was clean for 3 almost 4 weeks.

Yesterday 2/13 she called wanting to stop by to give FD a valentine present said she was in my area just 20 minutes away.would it be OK? I said sure and hour and a half later she showed up. Eyes glassy much to white and said she was tired as she just got up. Does she think I am stupid

Before she left she told FD she would be back tomorrow to visit. Well she was a no show today and no phone call. FD is upset because mommy was supposed to come and play.

Bio dad told me that mom thinks she can get her act together and get FD back all of us her lawyer,DCS, the judge, me and bio dad explained that if she signed the papers FD was being adopted by us she could not get her back. DCS had an iron clad case for TPR and the Judge at the last hearing 12/5 asked her if she was gonna sign and she said no then the judge asked me if I was adopting and I said yes. The judge would have TPR'ed if the parents had not surrendered.

I made a few conditions to visitation :

1. 2 visits a month if 30 days goes by with no visits the adoption will be closed forever.
2. If you show up at my home for a visit under the influence visits stop.

How can she be so stupid or does she think I am to stupid to know if she is high. She begged for visits. And now this

Both Lawyers told parents they had the deal of a life time not to screw it up. Who adopts and allows parents visits everyother weekend? I am dumbstruck at her actions,

Any advice???????

[MPJJJ]

My advice is only that you follow through, and not give her the chance to hurt your daughter any more than she already has. It's obvious by her actions that she cares for herself more than your daughter.

[ca-bigsister]

Keep your boundaries until you hear through the grapevine that she totally has her act together. Otherwise, you will be part of the codependency drama and roller coaster that addicts call life. After six months to a year, if you want to renegotiate, fine. But for now, they did not follow the contract, so therefore, the visits must stop. Put it on the judge if you want, so that it's not you that is the bad guy. Say the judge won't allow adoption if they are high when visited. (Would they know that wasn't necessarily true?)

[4cats2kids]

this is a private agreement between us and the parent. SO it is unenforceable. I am just saddened that she cares so little for our beautiful daughter.

Her Therapist is talking about stopping visits and I have told them they will have to meet and explain this to the bios. because of the agreement we have. They have a greed to do this. SO the bios know it is the experts calling the shots on this not us. Kinship adoption is hard.

As far as her bio dad he is here everyother week and calls every 3 days never a problem.....

[craftingmama]

it it was agreed to privately between the parties, i suppose you can stop it whenever you want to, for the sake of the child involved. if the therapist says it's best, there's your 'out' if you will.

[Sooner]

Hello,

I am in exactly the position but step grandson. Some differences however, bios were TPR by default due to no show at hearing. No real contact since then. Neither of them have seen him in over a year. I do know your frustration, how could they not want to see that baby? Unfortunately it does not sound like she is ready to be a positive part of her life. We did same with bio dad, after my step daugher tested positive & had to go back to supervised visits at DHS. We allowed bio dad to come visit here & even spend the night. This man was twice her age, older than me in fact. He gave appearences of interest but there were many little things he did that made it clear he was there to look good for court, not to genuinely get time with his son. In the end he relapsed as well & haven't heard from him since.

I know people that are raising their 4 grandchildren & allow biomom to pop in & out whenever she likes. It is tramatic for the kids & the oldest is really having issues over it now. I have vowed to protect my son & to me that means that IF his bios ever do start to have interest again that they will have to show the adults in his life that they are ready to commit to being a positive & consistent part of his life. He will always know who they are but he does not have to deal with the abandonment over & over again by allowing them pop in & out.

My step daughter abandonded her whole family as well as him. She talked to her grandparents once in the last 2 years (& that wasn't a good talk) & her grandad passed away 3 weeks ago, we don't even know if she knows it or not. As a child she ha a very close relationship with them too.

You are right, kinship is difficult, more personal & painful. You want them to do better but know them well enough to know they probably aren't going to.

With all of that said, please stick to your guns. It is best for both bio mom & baby. Baby doesn't need the drama & bio mom needs to learn there are consequences.

Hugs

[stevenstwin]

I think you are mostly venting and not really asking for advice (since you already "know" what to do), am I right? You have my full sympathy! That kind of behaviour is maddening, and disappointing, and I know enough from reading these boards that every disappointment is 10 times worse when it is family involved! May I ask why your daughter's therapist is recommending an end to visits? What kind of effect is it having on her?

[craftingmama]

I have to say this....because we are trying to be in the place like this with kinship care. I will update the mother with letters and pictures if she wants them. I will not allow her physical contact with them though. I would allow the children's great grandparents and aunts and uncles to have contact, but the mother and father would never have contact. there is a reason that the state TPR'd and I agree with the reason.

[qs mom]

Protect your child.

Addiction is unfortunately, a disease. She may never recover. It isn't always a choice. But it is your choice to protect your child from this exposure.

So, make it clear - while although you understand the disease, you cannot expose your child to that disease. Get it under control, or be banned.

[4cats2kids]

yes I know what do to but hubby is torn.

The childs therapist said things are happening to fast and the child can't handle it. Parents went awol before TPR and now they are around and it is confusing to her. Our DCS drug tested at ever visit if test was pos I didnt bring her in to meeting place.

Child is doing all the dreaded visitation behaviors. OCD and ADHD behaviors althought we KNOW she isnt ADHD or OCD. IT is just the way a 4 year old copes. her behaviors are very similar to Lowlanders FD.

Yes I am very disapointed but not suprised. DCS told me this would happen and what to look for.

[Sooner]

My hubby, & several family members, have had a hard time too. I am sure it easier because she isn't around. It took him a while to see her true colors. I understand it is his daughter & if he wants to continue to see her, he should but he can't put the baby through that. Try to convince him to make her earn those visits, so she can be what she needs to be in front of the baby.