[kxl164]

I used to have a handle on this, but I lost my grip somewhere along the way....

My son, former foster now adopted, is a screamer. He has always been a screamer ever since placement at 10 months, this is not new. He has calmed down a lot, a tremendous amount. He screamed 90% of the time in the beginning, then about 65% of the time before TPR when I could "wear" him, down to 20% of the time post-TPR, to about 5% of the time now, if at all, at 3.5 years old.

He has come a long way.

Now I am finding myself unable to tolerate the screaming anymore. The high pitched I am scared for my life screaming for little reasons like my glove is on wrong or my seat-belt is twisted. I realize that these are normal things that frustrate children and that he uses screaming as his way of dealing with frustration still... I get that in my head, but my emotions are just done with it. I used to be able to handle it, but suddenly I am not. I lost it this morning and yelled at him for it (this is after of course his screaming came out of the blue and startled me so much we almost got into a car accident), and I honestly wanted to just run far and far away and not look back. (Which of course I didn't) Those feelings of course made me feel sick inside and now I am just exhausted and it is not even 10am.

Help find my tolerance/compassion again. I used to have it, I used to be able to help him (which is why he is down to screaming seldomly instead of regularly), now I just feel depleted.

What do you do to handle the screaming, or whatever it is your children do that really gets under your skin and makes you see red? This has always been something I had to work on, but he and I were both doing really well, but I am back-sliding and I don't want him to back-slide along with me.

Thanks,

[jphollen]

Maybe you could get a break for a little while. Short respite, even a baby sitter just to help you recharge.

Current fs came from such chaos he craves it. Calm environments make him anxious. When I can't take his button pushing anymore...As soon as DH gets home I go take a bath with an audio book turned up on the loud side! When I finally get out I am (usually ) ready for round 2!

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by jphollen

Current fs came from such chaos he craves it. Calm environments make him anxious. When I can't take his button pushing anymore...

THAT sounds familiar! With mine, I've also concluded it is self-medicating for his ADHD. When we had him successfully medicated the raging and yelling stopped...now that he's nearly 18 and has chosen to go off the meds again ("because I don't feel like myself when I'm on them") it's back to blow ups and yelling. THis kid's permanent emotion is ANGRY - that's his resting state. It takes VERY positive energy to get him into any other emotion...and then he just returns to angry anyway.

[jeni-b]

My DD is a screamer too. It is so annoying, but somedays when she just screams at everything I wear earplugs. Not kidding! I can hear enough to operate, but the screams are muffled and I respond more calmly. I typically pick her up and carry her to her room and tell her to come back out when she has gained composure.
And breaks on the really hard days, just a few minutes in solitude makes a world of difference.
Another thing that stops her is to do something really unexpected. I have splashed her with water when I was doing dishes (just a little flick), got right in her eye line and said something really crazy. It normally works.

[babe1978]

The slashing in the face with water really works for me too. I actually sometimes carry a water squarter with me {put on mist}. It was so bad I could not go grocery shopping with him, but know he goes with me. We still deal with it but it's a lot better.

[AmyAnne]

Can you start an incentive system where he gets a sticker every time he uses words instead of screaming?

My kid's not a screamer, he's a whiner. A BAD whiner when he's upset, to the point that I put on my Ipod.

[kxl164]

The problem with him is that once the screaming starts, once he gets to that point.... incentives or consequences don't really make a difference. His screaming is a direct result of being abused when he cried out for help as an infant, so his fear is real (to him) and I have to calm the fear and try to look 5 steps back to see what triggered the response. I can do that when I'm calm, but I am having a very hard time doing that in the moment right now.

Like I said he has gotten much better, it is just in the moment where I am not handling it anymore and I don't want my reactions to escalate his.

I don't know how I handled it before or what has happened in my own mind, other than he is getting older and had been getting progressively better but he seems to be stagnent for a while in progressing on the screaming front.

When he is screaming because of stubborness issues, that can be handled by time alone for him until he can act appropriately, but that scream is different than the "I am in fear for my life scream." The stubborness scream doesn't bother me, the frustrated scream doesn't bother me, the anger scream doesn't bother me, the high pitched "I'm in fear for my life scream" though, that bothers me. All of his screams used to be the fear scream, but again he has come a long way and it doesn't happen very often after being safe in our home for so long, and after all of the attachment work. But he still screams (out of fear for little reasons) for reasons real to him and no one else and when it compromises the safety of me, him, and my other children.... it is just so hard to handle right now.

I would try to water bottle "cool off" idea, but since he was almost drowned once.... I don't think that would work for him, just make it worse and even more threatening.

Maybe I really need more help to not let him get to that point, or maybe I need a refill of compassion for what he has been through... I don't know, I just know that I need to stop getting so incredibly angered when he screams out of fear for his life (again which is real to him) for no real reason. If he was screaming out of fear because he was stuck at the top of the jungle gym I would go running to him, but if he is screaming from fear because his glove fell off while I am driving, not frustration, not anger, but from FEAR, that makes me angry because although it triggers a real fear response I'm not handling it well anymore.

I can't teach him to be calm if I am not calm myself and I am starting to not to care that he IS really scared because I'm so tired of it. And that upsets me more that the screaming does, which is really hard to top.

[Kelly Rae]

If I get you right the screaming has improved, but your ability to handle it is worse. Sounds like a tired mom who needs a break. Are you under more stress right now? With holidays recently over and real life underway again you could be plane old tired. Are you getting some sort of break from his care to get refreshed? If not you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your son. What ever you find refreshing do it regularly...

[kxl164]

My husband talked me into playing Rock Band with him tonight, I have to say banging of the drums is very therapuetic!!!!