[MPJJJ]

It seems that I am having a harder time with this placement than anyone. I am really missing my little family, the way that it was. It is hard that since my fosters are the same as my older boys, I haven't seen very much of my kids since the placement.

We are normally a very huggy, kissy family that loves spending time together. My kids all used to yell "Mommy!" and practically knock me over when they got home. Tonight they ran right past me without saying a word. None of them have spent more than 5 minutes talking to me in a week. It's so hard because the fosters don't want to be with me, and my kids want to be with them, so I am out of the picture.

My DH tells me that it is a passing phase and everything will go back to normal, but I'm just devestated and really missing my kids. I knew there would be challenges, but nobody ever mentions that I would become so unimportant to my own children.

[potentialsinglemom]

"M", I must say of all the posting I have read...yours is truly unique.

I tend to agree with your DH, they are still in their honeymoon phase and soon, you will be talking about the sibling rivalry that occur.

[sethsmommy]

MPJJJ is right...this too shall pass....

[CaddoRose]

It takes a little while for everything to settle in and they have only been there for a short time. Pretty soon, they will be back to running to Mom for whatever they need.
It might help to arrange activities that will include everyone together. It will help build trust in the fosters so they will want to be with you.

[stevenstwin]

My BIL went through something similar. They took in a friend of their son's, and found that it felt a lot more like an "extended sleep over" than a family, because the boys treated it that way. They actually found it very disruptive to their family - I think it was a LONGGG year and they felt a sense of relief when "Mike" left. Yours are younger, though, so I think you'll be able to integrate it all eventually - it should pass.

[AmahMama]

You must be doing a wonderful job in raising the children! Look at the positives: They can entertain themselves, they don't come running to you whining all the time, they have learned to make good choices in thier actions, they are becoming independent, they have learned some self- suffiency, and no one is "plotting against the elders" (lol). What a great job! As any children grow older, we start looseing our "grip". They are not as needy as they were when babies or toddlers. Take if from an empty nester!!!

Stop them at the door and get your hug. Tell them outright that it makes you feel better and it is a requirement. My dd is 31 and I still get my hug when we see each other... Granted it isn't daily any more (waaahhhh).

Get used to it - it will get worse as they get older.... as teens they may try not to speak at home for days at a time!

Pat yourself on the back and make your needs known to them..... and yes, you must be doing a great, great job of raising them and making them feel safe. Congratulations!

[MPJJJ]

Thanks for all of your advice. I know it's a silly thing, but I felt really bad about it. I'm already feeling terrible that these kids keep pushing me away, despite my best efforts to keep them happy and make them want to be here. Perhaps I'm just expecting too much. It's so hard to have precious children living with me, yet be unable to treat them as one of my own. It feels wrong to tuck a child into bed and not say "I love you." Maybe I'll get used to it.

Last night my boys cuddled in bed with me and we watched Scooby Doo. On their own, the two boys made their way onto the foot of the bed and watched it too. My Dh came in and laughed about how I was crunched between 5 kids, and couldn't even see the tv. But I was happy. I know I will be losing these fosters in the summer, their relatives are getting licensed and they are taking them in, as they should. I am afraid of letting myself get too attached and feel the heartache of letting them go, but more than that, I fear losing my own kids too. If that makes any sense, lol.

[Withay]

It feels wrong to tuck a child into bed and not say "I love you." Maybe I'll get used to it.

Don't 'get used to it'. Why not tell them that you love them. I'll bet that they need to hear it as much as you need to say it. Go ahead and love them while they are in your home. It can only help them.

[LollipopsAndGumdrops]

It sounds like you express love through physical contact, emotional connection, feeling wanted and appreciated (all valid ways of giving and getting love) and that the boys don't. Maybe they feel love from you by providing a safe, stable house, a pat on the back, a word of encouragement, the room to play, the chance to "be boys."

I second stopping them and asking for a hug because it can really help you to feel loved, but if they are uncomfortable with it, then I caution that it would be unhealthy to push them into expressing love in a way that they aren't comfortable showing it. Just because they don't show love the same way you do doesn't mean they don't love or appreciate you. I'm sure you know that, but sometimes I need to be reminded so by telling you, I remind myself.

Brainstorm other ways to accomplish the same thing. Maybe your husband can give you a big hug and tell you how much he loves seeing you parent five boys as a means of showing appreciation? (Wouldn't hurt for him to model hugging for the boys, either.) Maybe the boys would enjoy learning hand clap games from you? Maybe you could bake cookies together? Start practicing "gimme five"s? Whatever ways you can physically connect while staying in their comfort zone.

And don't underestimate the power of one-on-one time. Choose a boy to take to the store with you and be your list holder, crossing off items. Let him choose the music in the car, sing silly songs, let him choose a treat (for himself if the other boys will go soon, or for all the boys if it will be awhile before they can go). Take the time to casually mention how much you love spending time with him and how great he is. He'll probably look back on it with fondness 20 yrs from now, feeling love and loved from the time with you. And hopefully, you will, too.