[shainamsu]

i was just wondering. we feel so connected with our foster, but she's got some issues that are still coming out. sometimes, though, i don't feel connected with her at all. like today, she didn't like something that had happened (something minor, i can't even remember it now) and said that she wanted to go back to her previous foster mom (who was NOT a very good influence, btw). i know it's b/c she likely got away with more there than here, but it's still so frustrating!

and she talks about her mom all the time and when she's going home, what she's going to do with her mom, and tells strangers these grand stories about how her mom visits her every night, and they go to the zoo, etc, which they don't. again, i know it's all normal behavior for her situation, but, i'm just wondering... i don't want to adopt her if she doesn't want to be here. sometimes i wonder if i'll be able to handle the next ten years of her asking about her mom and wanting to be somewhere else...

*sigh* i dont know, i'm just venting here. any thoughts? how did you "know" that you would adopt your foster and what challenges did you face or are still facing?

[greenrobin]

Oh, do I hear you!

I'm assuming it's the 4.5 yr old in your signature line that you're talking about. Those age kiddos are tough on the emotions sometimes!

We're nearing the end of our kids time in care. We are the named adoptive resource. Bubba is 5 and Sissy is 3. They've been with us for nearly 16 months. So how did we know we wanted to adopt? When we couldn't imagine our lives without them and were pretty sure they couldn't go home again.

There are days when they drive me to distraction. Bubba is still bargaining for how many days until he gets to go home. He tries the "but _____ let me ______" card even now. Too bad! I'm not _________! And he mangles my heart regularly by reminding me that I'm not his mom. Yeah. I understand. But, I do love him and Sissy mightily. And I know that stuff is still bound to come out. And it probably won't be all pretty, either. But, I see the kids they've become and catch glimpses of the adults they'll be, and I know I want to be there for that.

Even when he eats my pillowcases!

[ranoutofnames]

I can understand. My A1 should be the poster child for ADHD. There were days where I felt so close to her and other days where I wanted to throw my hands in the air and walk (no run) away.

One thing we did (and maybe others wouldn't agree with how we handled it) is we (DH and I) never talked about her bios. We had the cw pick her up and return her to day care for visits. We never asked how they went, what was said, nothing. A couple of times she mentioned playing with her half sister and I'd tell her "that's nice, I'm glad you had fun", but then dropped it. She didn't talk anymore about it as if the whole thing never happened. To this day (she's 8) she doesn't remember them. I showed her a picture the other day and she didn't know who anyone in the picture was.

Our reason was because we were told from the beginning (she was placed with us at 9months) that if she went to adoption it would not be in her best interest to have contact with her bios... and once we met them and got to know them we couldn't have agreed more.

A1 stopped having visits with her bios around 4yrs old. We adopted her on her 5th birthday. She is now 8yrs old and has no recollection of her bios. She has faint memories of her half-sister but thinks she was just another foster child she used to play with.

My 4.5yr old daughter currently has an imaginary boyfriend she talks to everyone about. He sits by her at meals but is not allowed to sleep in her room. Last week they went to the park together and ate a whole bunch of cotton candy.

I guess my point is that from my experience (which everyone's is different) young children tend to incorporate their youngest childhood memories in weird ways and make-up stories to explain the hows and whys. As time goes by and once adoption is done, provided it's not an open adoption, the memory of the bio and other foster parent will fade... and then she'll be like my kids who want to go stay with Grandma because Grandma lets them do "this and that".

[blubutterflies03]

how easy it would be to love them and adopt them. They are different because they are not genetically yours. But they catch your heart. You teach them new things, and alot of times RETEACH them things. I knew from the minute I met all my kids I would adopt them if they needed a forever home, no matter what. No matter what they drag me thru, how many headaches they give me, I know the love and fulfillment will be 100 fold!!!

[Singlemom619]

I knew that my son was "my" son the moment I saw him. I just felt it in my gut, and despite how strange it was to go from being a single young woman that could go out on the weekends whenever she pleased to a single mom of a 5 year old that called me "mom" - it felt so right.

I thought this was how it was for everyone. You just know.

THEN I met a parent of one of my students. One morning she and I got to talking and it came up that she adopted a baby from another country. She told me that for the first year the baby was home that she didn't bond and didn't feel anything for the baby. She said she was still in therapy (for the entire 2nd year that the little girl was here) and that she was only just then starting to feel like the child was "hers."

I didn't realize that's how it was for some people. Then, a few years later, (last year) I was talking to a friend of mine that went out of the country and met a child to adopt and then couldn't bring herself to follow through and adopt him - she was too scared.

I finally realized that this "knowing" that I felt wasn't the same for everyone.

In 2007 when my youngest was placed with his brother I felt that instant "knowing" again - this was "my" son... Even though, logically, I knew he was suppose to be a short term placement, somewhere in me I knew he was mine... And at the end of this month - nearly 2 years later - we're going to TPR.

SO - for me - I knew the moment I saw them... For others it's not the same. I did deal with some of the things you are dealing with - the stories about what life is/was like with the Bfamily, etc... And yes it bothered me - more because it wasn't the truth and lies are a HUGE trigger for me... But they don't happen too often anymore....

[mommytoEli]

i decided to adopt my older kids when they called and wanted to take them to an adoption fair and parade them around in front of people to see if they got picked. i hung up the phone and was heartbroken for them, and then i got mad. i called my dh and said they want to take MY kids to an adoption fair. i knew then. i called them mine. we switched gears and adopted. was it hte right thing? i'm still not sure, but we are all alive....and so far that's all that matters. lol.

[EandDmom]

For me it was when they started calling me momma and mommy. Melted my heart. For dh it was when he went with me to drop them off for a visit with their mom. He was miserable and said those are my kids why do we have to leave them with her?
We both still assume they will go back home but it will be a sad day when they do.

[Withay]

For me it was the day that a lady in the store said she could just take my fs home with her. Deep in my gut and up through my brain came the words (spoken in my mind only, thankfully) - Keep your hands off MY son.

At that instant I knew.

[EandDmom]

Originally Posted by Withay

For me it was the day that a lady in the store said she could just take my fs home with her. Deep in my gut and up through my brain came the words (spoken in my mind only, thankfully) - Keep your hands off MY son.

At that instant I knew.

I know what you mean. There is a very nice lady that got me interested in fostering to begin with and when I told her they had filed tpr she said well I think 3 is probably to many for us (they are foster/adopt) or I'd say we would be interested in taking them. Before I knew it the words were out of my mouth.. No, we are keeping them if they go for adoption. She was thrilled to hear that but I still found it irritating.

[lucmarmic]

My girls were just supposed to be here for the weekend, until the state that had custody could come get them on Monday. Well they called on Monday and said we can't come until Wednesday. Wednesday turned into Friday and than Friday came and went no call, no one to come pick them up. A week later and still no phone call, so I called them and told them. I hope your not planning on coming to pick up my girls, they are staying with me. The cw was a little shocked but called me the day before thanksgiving and asked would you like to adopt. That is when our journey really began