[thelowlanders]

Just wondering. When did you realize your family was ...not.... going to be an adoptive resource for some of the children that come through your home?

What was it?

Anything happen?

Is it just a knowing?

Just curious of other's experience. Thanks

[Withay]

I have always 'just known' when I was not willing to be the adoptive resource for some of my fc. I also 'knew' that I was going to be one for the little one I am currently adopting.

[ranoutofnames]

For me I usually knew within the first glance if there were a child I'd consider adopting. With the two I did adopt something inside me said "this is your child" from the moment they were placed in my arms.

Not too long ago I had a little girl that had been with me for 2yrs (since she was 4months old). Along the way there were several times where it looked like the case was going to adoption and I kept hoping I'd feel that "spark", but I never did. Then more of her special needs started coming out, the baby I was pregnant with was diagnosed with a birth defect... and we decided with the two special needs daughters we already have it would be too much... and in the end I was relieved she RU'd so we didn't have to say "no" to an adoption.

[mom2fabtwins]

For me it was when I knew that staying with me would be "settling" for what was working vs the optimal. I wanted more for these kids than what I could offer. They had grandparents that they would be losing and I didn't have any to offer. They were losing a mom and a dad, and I am only a mom. For my other placement I knew it was right because I am all they have ever known. They were three days old. I hope this make sense. Maybe it does just to me.

[thelowlanders]

It makes sense. Sounds like you love them enough to think of them more than self. Yep, sounds like and excellent mommy

[Maura_H]

I just knew also. My last FD - our first meeting - it popped in my head then that if it came to adoption she didn't 'fit', but I dismissed it because that seemed silly.
But it was correct. After 8 mos I had her moved to a fost/adopt home. She could prove very difficult to raise and my heart and head were just not in it. She will be adopted by a wonderful family though so I still get to see her and love that. She is special to me and always will be.

[jeni-b]

I am so glad you asked this question. Since things have begun to unravel with our kids case, I have been starting to open myself up to what if.
They are good kids and I really do love them, but I am just not sure if it would work permanently, ya know. DD and the oldest have opposing personalities and we'd have to find a way through that.
They haven't been here all that long either and being our first placement I don't have a comparison to guage my feelings from.

[Robbiesmomma]

Just that feeling of this one fits. Now mind you all of my kids have been RU'd or gone on to other homes. The one little guy I felt really fit our family went to great relatives but if they called me in ten years, I'd still take him. Others were good kids and had the outward appearance of kids you might want to keep but I did not have that "Mommy feeling" about. I think it's like those dates we all probably went on, the ones where the guy was nice enough but no "spark".
You will know and if you don't feel it, don't feel bad about saying so. Each child deserves a family that feels a connection to them and I think it could be damaging to not grow up with that.
Becki

[mrstkg1]

What is sad is to feel that "spark" with a couple of members of a sibling group, but not for others. It's hard to say goodbye to all of them, when would have liked to adopt some of them.

[thelowlanders]

That's a good point.

We've experienced that. But they of course want to keep sisters together. Now they seem to be going up for adoption and we just can't take what we've seen in one sister.

I agree. The children deserve a family that just "knows" that they're family

[thelowlanders]

One of the answers we've found so far.....

When they're behavior is severely upsetting the other children in the home. (Such as raging for hours) Unfortunately, it just gets to where no matter how much you want to be there for that child, we have a responsibility for the well being of our other 3 and 1 on the way.

[joskimo]

I felt the spark for our fd at once...for 2 weeks until I met her father and I saw his spark. From that point forward I had doubt. I wanted her and I wanted him to have her. If it sounds like I'm confused, that's because I still am. I was not surprised when we found out last week that they will be ru'ing even though this was a 'pre-adoptive' placement. I'm still mourning even though I'm hopefull. I feel pretty lame about that too.