[faithlovehope09]

HI THERE!
My DH and I became certified foster to adopt parents in oct 08 and we just got our first placement (baby boy) in jan 09. he does still have visitation with bio mom and dad and a family member is going through homestudy to get him however it could take months. Our agency's goal is reunification like many others and we knew that going in however it is very hard when u just about fall in love with the FC. the agency also stated fostering u have a better chance to adopt if a child should become available and our main goal is adoption. I have battled with infertility for around 4 years and we did some fertility treatments but decided to stop as they were really hard on us. i have PCOS and a thyroid condition. we fixed up our house and decided to foster to adopt. I was wondering if there were any other foster parents out there in a similar situation that i could talk with? Has anyone had to give their first FC back and how did you deal with it? i want to stay as strong as possible for the baby and so that i can take future placements to work towards our family. i am not a quitter but this is so tough!
thanks for your support and i look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Bon~

[waitingtobeamom]

We too are looking to adopt someday and have had to reunify an infant. We got her at 9 months and sent her home at 15 months after just having surgery. It was the hardest thing we have ever done. DH and I cried the whole way home. But now 5 months later when things make us think of her we can now smile and laugh instead of crying. We just keep telling ourselves we are just loving them while they are here.

[luvmykids4]

My dh and I were approved last May and had a placement of a newborn straight from the hospital one month later. We do have 4 bio kids already, but we were truly hoping to adopt. Our friends adopted both of their foster babies in the same county and this gave us reason to hope. From the beginning, it appeared that we would be able to adopt as this was mom's 6th child and she had custody of none. Anyway, we just had to return her at 6 months old right before Christmas. It has been really hard on us, but honestly, it's been especially hard on some of the kids. I am a 'quick attacher', and assumed I'd crumble if we had to give the baby back, but I've done suprisingly well. I still miss her terribly, and cry when I think of her, but I'm okay. We are actually still open for placements, and could get a call any day. I think if you remind yourself that the child that belongs with you will stay, it could help. Many people do build their families this way, and you will be okay. Try not to hold on too tightly, but have hope! Best wishes. Also, knowing that you gave a child a wonderful start in life, or a respite from tough times does make you feel a little better. Each person handles it differently. The day we found out our fd was going home ( and so suddenly ), I was ready to quit. By the next morning, I was open to other kids even though I was still hurting. Good luck with everything.

[Mkap]

My husband and I are foster to adopt and we've had to give up 3 children. Two were infants. currently we have a 5 month old fd who has been with us since birth. the parents are not working their case plans but could turn things around at any point. It looks like we'll have our fd for at least 3-6 more months minimum or possibly, hopefully forever. But we won't know if we can adopt for quite sometime. It's very difficult because, like you, we are completely in love with our fd, she is amazing. We just try to love her and not think too much about what may happen. But we haven't found the solution to the worry, if you figure it out, let me know.
By the way, we are also in Ohio.

[CaddoRose]

We have an 11 yr old bio daughter. It took 3 yrs to have her and we haven't been able to do that again. We both had always talked about adoption even if we had more bios. So we ended up looking into foster/adopt and it seemed right for us.This past year we got our license in June and by July had been placed with a 2. 5 yr old girl. Her brother(1 yr old) was in hospital and we ended up with him the end of Oct. They just left this past Sunday to go to relatives.

I really loved these kids and they would have been a perfect fit for us. Parents are being TPR'd in Feb. After the parents threw in several names from Dad's family as possible placements that all fell through, the Mom found a cousin who agreed to take them.

I can tell you the way we have peace about it is the knowledge that we did what we were supposed to do. We were there to keep these kids until a solution was found or the family was able to be reunited. The relatives know the kids and really, really wanted them. They were so excited. The kids get to grow up with their 4 cousins who range in age from 6-15.

I believe that family is who you make it. They don't have to be blood relation to be family, but if relatives want the children, then I think it is the best if they can provide a proper home and give the kids what they need.

It's a little hard to explain, but when I knew they were going to a home that wanted them and seemed so perfect, I was immediately at peace with that. Someday I know that there will be a child that nobody wants and that one will be ours. Our time will come.

[DURHAM5102]

My husband and I have been going thru the foster care program for 3 1/2 yrs and the first couple of kids that we got into care stayed from 3days to 4 1/2 mths and no matter how long they are in care it is still hard and you fall in love with them as if they are your own. We did have one child that we had for 1yr and 2mths and he got reunified and that was very difficult because the sw kept advising that they were going to try and terminate then a family member came into play. But look at it on the bright side of things that you are helping these kids out, even though it might seem like you are just doing a glorified babysitting job. After 9 kids, the 10th child we got is the one that we got to adopt

[JessicaBaker]

We got lucky and were able to adopt our first foster baby after 18 months (she was placed with us at 6 weeks old). Our second placement was reunified after 10 months with us (he was 15 months at the time). Our third long-term placement is still with us after 11 months (she was placed at 4 months old). We have no clue how her case will turn out at this point.

We feel so blessed that our first placement ended up being our forever daughter. However, we have realized that fostering is so worth it, no matter what the result. The not knowing is the hardest part, but it does help you live in the moment and enjoy the time you do have with them.

It is hard, but it sounds like you have a great attitude and I wish you all the luck and encouragement in the world.

[lovingheart]

I too have PCOS and DH has issues too so we decided to do foster/foster to adopt. We just sent away our first Foster baby after having him straight from hospital as a newborn until he was 6 months. Hardest thing we have had to do and there were plenty of tears. But we still intend to foster and if we have a chace we will someday be able to adopt.

[birdiebabee]

I also have PCOS and my husband is infertile. We went to an infertility specialist and were SO burnt out after all the testing that we decided we could not handle it for a 3-8% chance each time! We decided to adopt and after going to the seminar we left wanting to foster/adopt. We were licensed 12/19/08 and have our first placements as of 12/27/08. Their caseworker feels we will have them for at least 6 months. We have only had them for just shy of 3 weeks but if they were to go home tomorrow I would be heart broken. I said to myself "Oh this will be easy as long as we go into it saying we aren't keeping them it's just temporary." yeah, easier said then done!

[Juliana13]

I am having a tough time, too. We have a beautiful foster daughter - 8 months old - and have only had her a few short weeks. After one day, I was totally attached. Her mom is working on a plan, and reunification is likely, although it will take 8-10 months, they say. But even if she didn't do well, there is family willing to take this baby girl, so I already know she's not mine forever.

My problem is my emotions. I know that she's going back. And I know that this is what foster care is all about. And I want her mom to get the help she needs and get her life back. But I cannot reconcile what I think, and even truly believe with what my emotions are doing. I am messed up! The life I see for this baby with her family is rough - they all have serious issues and do not know how to make good choices. That is not the life I want for her!!! I love this baby, and want good things for her. And her family is not "good things." I don't want to be judgemental, but I don't want that life for her.

Then there is that little fact that keeps rearing it's head that I have no say in that. That I do not get to decide what kind of life this baby girl gets. Her family gets to decide, as long as they get her back. I have no power to protect her from it. And that is very hard for me. Somebody help me through this!

[hermommy]

I too have PCOS. My dh and I decided to start foster/adopt after 5 years of ttc. Our first placement we got straight from the hospital. She was 3 days old. We are now adopting her. My second placement was an adorable little guy he was 7. After 6 months in my home he was ru with a neighbor close to his dad. He took a part of my heart with him. He has been gone now over a year and not a day goes by that I dont think of him. I currently have a placement that I got from the hospital (baby A). She is adorable. The cw says that this could go to adoption quick. There may be a uncle somewhere that could take her but the team wants us to adopt her which if bmom cant get things together we would love to.

[calimomX3]

I am trying to figure out if I keep doing foster. It has been two years since we became certified, the first so many kids I totally cared for as foster until they re-unitfied. You bond differently with each child. I loved them like my own and treated them like my own. However, Jan. 08 we got a 1 day old baby girl, whom was suppose to be adoptable, bios didnt even name her. 2 months later I handed her to grandma for a final goodbye. I just know she will have a bad life like her 3 other sisters, no one listened to me it was all about having her with family. That is not always the best for the child. It hurt me so bad, I thought it would be the end to my foster journey. However I waited a LONG 8 months and got the call to pick up my 8 week old preemie princess from the hospital. i was told that night, bios would not get her whats so ever. That her siblings were adopted already. Well what do you know Jan 6th this year I get a call that the adoptive family that has the siblings wants her. They told me this wuld be a quick adoption. i no longer will believe what I am told till I sign those final adoption papers. I can not even begin to tell you how much I hurt. It is not final, the county social worker is trying to decide what the best is for the baby. i sit here and just stare and her and hurt, I know she may be leaving. I almost feel as tho it is only time before I get that dreadful call. The social worker did tell me it was ok to take her on a family trip next week so we could have that special time with her. I said oh that means she will be leaving. She said no. She said it could go either way. Ever since the day I brought her home I felt like we waited this long cause God wanted her to be with us. I still feel that way. i know HE is in control, but I feel so out of control. i dont know if I can continue fostering if she leaves. I can not tell you the hurt I feel. I have 3 bios and a step daughter. we got into fostering to foster. I knew I always wanted a big family, my baby shop is closed due to high risk pregnancies. I hope and pray God will do what is best for her. Oh how I love her.

[luvmykids4]

Juliana and Calimom -- I know exactly how you feel. Nomatter what our head knows about foster care, our hearts open up to these children so easily. It feels so right that they are with us. The fact that we know that going home is not always the best makes it that much harder. I had that with our fd. I know that her mom is unstable and most likely will not properly care for her. Dad is a first timer, and has his own issues. It has not been easy accepting the fact that they go to homes way less stable, loving, safe, etc. than ours. Our GAL actually stated in court that our home was top of the line, and she told me that the birth parents won't even come close to the same standard of care. That is not the point. She is their child and that is that. I also can appreciate that feeling of 'she's meant to be with us'. Our daughter was half vietnamese in a primarily white county. We had planned on a vietnamese adoption before fostering, so we felt this was fate. I know how it feels not only to hurt, but to feel confused and let down. We just have to do the best we can, love the kids and believe that the right ones will stay. Let's at least support each other, and know we are truly meeting a need.

[calimomX3]

Thanks for the nice post..Did you get to keep your fd? I feel so stressed right now with all of this.

[Juliana13]

So today I met my foster-daughter's dad. Somehow, that made it better. They are a mess, but I do feel like they love this baby. He hugged me, with tears in his eyes and thanked me for taking care of her. He said he's in parenting classes, so he can figure out how to do this right.

So even though I know there will be huge challenges ahead, and I know they will not always make great choices, - it helps to know - and more importantly, FEEL - that they love this baby.

It still stinks. I want to help raise her, to protect and nurture her, and I don't like where she's going back to. But she is not mine. That's the bottom line, and that part sucks. (Thanks for letting me vent.)