[Kristin7]

so now the dysfunction has changed to that with my mother. she seems to think that I am the problem...that I have caused this mess and that I am the one trying to have the power. She says how can i love Sis if i don't have contact with her. She says that she understands how it has been for me for the past three years in foster care and that my setting boundaries for the visits and my anger and me feelings aren't warranted and that i'm trying to keep the girls from all family.


I don't know how to deal with all this. I can't fued with them forever....they don't get it. and i don't know how to get them to get it. Sis has told them that she has been asking for therapy with me all this time and that i am the one refusing. when sis has never been compliant with any court ordered therapy and sat on the stand and told the judge that she doedns't believe she did anything wrong and that she does not believe that any abuses took place.

I don't know what to do with it all. Her emails to me have been very hurtfull.

ideas...suggestions?

[cetalley]

Kristin, I have no knowledge with the exception..that you can not MAKE anybody see or acknowlege what is going on. You can only control your own thoughts and emotions. This is the classic case of disfuntion..I know because I had 9 other sibs...2 passed away. My family put the D in disfunction! If this is eating away at you, I might suggest, writing a letter, calmly explain until she/they acknowledge there is a problem, then it is impossible for you to continue in their disfunctional enviroment. To do so makes you feel bad, anxious, sad, and distraught. Let them know, that for you to get better, you must go on , and let them know , if/when they are ready to admit and understand what trauma has existed in the family, you can not continue in their denial phase. Sign the letter with so much love that this saddens you to even have to write it...Blessings..C.J.

[CaddoRose]

Simply put: you can not do anything to get them to "get it". They choose to be the way they are. They choose to hide their heads in the sand. Besides, isn't it easier for them to just blame you instead of looking at themselves?

I know you want the girls to have some relationship with the family, but if there is a constant threat of arguments and upheaval, then what is the purpose of maintaining contact? It isn't healthy for them or you.

I don't remember what caused the girls to come into care, but whatever it was, your sister is the one who lost them and you saved them. She screwed up, not you. No one can change that by trying to blame you, or twist the truth in any way.


Maybe you could write down the steps that got you and the girls here. What happened to the girls. What their Mom did to lose them, etc. If you lay out the steps, keep it all about the health and well being of the girls and give that to your Mom. She can either see it in writing or ignore it. If she chooses to ignore that this is all about protecting the girls, then there isn't anything else you can do.

Stand your ground. Protect your girls. Protect yourself.

[Sooner]

We were never able to convince my step daughter that we are not the enemy in this. I am very fortunate that the rest of the family is more than supportive of us adopting our little one. When we were still in contact with her though, it did help to put things off on the system. We didn't make the decisions, the CW & judge did. We did agree with it of course & a lot of times we blamed it on them even when it was our decision.

[greenrobin]

I just looked back at your posts, Kristin. Your girls were your sister's kids, right?

Okay. As a mom, I can tell you that you have a certain inclination to protect and defend your wounded child. I'm going to assume that this is what your mom is experiencing. To some extent, she can't help it.

But that's not at all helpful to you.

The fact is that sometimes, in order to keep loving people, you have to do it from a distance. I love my one brother, but he is not safe for me or my kids, so we do not have contact. You can love someone while no longer being physically or emotionally close to them.

No, it's not ideal.

But, what it is, is safe for the girls. Their needs take precedence over every other thing that anyone might feel. Your job is to keep them safe, both physically and emotionally. You cannot fulfill that role by allowing your sister into your life (or theirs) until she gets herself together.

I'm really sorry that your mom can't see it. All she can see right now is weak sister, strong you. She's trying to make it better for her. I wish I could say that this will pass, but I don't know that it will. The best course of action might be to simply tell your mom that you love her and your sister, but you cannot allow anything to disrupt the girls' well being. When people are more appropriate and the kids are older and stronger, then you'll think about letting Sis back in your life and not before that time.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Kristin7]

Yes...the girls are my nieces....though I have had them their whole lives and they are now 9 and 11....baby has been with me since her birth...and she is 3. Sis probably had them enough to do a lot of damage unfornutately.

I agree.....I have to protect the girls and do what I think is right for them. And i do put alot of it back on the state. Officially the state/cw 's are still making the decions. I am not in charge of anytyhng really. I still have to follow the rules and do what is being asked of me. Once adoption is finalized and the state is out of this mess......then i will determine how and when visits will be....if at all. it all depends on sis and her state of mind.

Thanks everyone for validating my feelings. My parents have a hard spot to be in. They support the girls being iwth me....its everything else that they have issues with.

thanks
K

[ca-bigsister]

I don't know if there is chemical addiction, mental illness or something in your family, but my FD's family is the poster child for dysfunction. Perhaps AlAnon would be helpful because it helps to explain to us the role we play in the dysfunctional family and the codependency.

Someone explained the triangle of dependency to me and I am so grateful. Wow, it really was a lightbulb to me. I don't know if this is true of your family, but possibly you may see yourself in this triangle.

Usually in a dysfunctional family, the parties of dysfunctional move around but generally there are three parts,
1) rescuer (they need to be needed) - your mom
2) victim - your sister
3) persecutor (that's you according to mom and sister) - not in reality but it supports your sister's illness and mom's needed to be needed.

I thought was said well here - if you would like to read more about the triangle. http://www.my-counseling-site.com/co...ounseling.html

When you remove yourself from the triangle, they will need to find another persecutor or will continue to blame you in your absence.

In codependency, we all have a role until we have appropriate healthy boundaries.

I know because I moved between being the rescuer for my FD (due my need to be needed) and the persecutor (according to FD and her biomom or at times between the biomom and the biogreat-grandmother).

I have removed myself from the triangle and things are much better. I am still around FD's biofamily but I don't get into the drama. I listen and nod my head but don't try to help and solve all their problems (I couldn't anyway - it is a never ending cycle of need and drama). And I am not blamed the way I used to be by biofamily or FD.

Since I don't play a role anymore, I am much healthier and FD is seeing the family's drama a lot more and doesn't get involved like she did before. She's also learned the the codependency she had with biomom was a toxic kind of love and not a healthy love, because it was based on secrets and lies against the third part of the triangle (sometimes me, sometimes biogreatgrandmother).

Things are a lot better between FD, me and biofamily. (I'm her legal guardian so we have an ongoing biofamily relationship). Still not perfect but definately better.

(Also, at the last holiday dinner, I discovered that a glass of wine before we go over there helps a lot too).