[CaddoRose]

I would talk to the CW about the baptism and let her know that mom wants to set it up, just so she's aware of what is going on. If you do not have a problem taking the baby to the baptism, then it could be an arranged between you and the Mom and the CW would know when and where, etc.

As for the ears, when they are so young, it heals very quickly. I wouldn't do it to my own child as I tend to let them make those decisions for themselves when they are old enough, but since it's a foster child and Mom wants it and it's culturally acceptable, then I would try to find a place to get it done.

I would talk to my CW about both issues before I proceeded with either. I like to let my CW be the one who decides and not me. It keeps me from being the one to say no and puts all that on the CW.

[Scrapsathome]

There are some things we don't mind accomodating a bio parent on and others we simply are not going to be a part of. Two of our current foster kids have parents that bring them food from an Asian restaurant. It's some interesting fruits and vegetables and a huge box of instant noodles. That I have no problem with and we tell them they can eat "their food" any time they want to since it's just a matter of microwaving it. If we had to specially prepare any of it we probably wouldn't because I simply don't have time to make individual meals when I'm 8 months pregnant and feeding a family of 9.

These two girls are Cambodian and used to attend a Buddhist temple for special holidays and events with their family. We take them with us to our church every Sunday and all the younger kids go again for a kids' program on Wednesday nights. They're too young to stay home alone even if they wanted to. We wouldn't be willing to drop them off at a Buddhist temple. If the CW insisted on something like that they'd have to find another home to do it, because it would be violating our faith and I would consider it to be child abuse, personally. These kids have already been raised to believe that their Buddhist grandfather is some sort of magical faith healer. If he spits in their water they believe they will be healed. That's why the 13 year old almost died of a ruptured appendix last year because her family wouldn't take her for medical care.

Personally I wouldn't help foster kids get any unnecessary medical procedures done even circumcision. (Our son is not circumcised either.) If the CW insisted that be done whether it be piercings or anything along those lines, they would have to take them to get it done and assume full responsibility for the results. I, personally, am not against ear piercing although I had a bad reaction to it and have a large growth on one ear due to it. I just am not willing to be responsible for the results and would prefer not to have to deal with the after care for someone else's decision. Our current three foster girls all have pierced ears, but they are required to take care of them and keep them clean. We do help the six yr old take hers out at night. When our 4 yr old FS came into care with one earring in and one missing we simply took the other one out and decided we'd leave it like that unless a bio parent bought him new earrings and put them in themselves.

Jess

[Emily222]

I can't speak to the baptism, and I don't know the "rules" on something like ear piercings -- but I definitely would NOT willingly do that to any baby I don't care the culture.

I am really surprised to read how many here say it is painless -- I am in my FORTIES and have pierced ears and one of them ALWAYS hurts. Yes I wear solid gold posts. Yes I keep it clean -- but two days in a row of earrings and it's throbbing. Getting them pierced was also extremely painful. The actual holes did not seem to be infected but I had some kind of reaction where the lymph glands in my neck swelled and it hurt so bad I could only lie on my back at night -- could barely turn my head -- for about 3 days.

I know it's not like that for most people but I would never pierce a babies ears.

[AmahMama]

I don't know about in other states - but in the 3 that I've licensed in - the fp is not allowed to consent for a piercing of ANY kind. Hellooooo - we cannot cut thier hair without permission..... All requests from bio should go thru the cw. The cw can allow or disallow (in writing) as the law in your state allows. This way there is no issue regarding your license. Bio's many time try to retain control over things that neither of you have any control over - such as invasive procedures.... like any sort of piercings.

Let the bioM go thru the cw for any of her requests. The FP should not be on the hook for "granting" or not granting anything. There are rules and laws. If bio's visits are supervised by the county - how is she going to get the child christened? I know that if I were asked to - I wouldn't have the foggiest notion of how to go about it. I'm not saying that if it was set up, the cw notified me via email or otherwise written something that it was approved, there was the proper supervision there, that I would not take the baby - I'd even hang out and watch.... and take pictures for baby's life book. But I would not be setting it up, having Bio come, and then have an "incident" - and find out the cw didn't approve it. That is a black mark on MY license.

Here I went rambling - but this is an important issue. As much as we love these kiddos - we - as well as - the bio's have to ask for permission. This child is county custody, not mine, not bio. My friend got 'wrote up' because a preteen foster and friend pierced her own ears. reason: lack of supervision... not right - but there it is.

[tinatyme]

This is a fascinating discussion for my. My fd mother asked me to have her 1 year old daughter's ears pierced. She had also had her 3 year old son, who was with another foster parent, ear pierced when he was one. I had no problem with it. I had my ears pierced when I was a baby and I'm not hispanic and neither is my foster daughter. My family and friends actually prefer to have it done in infancy as the children don't remember and the earrings are always there for as long as they can remember so they don't mess with them. I couldn't get my AD ears pierced because her birthmom was missing in action for the time she was in foster care and then when she was adopted she was too old and I knew that she would mess with them because they would be a novelty.

I confirmed with the social worker and took her to Walmart. It was quick and easy and the baby didn't even cry. After that every night I put on the after care liquid and she is fine.

As for the baptism, I think that is the bparents choice until adoption but I would have her arrange it with the sw.

[CaddoRose]

Originally Posted by Scrapsathome

These two girls are Cambodian and used to attend a Buddhist temple for special holidays and events with their family. We take them with us to our church every Sunday and all the younger kids go again for a kids' program on Wednesday nights. They're too young to stay home alone even if they wanted to. We wouldn't be willing to drop them off at a Buddhist temple. If the CW insisted on something like that they'd have to find another home to do it, because it would be violating our faith and I would consider it to be child abuse, personally. These kids have already been raised to believe that their Buddhist grandfather is some sort of magical faith healer. If he spits in their water they believe they will be healed. That's why the 13 year old almost died of a ruptured appendix last year because her family wouldn't take her for medical care.



Jess

I just thought I would clarify that the fact that they have raised the children to believe that their grandfather is a magical faith healer has nothing to do with Buddhist philosophy. Sounds like other strange ideas people have about things in the name of religion.

[ca-bigsister]

I think that it is important to be sensitive to a child's culture and religion, and try to incorporate food/traditions from their culture into the home.

If not, our foster children can be ashamed of their culture and that part of themselves. That's what a lot of people used to do with Native Americans - take away their language, names, traditions, etc.

[Hadley2]

scraps, it's a little off-topic, but I really don't think Buddhist children should be forced to go to Christian church or live in a household that believes their faith is abusive. It is not like taking a Presbyterian to a Methodist Sunday school. Taking them to Christian church and twice a week to lessons is religious assimilation and indoctrination, not benign religious education. Additionally, you are saying you think taking them to a temple would be child abuse--that is too disrespectful and shaming, I think, to be healthy for them. If presented with a child outside Christian tradition in the future, IMO you should decline. I'm sorry, practicalities or not, I think that what you are doing is harmful to the children.

As for faith healing, I don't believe in it, but I do understand that many American Christians do.

[ca-bigsister]

Wow - I'm glad you said this Hadley2. I really had to pull it back because I can't believe a SW would put children with a foster parent who thinks that their religion is child abuse, and who says that their home food is "their" food but wouldn't try to at least incorporate a little into their own diet.

To me, yes that is toxic to the child. All cultures/races/religions should be able foster/adopt all other races/cultures/religions; however, I believe that the foster/adoptive backgrounds need to be explored and honored by the new families.

[Boulderbabe]

Jess,

Before you judge the Hmong/Cambodian community too harshly, you might be interested in reading a terrific book: "The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down," by Anne Fadiman. It's about a little Hmong girl in California who gets sick, and all the cultural misunderstandings that occur between the family and the medical community. It's a brilliant book--it won a National Book Award--and I think you'll totally enjoy it!

[ca-bigsister]

Great book - highly recommended. I read it for a multicultural class for my teaching credential.

[AmahMama]

As a foster parent of several different cultural and racial children - and yes - several at once - I do not believe nor will I participate in extremisn or fanaticism for any of the children in our home. I will not deride or be negative regarding any of them - but I also will not be active in pursueing it = if I feel uneasy about them. I thought the topic of this thread was "what can they expect of me - the foster parent". This may sound rather "snarky" -but - if the parents are that involved with the child and the child's life and everything was so great and positive - they wouldn't be in care - and if the other people that are that involved have such issues with what is or isn't done to thier (the bio's) expectations - then someone should have stepped up and took this child from the get go.

I don't at all mean to sound mean - one of my many, many soapboxes is - I'm the fp - I have rules that I need to abide by - I will not break the rules nor will I do something I feel is unsafe or morally at question because the "bio's" are THE parents. If that is what is required for their child - the child needs to be put in a home that has beliefs that coincide with that family. If one cannot be found - then the bio's should be grateful that there is a home available for their child - or the child would end up in one of the county shelters - and there they are warehoused. Even if foster homes aren't perfect - the shelters are worse by far.

Sorry about the soapbox - after a while it gets where I have to just "let it out" and let the rant go - then I feel better.

I want to close by saying I have respect for all the cultures and races and religions. I will respect them all - we are all of God's creatures and I will not go against that belief - not for bio's, not for the system, not for anything - I cannot be something that I am not. Nor should we (the fp's) need to pretend we are.

I do not think the original poster should have to follow the bio's direction. I feel that the bio should be going thru the cw for these requests - In addition - I (as a fp) wouldn't necessarily want to be having daily chats with the bio's. Our bio's have very seldom ever had our phone number - and if the baby isn't even verbal yet - I don't think for sure I would even like that part.

[Emily222]

Originally Posted by AmahMama

As a foster parent of several different cultural and racial children - and yes - several at once - I do not believe nor will I participate in extremisn or fanaticism for any of the children in our home. I will not deride or be negative regarding any of them - but I also will not be active in pursueing it = if I feel uneasy about them. I thought the topic of this thread was "what can they expect of me - the foster parent". This may sound rather "snarky" -but - if the parents are that involved with the child and the child's life and everything was so great and positive - they wouldn't be in care - and if the other people that are that involved have such issues with what is or isn't done to thier (the bio's) expectations - then someone should have stepped up and took this child from the get go.

Amen.

I do not have foster children yet -- my husband and I are just starting this journey and hoping to foster to adopt. We think. But after reading this thread I'm starting to wonder if it's right for us.

We have had MANY adoptive parents tell us that they chose to go to another country to adopt because they just were not willing to deal with the system in the US.

I thought -- oh, how bad could it be? And then I read on here that you can't cut your foster child's hair without their Bio paren'ts permission? I almost fell out of my chair. How can the system ask you to be responsible for the well being of a child if they don't even trust you to know if/when the child needs a hair cut? And they do trust the parent who has, for whatever reason, lost their rights to parent?

As for all the cultural issues -- if these children are in the US foster system -- aren't they American? I would never mock or denigrate any tradition, ritual, or "way" that a child was raised with prior to coming to my home, but I also would not assume that everything said and done to the child was "Good" or "harmless" -- isn't there a REASON they're in foster care?

If a child showed interest in a culture I would definitely enjoy helping them explore and learn about it and maybe incorporate good things from it into our lives. But I certainly would not push something on them just because of their skin color.

I have three step daughters (grown now) who are mexican by race. They're actually perplexed and a little offended when people assume they're into Mexican cultural things. Their attitude is "uh, I'm an American just like you."

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by Emily222

Amen.

I do not have foster children yet -- my husband and I are just starting this journey and hoping to foster to adopt. We think. But after reading this thread I'm starting to wonder if it's right for us.

We have had MANY adoptive parents tell us that they chose to go to another country to adopt because they just were not willing to deal with the system in the US.

I thought -- oh, how bad could it be? And then I read on here that you can't cut your foster child's hair without their Bio paren'ts permission? I almost fell out of my chair. How can the system ask you to be responsible for the well being of a child if they don't even trust you to know if/when the child needs a hair cut? And they do trust the parent who has, for whatever reason, lost their rights to parent?

As for all the cultural issues -- if these children are in the US foster system -- aren't they American? I would never mock or denigrate any tradition, ritual, or "way" that a child was raised with prior to coming to my home, but I also would not assume that everything said and done to the child was "Good" or "harmless" -- isn't there a REASON they're in foster care?

If a child showed interest in a culture I would definitely enjoy helping them explore and learn about it and maybe incorporate good things from it into our lives. But I certainly would not push something on them just because of their skin color.

I have three step daughters (grown now) who are mexican by race. They're actually perplexed and a little offended when people assume they're into Mexican cultural things. Their attitude is "uh, I'm an American just like you."

As far as haircuts - my understanding is that we are simply not allowed to change the appearance of a foster child. We can maintain their current hair style, but would need permission to change it. This is because the child is not legally ours, so we do not have the right to make that decision. My son (recently adopted from foster care) will finally get his first haircut on Saturday.
It's long, but really, it hasn't been a big deal. On the list of things foster and fost-adopt parents deal with, this is small potatoes.

But, umm - what does being American have to do with whether or not you take a child to a Buddhist temple? Some Americans are Buddhist. Some Americans are Latino. American does not equal Christian and it does not equal white. Americans are a diverse and many-cultured group of people. I like us that way.

As far as the comment about extremism . . . Amah, do you mean supporting a child's Buddhist faith is extremist? That statement seemed odd to me. Maybe I'm not understanding you. Faith healing and failing to get medical care for a child could certainly be viewed as extremist. But I didn't hear anyone suggesting support for that. Merely for being supportive of the religious beliefs these children had been raised with thus far, which are no more responsible for their being in care than Christianity is responsible when Christian children are taken into care.

[Scrapsathome]

I think there are some assumption being made here that need to be corrected. First off, I never tell my foster children that their family's religion is "wrong" or disrespect it. I simply do not promote it. The part that I was saying was child abuse was the refusal to take your child for medical care in a life threatening situation. It's been politically correct for quite some time for the non-religious to say that it's child abuse to let a child die because your religious beliefs tell you that either the child will be healed by faith/prayer or they weren't meant to live. But maybe it's really only PC if the parents involved claim some version of Christianity as their faith. It seems, from what I've learned so far, that in Cambodia there are lots of different forms of Buddhism that have become intermingled with their culture. Just because my foster children come from that culture doesn't mean that I should enthusiastically encourage them in beliefs that could lead to their death. If the younger sister had a rupturing appendix, would it be my job to support their cultural background by calling in their grandpa and waiting for him to heal her?

Furthermore, when we were going through the foster care certification process they asked us all about our faith and how we would handle situations. We were completely honest and direct that any children placed with us would be attending church with us and also how we would answer questions if a foster child came to us with something that conflicted strongly with our beliefs (for instance, homosexuality). We were totally upfront with them. So, if they place a child with us then they are fully aware of our views and intentions. I'm guessing they may have a hard time finding lots of available Cambodian or Buddhist foster homes in our area.

On the other hand, we do support their cultural heritage as much as we can. We have taken them to special restaurants that serve the kind of food their family makes. I just this week helped my 13 yr old FD research an essay for a contest where she compared life in Cambodia to life in the U.S. She got third place! Another misunderstanding some seemed to have in an above post was that I was saying that "their" food is something foreign and set off to the side. What I meant was that it literally belongs to them as opposed to food that they have to ask permission before getting. We've had many bio parents send home snacks and other foods from visits and we've always let the kids know that they are free to eat that at any time. For the meals we prepare at home, though, the decision on what to serve all 9 of us is influenced by price and my ability to keep it down since any kind of strong smell or spiciness makes me horribly ill still here in my last few weeks of pregnancy.

I do not consider it to be "indoctrination" to involve the kids in the church activities that are part of our family life any more than the fact that we take them to Fazoli's (Italian fast food) every Tuesday night for Kids' Night is corrupting them from enjoying the food that their parents send. I don't consider it my job to shelter them from outside ideas or experiences as long as they aren't actually dangerous.

On a final note, we do not "force" the kids to go to church. If they were adamantly opposed to it they could request a transfer to a different foster home. They are actually having a great time, making lots of friends, and gaining self-esteem through the patches they earn on Wednesday nights and the special awards they receive sometimes on Sundays like "Super Star" badges for good behavior and participation. Two of them got to be in the Kids' Christmas Choir and talked of nothing else for weeks. So, I'm trying to understand what the alternative would be. Should I keep them home during all the special events that the other kids get to be part of every week because they aren't Christian kids? How would that be better for them?

Jess