[allena_rose]

"C" is 14 and has a history of running. She came to me on Sept. 15th and we are very close. Too close for her comfort, she has been moved around so often that she does not want to become attached. Which I can understand.

Now everytime something doesn't go her way she either runs or threatens to run. She accused me of being like everyone else, I'm just in it for the money and I don't care, etc...

I'm tired of playing this game. Nothing happens when she runs, the police are called, but it is just a matter of her coming back.

I need advice.

[ca-bigsister]

Are there any teen support groups around your area? I think that it sounds like she might do well with speaking about her issues with others.

Also - are you in family counseling? We found that helps a lot. In California, there's a program called Wrap Around where the foster parent has an advocate "parent partner", the child has an advocate, and you meet weekly/ etc with the partners and a therapist. This was helpful for us. I don't know if you have such programs, but we had to be recommended by our social worker.

[sundara]

Even with an adoptive situation, we've had this issue with 3 out of our 4 kids.

Recognize that part of this is a coping mechanism - sometimes traumatized kids had to hide from their abuser, so when things get scary, that's what they do (even if scary means 'you're getting too close', 'i'm not getting my way', 'i'm mad at you' - its not always something that will make sense to those of us who haven't been abused).

Second is that sometimes this behavior was modeled by someone in their past (possibly bparents moving a lot so they did not get caught, rationalizing moving all the time to the kids as 'starting over', 'getting a clean start', etc).

Finally, it can be a test - 'if I run away, will they look for me? will they really care (especially if I've been bad, angry, moody, etc)?'

It is VERY hard not to take this personally, no matter the motivation on the part of the child.

Some of our kids truly ran away to a friend's house, biking all over town, etc. As they started to heal thru therapy, running away meant running out of the house & into the far back area of the yard, then it became just going to their rooms.

The main thing is to keep modeling & verbalizing to them that running away does not solve a problem, it increases it (police get involved, etc). Keep showing her that you still care no matter what, but her behavior needs to change from her old skills (running away) to new skills now that she is in a safer environment (talk over the issue with someone, ask you if she can start over or go think about the issue on her own, etc).

[Withay]

Excellent insight and suggestions sundara

[myangels]

I was a foster child that did this exact same thing. If I got close to someone I ran........ If I felt overwhelmbed I ran....... If I thought someone was disappointed in me ........ I ran......... . Running was something I could control. It was also a way to see who truly cared about me. Who thought I was worth the effort? Who would not give up on me? In the long run I learned I was not worth the effort and I ran everyone away.


I think the most important thing is to tell her you love her and care for her and will be there when you gets back. Get into family counseling as a group or atleast you and her. Try to build her self esteem up and make sure she knows She IS worthy. This may take a long long time but it is so worth it in the end.


big hugs I know this is not fun.

[Joy2566]

my son came to us at 14, and when things would get too much, he would run away. I think that if I could just wait him out, he would come home on his own. Since his is a foster kid, I have to call the police after he has been gone for one hour. The police would generally yell at me for "allowing" the kid to run away. The state trooper one time actually threatened to charge me with neglect because I did not try to stop him from leaving. His last runaway was in July (he's 17 now), and I absolutely insisted to the police officers that they charge him for the destructition that he did, usually they either tell him to stop doing that or take him to the hospital so he can get "help." As if he is not in therapy or anything. The judge really got his attention, the judge fined him and told him that if he did it again, he would sentence him to the maximum he could. We have worked out with ds a plan that when he feels the need to "run away", he just has to tell me that he needs some time, and he can leave. Officially, it is not running away, if I know he is leaving and that he plans to come back, so I don't have to call the police. This has really worked well for us, he usually comes back in about 20 or 30 minutes. I know some of the change is maturity and some is increased attachment.