[blubutterflies03]

So, we are headed to TPR for Pinkdancer and Spiderman next month. The birthmom has asked the worker to ask all the foster parents if they would maintain some type of contact after TPR. All have said yes. That does not mean people will really do it. We are trying to figure out a safe and healthy way to maintain an open relationship without ruining the rest of their young life. The therapist is telling us if we let the parents see the kids, we will destroy the work he is doing. We don't really know the parents as they have spent most of the time incarcerated. I am thinking at first of getting a p.o. box and maybe doing letters and pictures at first. But will the kids getting letters disturb them??? Or do I just send the mom the stuff and leave the kids out of it? Gosh, we have an open relationship with birthmom to my privately adopted son. He has seen his birthmom 3 times in almost 3 years. I send her pics, she is on my myspace so she can access my pics anytime. I write her updates. She pretty much is distant most of the time, but she is only 19. my other birthmom from the daughter I adopted thru fostering died shortly after we adopted her. We did some vistis at the mall which I stayed with them while they visited. The sad thing is my daughter is turning out to be just like her mother. Any good ideas about what is best to do with children who know and remember their parents??

[fostapeepz]

We have a 10yr old who we privately adopted at birth. We have sent letters and pictures 1x a year since the beginning. He's just started talking to his birthmom on the phone this year, and we hope they can meet sometime in the future (she lives several states away).

We are uncertain how much contact we will agree to if we get the chance to adopt our 3 fosters. The caseworker suggested 2 meetings a year, with us present the whole time, on a non-holiday in a neutral location. I'm not sure we even want that much contact. The birthfamily has been manipulative and unsupportive the entire time the girls have been with us. The grandparents have said some things that have caused us some major issues. We decided that any contact agreement will be with the bio-mother only. If the grandparents ever want to see these kids again, they will have to do some repairing of the damage they did (meet with the girls and their counselor and tell them how happy they are that the girls are with us and that we are their new family etc...). I doubt they will ever agree to it - and we just can't expose the girls to any more of their toxicity if they aren't willing to work with us.

Our baby boy is the girls half brother - and he has a bio-dad and grandparents that are interested in visitation. We've never met bio-dad, as he was in jail for physically abusing the girls. We don't want the girls to ever have to see him again - so that means visits can't coincide with the other side of the family. We also haven't met any of them - so while we don't have any current reason to distrust the grandparents, I remain cautious.

I think that more than likely we will end up just exchanging pictures and letters for a long time before we'd enter into 'in person' contact. I won't give the kids any letters we get until they are old enough to deal with any feelings it might stir in them.

[stevenstwin]

Follow the lead of the therapist on this. I'd say set up a p.o box and send the parents letters and updates. They can send letters to, but that doesn't mean you have to give them to the kids. If you don't think that is in their best interests at this time, just hold onto the letters for now - you might want to give them to them later.

[greenrobin]

You might ought to listen to the therapist.

The kids will be confused over the events anyway, but the drama of a goodbye visit followed by letters? I couldn't handle it and I'm old!

Remember, this is not an adoption that is due to a plan being made to lovingly place children. It's a legal issue, stemming from lack of good parenting, good choices, a myriad of things.

We've been advised to really protect the kids from contact for quite awhile. In fact, some judges will close some adoptions because of past issues.

You may feel like the parents need contact, but your job is to protect the kids.

[Yash]

Originally Posted by greenrobin

You might ought to listen to the therapist.

The kids will be confused over the events anyway, but the drama of a goodbye visit followed by letters? I couldn't handle it and I'm old!

Remember, this is not an adoption that is due to a plan being made to lovingly place children. It's a legal issue, stemming from lack of good parenting, good choices, a myriad of things.

We've been advised to really protect the kids from contact for quite awhile. In fact, some judges will close some adoptions because of past issues.

You may feel like the parents need contact, but your job is to protect the kids.

Amen! I agree completely!

[AmahMama]

I would not make it legally binding agreemtent for visitation. I may, maybe...., make an agreement that the bio's would have an address to mail to (a po box, as suggested). ESPECIALLY if the therapist does not agree that open visitation would be good. Not only that, you have no idea where you might be in 5, 10, or 12 years. You make a legally binding obligation for visits - you may have to come a long way - and then have no-shows. It has happened - to many - to people I know as well as op's. Check back thru the threads about open adoptions! My dd agreed to keep an address for the bio to mail to... (mine).... and in 5 years we heard nor got nothing. Then a christmas card for them (she adopted a sib grp of 3). Then nothing for years, and then a letter from another state saying how great she is doing (because she had another child she didn't want to lose and got straight, in another state). My dd does not want to let the kids know that bio wasn't able to get straight for them - but could for another.... she saved the letter and card and will give the address to each of them when they turn 21. At 18 the oldest still doesn't deal well with the abandonment issue and she doesn't feel that he is mature enough not to go off on a tangent of some sort.

So be careful about making any sort of arrangements - and most especially legal ones. Openness is great if it works for you, but there again, you won't have transporters, cps, or the courts rules for backup. I would maybe make a gent's agreement to think about it....

[CaddoRose]

I would send them info, but not give info to the kids until you felt they were ready to get it, no matter what the bios send back. This way you can protect the kids and some day decide(or not) to allow them to get a letter from bios. That day might not ever come. When they are adults, they can decide, but in the meantime you have kept the bios informed about the kids at least. I would definitely follow what the therapist says about visits.

[EandDmom]

If ours ever gets tpr'd and we adopt dh and I have decided the most we will do is send her a pic of each and an update letter once a year. The girl is going to have enough issues moving on past mom as it is and we don't want to confuse the boys as they aren't really bonded to her. Infact, she kind of ignores them. She gives the girl a little trinket thing at every visit but never anything for either boy. I plan on trying to set it up thru dcs and she can pick it up there if she wants them. The casa has said if they don't go back to mom she wants us to adopt them and agree to still have contact with their cousins that they were all living together with. We don't know..they went back to their mom and dad so we would still have to deal with the aunt who also helped raise them. The kids don't ever talk about them anymore the casa has taken them twice for a visit to play with cousins and she says they love it well they love playing with anyone. They never seem excited that they have seen any of them infact they get more excited about seeing our nieces every week and they would infact be their cousins if we ever adopt them their old cousins wouldn't be anymore. It is so hard to know what is the best for the kids.