[greenrobin]

Bubba tears up pillowcases. I mean shreds them, bites holes in them and then shreds them, totally destroys them.

I know--he's angry.

Visits are not going well, but we have them bi-monthly. We got the court papers that say non-relative adoption on both current and concurrent plans. They're asking for resolution by the first part of April. But still we have visits.

And rages. And slap fights--that's a new one. And disregard for the regular rules that have been in place for way over a year.

So, he'd given up his pillowcase habit for the last 6 months or so. In my giddy state over that, I put a nice case on his pillow--older, high thread count, embroidered scalloped edge. He was loving it because it was so soft.

Yesterday he kept running in the house. Dh asked him what he thought an appropriate punishment would be and he said send him to his room next time. And, of course, there was a next time. Bubba had a full out rage, but the only casualty was the pillowcase. Actually, my nerves were also frayed, but that is neither here nor there.

Today, we stripped the beds. Bubba brings me the pillows and innocently says, "That white one is torn," like either

a) I would not see that little tear all the way up the middle of it or
b) suspect that evil pillowcase marauders had invaded his room and had their way with my linens.

Boy, please!

So now he is cleaning to pay for it. He's vaccuuming first. Then there will be scrubbing. Not just his room, but his sister's, the upstairs hallway, and the evil bathroom.......bwahahahaha!

Seriously, why just the pillowcases?

He is so going back to the 180 thread count stuff!

[Withay]

Oh greenrobin. I'm sorry, but I did have a good laugh.

Can you find any pillow cases with only, say a 60 thread count? Just kidding. Actually, buy some kettlecloth and make him some nice, heavy and not-so-soft pillowcases. Tell him that when he quits making holes, biting, tearing, etc them then, and only then can he have the nice 180 thread count ones back.

[MamaS]

What about buying some pillowcases he will really like -- Spongebob, Spiderman, dinosaurs, whatever his favorite is? Tell him they are especially for him - not sister, etc. Then, when he destroys one, he is hurting himself - not you. If one is destroyed, it will have to be replaced with plain, cheap white cotton. It might make him think twice if he is hurting himself instead of you.

[ca-bigsister]

One of my friend's kids used to suck on the end of sweatshirts until they were frayed and gross. Eventually he outgrew it. My aunt's cats sucked on one part of their tales because their mother never nursed them. They were bottle fed. That's just what they did when stressed. I have a spot on my index finger that's really rough because I rub there when I'm stressed. I also run my fingers through my hair - my students know when they've pushed me because they see me do it. Also, I eat too much when stressed. I know I'm pushing down my emotions but I still do it.

FD picks at scabs on her head and scratches her head when she's stressed. I think she's self-soothing. When she's really stressed, she goes in the bathroom and picks at her pimples until she comes out with red welts she's picked at. I've tried everything to stop it - it hardly ever happens now but still maybe once every couple of months. She also has healthier coping mechanisms now. When she's really stressed, she'll go off in the garage and sing.

If this is his coping mechanism, what does it really hurt? Yes, I'd buy really cheap ones or ones at garage sales (of course wash them really really well first) and let him go at it. I'd tell him when he's done shredding the cheap ones, he can use the nice ones but until then, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

He's angry - he's getting it out. He has no control over visiting his biomom - he must go. A judge he doesn't know makes his life decisions for him. The mommy he loves (you) cannot keep him totally safe from his biomom because he still has to visit her. He can control his pillow case and really go at it. So he controls one part of his life he really can.

I may be totally off base, but it seems ok to me, gross yes, but I guess after visits are stopped that the pillowcases will go back to being unshredded, too.

Like I said, I am willing to hear from others but I'd rather have a child do this than hit me, scream, or internalize it and do things like control eating, etc. I'm wondering, too, if you don't make it against the rules if it might subside, too.

Of course the slapping, etc. is totally not ok. I'd send him in his room with the pillowcase when he's starting to hit and let him go at it. I'd also let him punch the pillow when he's angry. That's a great way to get the anger out so that the tears can come.

And, I'd keep up the counseling. Counseling does help, yes. But my FD has been in counseling since she was 5. She's now 17 and a half. Overall she's a great kid. I can't imagine what she'd be like without counseling. But she still definitely has attachment issues and it's not like counseling fixes everything. I think that we all have our coping mechanisms. I think it's a matter of degrees. Hopefully we do the more healthy ones (exercise, etc.) and not the unhealthy ones (drinking, drugs, violence).

[greenrobin]

He does suck on his sleeves when stressed. He's destroyed multiple shirts. He's also bitten holes in pants, sheets, shoes (yep, shoes) and light covers.

He is destroying stuff. Usually his stuff, but mine also. I know he's stressing. We've tried the sheets and stuff in Spiderman. He doesn't mess with those things, he goes to Sissy's room and tears up her stuff. I have a bit of an issue with tearing up things that are intended to last more than one use. It's destructive. He's been in trouble at school for picking holes in things. It's not generally an obsession. It's a stress related thing.

When he first came, we lost 3 sets of sheets to the biting and shredding. Yes, the cw knows. So does his therapist. He is not interested in punching pillows. He wants to see the physical evidence. It's not the same for him if nothing is torn. We've used paper tearing in the past, but so far he's shown no interest in that.

I think he'd love going to the recycling center to break glass. I wish they took 5 year old volunteers.

[LollipopsAndGumdrops]

Is there anything less expensive you could get him to channel his destruction into, other than paper? Could he turn that destruction into anything productive after the stress wears out? Maybe some cheap fabric to tear into strips and then using the strips to make a blanket? Or could he stomp on coke cans to flatten them and help them fit in the recycle bin?

Or, can you work with him to sew the pillowcase back up on the sewing machine to show him in some way how to try to repair the damage he makes? When he sleeps on the pulled-together sewed up pillowcase that looks like Frankenstein created it, it will remind him not only of the destruction, but of how difficult it is to mend once destroyed. But you save money when he tears the same one up again and you sit down to sew it up again.

I don't have any experience with this anxious energy, so I'm just throwing out random brainstorms that come to mind.

[greenrobin]

Coke cans sounds like something he'd enjoy. The problem is that I can't get him to engage in this type of "destruction" at my convenience. He'd have a really hard time putting his handiwork back together. You'd kind of have to see it!

I have to tell y'a'll, though, the cleaning worked like a charm today. He could see the beginning, middle and end of the job and I stayed right there the whole time. He tried slacking off, but I kept saying, "That's okay. You'll just keep mopping until I'm happy." So, he was highly motivated to make me happy!

And you know what? I was. He did a remarkable job for a 5 year old. I told him so. He said, "I had to do it right to pay for the pillow, huh?" Yes, indeed. And he really paid in full.

After, he had tamales with chili and cheese and a great time outside running around like a maniac and playing on the swings. He only had a single time out for running in the house. He was very compliant and a joy to be around today.

Maybe he just needed to know that I would be the same person no matter what happened, whether his other mom comes in and out of his life, he can count on me to keep on being the same.

Thanks for helping me out, y'all. I appreciate it!