[NotAMomYet]

We are looking for straight adoption because we would "get too attached" to do foster care. Well, we say that's the reason but the real reason is that we/I am not emotionally strong enough to suffer the loss of a foster child and move on. I know that it is hard for foster parents, but I think that some people are more able/willing to put on a brave face and move on the next day or week. I would be a basket case unable to feed myself. Heck, I cry when I say goodbye to my folks after a weekend visit, and I see them at least once a month!

People say the "wrong" things meaning well all the time. They are not trying to insult you, they are trying to show you that they can see a weakness in their own emotional armour. They don't think you are calused, but rather that you are a stong person who can survive. You are the Scarlet O'Hahara of child care - not letting today's suffering stop you from living tomorrow, which is, afterall, another day.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

I will probably get flamed for this, but I think sometimes foster parents are overly sensitive. I did straight adoption because I didn't think I could do foster. Because "I would get too attached". That doesn't mean I think you are heartless, it doesn't mean that I don't care about children, it doesn't mean that I deserve a sarcastic response. It means that I know my limitations. I know that I would have a very difficult time supporting reunification. I know my children and I know that one of them would have a difficult time seeing other children come and go. Does that mean I'm selfish and unable to place a child's needs above my own? I don't think so. We all have our own gifts. I have severely emotionally disturbed children. Not everyone could parent them. I've been told by others that there is no way they could do it. That doesn't mean that others are heartless. It means that we all excel in different ways. I thank God that that is the case because the world needs us all.

I agree with this. We have gone through an excruciating process of deciding "no" to doing foster care, at least for now. We know our limitations and one of them is, for me, after all we've been through I don't want to have to say goodbye to a child I've attached to. It doesn't make anyone else heartless and it doesn't make me ignorant or deserving sarcasm when I'm just trying to express how I'm feeling honestly.

Right now I can't do what you do. I have limits to what I can handle. If that makes me a coward or whatever in the eyes of other people, I think that is better to admit than to get our family into a situation that we can't handle. Maybe someday we'll be able to see things differently. I honestly hope so because being a foster mom is something I'd really like to do someday. But right now it is no.

[bigtalker]

What about asking what CAN you do? If you get too attached what can you do to help children in foster care. Do you have special talents? Can you be a respite provider to support foster parents who need a break? Do you work on cars? You could offer you services to the many single foster parents out there who could use help with routine car maintance. Do you sew, knit? Foster kids need clothes. How about supporting your local foster parent association and helping with welcome bags? Maybe just ask what foster parents in your area are in need of. Are you an advocate? photographer? attorney? Could you be a CASA? What ever your talent is how could you use it to support children and families in foster care?

[kxl164]

To me, the problem I have with these types of comments are the way the usually presented: "I would get too attached", "My heart is too big", "I wouldn't be able to give the kids back", " I would love the kids too much".... it feels to me like the speaker is patting themselves on the back for how caring they are and saying that people who care as much as they do can't do foster care.

To me, it feels like they feel the need to justify not doing foster care to, a person who has fostered, and their justification is that they care too much.

I don't need to hear the reasons why someone chooses not to do foster care, especially when they are presented in way to booster the speakers own self-worth; because in their way of presenting the comment they insinuate that I am not as caring as they are, that my heart isn't as big as theirs, that I don't love the kids as much as they would... it is a put down in the form of a compliment in order to make those who don't foster feel better about themselves.

What is worse is that I truely feel most of the people who say these things ARE trying to compliment foster parents and don't realize how hurtful their comments actually are.

I have had one person, one, say to me "I could never do that, you must be a really strong person and I can see how great you are for your kids ."

That was the nicest compliment I ever received, it was not false and the speaker was not trying to justify her reasons for not doing foster care. I don't ever try to pressure others to do foster care, I feel it is a calling, I don't bring it up, I don't look down on others who don't foster, but many people feel insecure around foster parents and therefore use these "backhanded" compliments w/o realizing that they are being insulting.

I usually just sigh now with a tight smile on my face and don't comment, because I realize that most people are trying to be nice. For the ones that really over the top... (of those kids are so damaged, you must have dealt with addiction yourself in the past, how do you deal with those people) well, they get given the facts if I feel they are misinformed about foster care.

[fredalina]

Hmmmm... i would never look down on someone who decided they wanted to help foster kids but did a real introspection and realized that they truly aren't strong enough or aren't otherwise cut out to be a foster parent. Especially if that person, as part of the introspection, considers other ways they can help (adoption, advocacy, volunteering, etc). i'm not "better" than someone else because i am going the foster route.

BUT i do have a problem with the "i could never do that; i'd get too attached" response from 99% of the people who say it because it's so off-handed. IMO most of them are saying it as a pat response and a little bit of a pat on the back to themselves or as a simple excuse or justification for not bothering. It's their way of putting blindfolds on themselves and holding their heads up high anyway. We all know there's a serious problem with the foster care system, we all know that kids need safe places to stay while their parents get their lives cleaned up, we all know there are still some foster parents in it for money or who are abusers. It's simply not enough to say, "Well i'm such a great person i'd get attached so i don't have to bother myself thinking about kids in need."

i do dog rescue and i've gotten that response for years. It's just dogs, not children, so it's totally different, but it's usually said with the same attitude. Not, "wow, you're a great person for spending your time and money rehabbing dogs who've been thrown away so others can enjoy them. i don't think i could stand to bond with a dog and then give them away, but what can i do? Can i donate money or supplies? Watch them for a weekend while you go out of town? Something like that?" But, "i couldn't do it, i'd get attached" and turn their backs and walk away. Not that i expect an award or anything, i certainly don't do it for recognition from human beings, but the pat answer to prop themselves up while at the same time taking a backhanded stab at me, intentional or not, does get old.

[SarahLaughed]

Someone posted on a debate forum I frequent that we shouldn't waste our time debating when there are so many starving, neglected children in the world.

I posted that I was becoming a foster parent, and wondered what she was doing for the starving, neglected children?

She replied that she donated money to Feed the Children. So I replied with a quote from the "American Institute of Philanthropy" how Feed the Children only gives 18% of the money donated to the children, and I felt I could do more by actually taking these children into my home and making sure that they were loved, safe and fed.

I am still awaiting her reply...