[Angela72]

My husband and I completed all of the requirements to become Foster parents back in September.
We have a 6 year old daughter and really want to add to our family..so it is our goal to adopt a child from Foster care.
We went 2 1/2 months before we ever got a call, we're told it's because of our criteria. Which I believe to be true. We can only take in 1 child due to space. A caucasion girl ages birth to 10 yrs. old is our preference.
So, finally on Dec.1st we got a call about sisters. I reminded them that we had limited space, the girls would have to share a bedroom w/our daughter. DCS said that was fine. My husband and I thought we could handle it and we were so excited about our 1st placement.
I won't go into too many details, but the minute these poors kids walked in my door, our world was turned upside down. The destruction of things, walls, our car,our cat, etc..and the horrible behavior was something that all the PATH classes in the world can not prepare you for.
We didn't expect perfect kids, we know these children have been through so much and it is expected that they have behavior issues..but they took it to a new level. I have never seen anything like this in my life!!! I have kept 4 and 5 kids @ one time (family,friends of my daughters, etc.), but this was more than we could handle.
Our daughter broke down twice and asked me to "send them away" and I had a couple of "private breakdowns" myself.
We wanted this to work. We prayed about it. We talked about it. But we couldn't handle these kids.
So, we requested a disruption. Needless to say this was not well received. I had to go in front of the kids SW and 2 other women from DCS and "plead my case" so to speak. Prior to that I had to talk to my SW boss on the phone and give him the same info. He made me feel like a horrible person, which I am not.
I know a disruption is not a good thing and it's hard on the kids..but I'm a person too and I have my family to think of as well. We went into this with the best of intentions, but we can only handle what we can handle.
After the girls left, my husband said no more..we're done. I didn't feel the same. I wasn't ready to throw in the towel after one bad experience. After some time to think on his own, my husband changed his mind and wants to continue.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone has a similar experience. Also, I was wondering if anyone knows if you're "blacklisted" after a disruption. It's been 5 weeks and not one call. I'm curious if we should go another route. I know of a foster couple in my city who had 2 disruptions and have since adopted 2 foster kids, so that gives me hope that we will get another chance..but I'd love any insight you guys could offer.
I feel like we're all alone in this and that we're considered "bad" because of the disruption.
Sorry to go on so long..hadn't vented like this to anyone..lol
Thanks for any help you can offer.

[stevenstwin]

I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience! Disruptions are common, and lots of us here on this board have done it, so please don't feel bad. You are right that you have to really assess what you can and can't handle - and I'm surprised you had to "plead your case" like that - usually it just takes a call to the Social Worker! I've never heard of anyone being blacklisted, since goodness knows there aren't enough foster homes to go around to begin with!

[CaddoRose]

I'm sorry your first placement was so bad. Sometimes there are kids that we are not prepared to handle because their issues are so severe. It's not your fault if you don't have the training to know what to do with these types of children, and the SW shouldn't make you feel bad about it either.

It doesn't do the kids any good if they are in a home where they can not get the discipline they need. They needed to go to a home that was prepared to handle extreme behaviors. Again, that is not your fault. it's just the way things are sometimes.

My advice for you is to stick to your guns and only take one in your age group. It's possible that they will now only consider placing a single child with you because of the disruption, but that's ok.

[sergekel]

Yes!!

This very same thing happened with us.

We got the same treatment with the cold-stare meetings and the same ignoring after. No answering our calls or emails. 5 weeks went by after the boys were moved and I still hadn't heard what the status of our family was...were we closed down?? were we back on the list and it was just no appropriate kids were available?? No idea and no matter how many times I called, no one would contact me.

I finally had enough and changed agencies. Well, we're in the process of changing. I've made arrangements to have our homestudy sent over, etc...

New agency said she has to come over and do a brief assessment of us, but much shorter than the origional homestudy. Said we should be up and running within a month or so.

I really dont' know why they bother to ask what kind of kids you feel you can handle if they are just going to give you whatever and then expect you to handle it whether it works well for your family or not.

The feeling I got was once the kids were placed with us, they expected us to deal, like it or lump it. We simply were not the best or safetst family for them, period.

Sorry you are going through this, too. The sw at the new agency said that another family from my county just changed from the same old agency around Thanksgiving...so we are not the only ones not happy with how they treated us.

[AmahMama]

This is what makes the "system" so bad. And gives us "fp's" such a bad rap. We live with "our" children 24/7. I'll bet this panel of people have never had a foster child. Most case workers have never had one in thier home - and WON'T either. I think that prior to being hired - every one of them should have to have a placement and work within the system for 6 months. At the minimum.

I am a firm believer that the placing personnel need to tell the TRUTH, the WHOLE TRUTH, about the children that they are asking us to take into our homes. I had a placement worker complain to my licenseing worker because I told the truth about why I wouldn't take certain sib group for respite. I saw them at the FPA meetings, I saw them at various places in the public - and if they act that way in public - I don't want them in my home. I told my respite workers, cw's, fk's therapists, and bios of troubling behaviors. I was looking for a reason, issue, or anything that might help me understand why this was happening. I also did not want my own respite people to aviod me for "non-disclosure" or not be aware of certain behaviors. She said my negative remarks re: different behaviors made it hard to place children with people that I've talked to - and that "just because there was a certain behavior in 1 home didn't mean it would be the same in a different environment". Well, let me tell you, I'm for all of that - but when you don't tell me that 3 sibs are ALL developmently disabled and that the 6 yr old is still in diapers.... and the 8 year old still has frequent accidents... no - don't go there!!!

I feel that the negative behaviors are what disrupts... not the positive ones.... and yes there are lots and lots of disruptions because the placing people do not tell the truth! Sometimes we know (in our hearts) there is something they are not telling us - and we go ahead and try - even tho' the child(ren) are not in our preferred age bracked or there are more than we felt we wanted. This too should go back on the "system".

Stand your ground and take only what you feel that you want. Some people say that preserving birth order is important - and (so very sad to say) sometimes an "older" child that has been in a really disfunctional home for a long time - will have more 'issues' than a younger one. Just something to think about.

Don't feel bad about disrupting - it gets my dander up when these unfortunate kids are placed without the fp's having enough knowledge about thier behaviors to be able to live with them in their homes. Most ESPECIALLY when other young children are involved!!

Stay in contact with your placing personnel, make sure they know htat you haven't "given up", but make sure you do your homework before accepting another one..... ask all the questions you can think of.... I'll bet you have a longer list now that the one you had at the beginning LOL

And good luck.....

[jphollen]

We gave two week notice on our first placement. She was failing drug tests, smoking in the house...you name it. We were told next to nothing of her problems before she came. In the agencies defense (this time!) she had been living in a relative placement so the relatives failed to report a lot of it. (relatives didn't ask for removal prior to placement she was picked up by the police so they moved her then.

Don't feel bad. If you feel like your being black listed call the agency supervisor...if you don't like what you hear switch agencies.

Good luck!

Jen

[JessicaBaker]

I applaud you and your husband for sticking with it despite a negative first experience.

[sergekel]

Originally Posted by AmahMama

I'll bet this panel of people have never had a foster child. Most case workers have never had one in thier home - and WON'T either. I think that prior to being hired - every one of them should have to have a placement and work within the system for 6 months. .

Yeah, well, I'm all for that. Did I mention that the placement worker AND the casemanager for my 2 disrupted boys don't have any bio kids either. Nothing. No experience with any kids whatsoever.

Pardon me. Learning about kids in books and stuff in Social Worker College and living with them 24/7 are two different things.

And these are the ladies that were supposed to be giving ME (A parent of 16 years) guidance??? And then they dissed me for disrupting??

Yeah, well....have yourself a couple of kids and call me later with some advice is my line of thought.