[stevenstwin]

He spent a week with his grandparents and aunt, 7 hours north of here, for a kind of late "Christmas holiday". That's all wonderful, but they decided to bring him back on a day that the weather was 4 below. Auntie's truck froze up half way here. They phoned ME to come get him. I was the first resource, and they were NOT willing to listen to other options. Frankly, I'm a nervous winter driver with a little car, and I am quite sick with flu at the moment. On top of that, it would mean driving in the dark on unfamiliar roads know for wildlife. I asked if they'd called the Social Worker - nope, and won't. How about the bus? No- we don't know if they are sending one out today. So I offered to call for the schedule - but they don't have any money to put him on the bus!! I said I'd call and pay for it - put it on my credit card. But it turns out the bus takes a really round-about route, so it would be nearly 8 hours for him to get home. WELLLL....but the time I drive 3.5 hours THERE to get him and we get back home, that didn't look like much better of a deal. But the bus is so uncomfortable, and unfriendly, dontcha' know.... Well, I'm not suprised that A. is all ticked off about this, because he's A. But the aunt is actually YELLING at me on the phone about how I keep acting like I care and want to be his mom, so wouldn't now be the time to prove it??? What they finally did was have grandpa drive down, meet them half way, finish the trip off to bring A. home, and then drive back up to pick up auntie and take her back home. And this is a 15 hour round trip for him, and his health is poor, so it is so sad he had to do this, but that is what FAMILY does... Blech. And all this happened LAST Saturday, but A. still isn't speaking to me - wouldn't even acknowledge the Christmas gifts *I* gave him (about $50 worth of clothes and a $50 grocery store gift card - apparently I'm also prety "cheap" and grocery money isn't a very good gift. ) In fact, the last civil conversation we had was on the phone, when we were taking about his job problem with the step-mom being there. So, again - I'm not astonished by his behaviour. But I'm surprised and hurt that his bios (the ones I've always gotten along with, and who were always so supportive) now think I'm a terrible person. Should I have gone and gotten him? I'd admit there is a time I WOULD have. I know I'm partly being petty because of his insistence on renewing ties with "dad". I did ask if they'd called HIM to come get A. - he has a vehicle. But A. pointed out that "You know he would never come get me - but I thought YOU would!"
ps - sorry this is so disorganized, but another interesting point related to the Christmas gifts is that he was telling me all about how he spent $200 on gifts for his grandparents and auntie...but he didn't get us anything, not even my 10 year old that he's so close to. (She brought him a Stitch keychain that says "World's Greatest Brother). Naturally I'm not complaining he didn't buy us gifts! But it shows that level again of how the bio family is so near and dear to his heart, despite how little they really ever have been involved in his life.

[potentialsinglemom]

You were sick with the flu. Once you said that, there should not have been any other conversation. For the Aunt to pull out the guilt card was wrong. I am glad you stood your ground.

P.S.,

I wished someone would have given me a gift card for groceries when I was just starting out. That would have been the ultimate gift!!!

[sergekel]

In all, I think you did the right thing. It is a pretty sticky situation...but I think when families want "in" in a child's life, they need to learn to take full responsibility...instead of always looking for someone from the outside to come and bail them out.

Now....if they were completely stranded and had no options and were in dire straits and in real trouble I would have said to go and get him.

But them refusing to call anyone else....and by your offering to make calls and help with bus money, etc...shows that you DO care about A and the situation.

I'm sorry for being in this sticky situation. I AM proud of you for not letting people use you for a doormat. I am sorry that A doesn't see the whole picture clearly.

[Yash]

You definitely made the right call. And I hope A comes around sooner rather than later. He is very blessed to have a loving mom like you.

[greenrobin]

No, not mean at all. Also not enabling.

A wants it all ways--your family, his family, you at his beck and call--but he wants it when HE wants it. Sorry, that's not a relationship. But then, a relationship would require him to consider other peoples' feelings. And 17 yr olds are not exactly known for that, even when they're emotionally healthy! BTDT 3 times!

Anyway, you tried to be a problem solver. They were bent on a single solution they'd determined. You did good! Feel pretty sorry for grandpa, though. But, he also had the choice of saying take the bus.

And, for what it's worth, we gave our son's former fiance a grocery store gift card for Christmas. She danced a jig!

Hope you're feeling better and fully recovered now!

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by greenrobin

A wants it all ways--your family, his family, you at his beck and call--but he wants it when HE wants it. Sorry, that's not a relationship.

Yes, that's very succinct and accurate! Still, I'm surprised and a little hurt to see the family pulling the same schtick. By the way - there is nothing that I'm aware of wrong with grandpa's health...he's fairly young and works full time on an oil rig, so I think that was just a "guilt trip". I have such mixed feelings about this bunch - they are trying, to the extent that they are capable of. But the problems in the family run pretty deep.

[LollipopsAndGumdrops]

I have a slightly different opinion than the other responses.

I totally agree that it was a perfectly reasonable response for you to say that you were sorry, you were sick with the flu, your driving would not save any time over his taking the bus, and you were going to provide an alternative means for him to get home when they failed to uphold their end of the deal in doing so. It wasn't a problem until they made it a problem, and the only problem was their drama. I'm totally with ya there!

You seem to be resentful or another negative emotion over his wanting to establish ties with people who are abusive and who are only going to hurt him (I know I would be!) and that seems to be showing in your response. Like in asking where his abusive bio dad was, knowing he of course wasn't going to be there taking care of him. I think A is probably most hurt by your being hurt, and not by your initial desire to bring him home on the bus over driving to get him. I think he's really needing to know that he has you to come home safely to, like a toddler first learning to walk, and to know that you'll be his emotionally solid rock to rely on. Your response made him see your hurt, your vulnerability, and to have a mixed response of some guilt for causing it and of some indignation because in his mind, he did nothing wrong (the bio family being to blame) but you took it out on him.

I think it would have been better to have said the exact same thing in a super-loving way, assuring him of your love and concern for him and that you would get him home safely by putting him on the bus. Then he would have been forced to accept that it was his bio family causing the drama and not you. I don't remember the wording, but I've seen the recommendation to master the art of a non-emotional response in dealing with foster kids, and I think your (understandingly!) emotional response is really the only area you had control of that you could have changed for a better result.

God bless you for handling it as well as you have as dealing with a 17 yr old who is trying to re-establish ties with people who have hurt him and are going to hurt him again must be taking so much strength and determination on your part!

[CaddoRose]

I've been reading your story since I joined the forums over a year ago and considering the history here, you did the right thing. It doesn't matter if you had the flu or whatever. Sometimes when people call, we can't always answer. To have provided viable options that they refused to even consider puts it on them. They expected you to jump no matter what and didn't consider that you might not be able to help them at that moment. I think it just shows their mind set and yet again gives more info into why things are the way they are.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by LollipopsAndGumdrops

I have a slightly different opinion than the other responses.

I totally agree that it was a perfectly reasonable response for you to say that you were sorry, you were sick with the flu, your driving would not save any time over his taking the bus, and you were going to provide an alternative means for him to get home when they failed to uphold their end of the deal in doing so. It wasn't a problem until they made it a problem, and the only problem was their drama. I'm totally with ya there!

You seem to be resentful or another negative emotion over his wanting to establish ties with people who are abusive and who are only going to hurt him (I know I would be!) and that seems to be showing in your response. Like in asking where his abusive bio dad was, knowing he of course wasn't going to be there taking care of him. I think A is probably most hurt by your being hurt, and not by your initial desire to bring him home on the bus over driving to get him. I think he's really needing to know that he has you to come home safely to, like a toddler first learning to walk, and to know that you'll be his emotionally solid rock to rely on. Your response made him see your hurt, your vulnerability, and to have a mixed response of some guilt for causing it and of some indignation because in his mind, he did nothing wrong (the bio family being to blame) but you took it out on him.

I think it would have been better to have said the exact same thing in a super-loving way, assuring him of your love and concern for him and that you would get him home safely by putting him on the bus. Then he would have been forced to accept that it was his bio family causing the drama and not you. I don't remember the wording, but I've seen the recommendation to master the art of a non-emotional response in dealing with foster kids, and I think your (understandingly!) emotional response is really the only area you had control of that you could have changed for a better result.

God bless you for handling it as well as you have as dealing with a 17 yr old who is trying to re-establish ties with people who have hurt him and are going to hurt him again must be taking so much strength and determination on your part!

Well, I think you'd have to know the whole history to fully see it. Yes, I see where you are coming from and have worked for years to present that appropriate attitude. But in the past several months we've seen some really odd stuff - including the abusive dad actually LIVING with A. for a while, with the full knowledge of Children's Services, who weren't willing to put stop to it. A. has a very long history of putting dad first, and insisting that dad has NEVER abused or neglected him and is a great parent. (dad is actually an uncle, by the way - one that had custody for 8 years but never adopted, so his status has always been a grey area). Both myself AND the rest of his bio family have tried very hard to make him "see" uncles's flaws, but he's pretty stubborn about NOT seeing it. We are all very concerned that when he gets his inheritance in a couple of months dad will end up with most of it, so we all try to seize every opportunity to inject some reality into it: like pointing out that dad is perfectly CAPABLE of driving up there to pick him up, but would never do so.(the guy has a vehicle, is not currently working, and is on A's speed dial; Children's services would have no objection to him driving A. anywhere since they say A. is old enough to make his own decisions. So it is really interesting that A. would NOT call him to come get him - he must know on some level the man is incapable of being there for him.) It's hard to say if that is the "right" thing to do or not given our unique set of circumstances, but we're at the point of "no holds barred" in our bid to make him face enough reality to not lose his whole inheritance inside of a month. Perhaps that all just sounds like excuse making, and I do confess that my level of hurt does play a role. As someone above said - A. wants it ALL, and on his own terms. Some days it does get wearying enough for me to want to be done with it altogether.

[Lorraine123]

They are trying, to the extent that they are capable of.

I think this is something we must always remember. They are not capable of parenting in the way we are. And to keep expecting that from them just causes hurt all around.