[beccals2]

This is generally the response I get when I tell someone my DH and I are foster parents. I find it offensive...as if they're implying I don't get attached to our foster children. I know they don't mean it this way, but ugh! I need a witty comeback. I have been saying, "Getting attached means I'm doing my job well. The day I don't get attached is the day I quit foster parenting." I need something better. What do you say in response to these kind of comments?

[waited2long]

That was my reason for deciding to do straight adoption instead of Fostering... I was afraid I would not be strong enough to let the children go...

That was before I was denied... I have had alot more time to think about it and to think on my own strengths, emotions, the children, the families, etcetera... Now I feel that I will have the strength to send the children to their forever homes, be it their biological, kinship or adoptive homes. I know it will be hard, but I think I will come to terms with it and be okay, sad, but okay.

I think a good response would be honesty... Let that person know that it isn't easy, it's hard, it's sad, it's heartbreaking.... But, if not you, who?

[vegaschristina]

How about saying

"Things you never say to a foster parent?" Oh wait, we're not playing $25,000 Pyramid?

[carlychan]

Actually, I have never found it offensive but sitting here thinking about it...it really kind of is! I have no good response. I'll probably say something a little sarcastic the next time someone says that to me

[mrstkg1]

The one I like is, "oh, I could never give them back', and I always say, oh, I don't give them back, they just come get them.

The one you mentioned used to bother me too, so now I generally say, well, giving them back is part of the deal, so I guess you wouldn't make a very good foster parent" and leave it at that.

Or I say, "if I kept them all, I wouldn't be able to help very many children, and we really want to help as many as possible."

Or sometimes I say, "Well, I have to put my feelings aside and do what I need to for the kids."

[MPJJJ]

I just use sarcasm and say "yea, well I guess I'm just heartless." Depending on the person. If it is someone whom I know means well, then I'll say something like "it's going to kill me when they leave, but the things worth doing are rarely easy."

[MommyAlysia]

While it comes across offensive, I try to take those comments as a compliment instead of an insult. Most people mean well by those comments, even though the wording is insulting. Of course they will get attached, most everyone would, but what they really mean is they do not have the strength to let them go and *you* do, and thats ok to admit. You having strength doesn't make you heartless, quite the opposite actually, it means you love them enough to put their needs before your emotions. I don't think foster care is cut out for everyone, FP's put up with a lot they really have to be in it for the right reasons.

I usually try to educate rather than snap back, unless of course the person saying is trying to be insulting. I explain, "It won't be easy to let them go but someone has to do it and they need it to be someone who will love them unconditionally while they are there."

[bethy724]

Ask them point blank - where should the children stay while their parents are in jail/getting themselves together - at the CPS offices? Where? Well- I put my feelings aside to provide a loving home for the children - they've been thru more than most adults. Something to think about. End of discussion.

I also love "I could NEVER do that" My reply " I could never NOT do it-I have the room, love & every child deserves to be safe"

[EandDmom]

I also find it extremely insulting and have been trying to figure out what to say as well.

[sparkle1908]

Depending on who it was that said it, I'd probably respond with "You don't know what you could do until you trust in God and your own abilities" or something along those lines...

Normally when you inject God and/or religion into a statement, those negative, nasty folks seem to just run in the opposite direction!!!

Try it...when I am at work and someone I know is being messy asks me how I am doing, I respond "I am blessed and highly favored"...they leave quick, fast and in a hurry!!!!!!

[wantaskinbaby]

I, too, have wondered what to say to this type of statement. I usually stay quiet because not only do I get offended at the implication that they would love the children far more than I do, but also because I feel that it is a very convenient excuse not to do foster care.

I'm trying very hard to remember that it took me a long, long time before I felt that I could comply with the requirements of a foster parent, especially complying with a plan for reunification, so in many ways, I have been exactly where the people are who say that they couldn't do foster care because they would get too attached.

I still get very angry though. In our church, one of our core values is that children are important, however, there are only two couples (us included) in our entire church who have done foster care and we are the only ones who are currently fostering any children. I sometimes just want to stand up and yell at people that if they really, truly love children, then they would give the ones who don't have a loving, stable home somewhere to live where they will be loved and provided for, even if it means that they have to risk getting hurt themselves.

The true definition of love is to be able to do what is best for the other person, even if it means that very action may not serve our own best interest or desires. This is what foster parents do every day, we try to do what is best for our children, including getting attached, knowing that we may end up getting hurt in the end. Foster parenting is one of the most selfless acts of service that anyone could ever do. I guess not everyone can be that selfless.

[CaddoRose]

I think this is the sentiment of most people and why so many good parents don't become foster parents. It isn't easy and it can certainly be heartbreaking. The rewards however can outweigh the negatives.

I really don't know what to say to people who use that phase " I would become to attached" because I think they just don't know what to say and say that out of ignorance. I usually will explain that we feel this is what we are suppose to be doing. Most of the comments we get could be insulting, but I think they come from people who just don't understand what fostering is all about. They know all the myths and none of the facts and feel compelled to offer some type of comment.

[onhazier]

I respond with something along the lines of "I get to love them for as long as they're living with us." or "But it is not about me. It is about loving them and keeping them safe."

[dakotabluebaby]

I haven't had any kids yet, but have gotten that response from people when told that we will.

I've said, "yeah I will get too attached, but I'm a grown up and I have to think about whats best for the children."

"I'd rather get to attached then never to helped at all"

and my mean day I said (not recommended)

"well, that's why God made me, I care about these kids more than my own feelings, he already had enough of you"

can you tell I was in a bad mood

[millie58]

take it as a compliment. The person saying this isn't selfless enough to do it.