[crick]

I would think *MOST* people are simply pointing out their own weakness if you will and it's supposed to more of a compliment to you. I understand how certain phrases can sound and I have a few of my own phrases in life that just grate on my nerves. I try to remember though that MOST of the time, people mean well and are not trying to be offensive. (Obviously there are just plain ole mean statements made, but this one doesn't seem to be one of those, imo)

I really try to remember this when I get irritated with "supposed to be nice" statements. I think at times the responses back would be better served if done through kindness or informative rather than sarcastic or mean. I might not always succeed, but I really do try!

[~*Max*~]

I tell them that that is what it takes to be a good foster parent - the ability to love them and attach and STILL be able to let go when the time comes. You don't love them any less because you are able to say goodbye.

[fredalina]

Well, i'm one who thinks sarcasm, especially if done well, can be very educational. i use sarcasm sometimes, and a straight-up answer sometimes, and i just ignore them sometimes. It depends on the relationship i have with them and how much time i have.

i also think people need to do more thinking before they speak. As a woman suffering from infertility in her 30's, i'm tired of people telling me i'd "better get started" having kids because i'm "not getting any younger". They probably don't mean to be mean but it really can be hurtful. Not only is it a crack at my age, it's also just plain insensitive. If and when one person has kids is not the business of another person unless they're very close friends or relatives. i usually make a sarcastic crack at them because there's no way that can be a compliment.

i learned in my first year of marriage not to ask newlyweds how is married life. So grating! Just think before you speak, people. That's not really so hard is it?

[c.a]

I usually make a comparison to other losses I've experienced in my life. I say "We bring pets in to our lives, knowing that they are unlikely to outlive us - would you not adopt a dog because he is likely to only give you ten or twelve loving years and then leave you?" or "I wouldn't give up a minute with my grandmother just because she passed away." and "I don't discourage my children from having relationships just becaue they might suffer a loss when the relationship ends or changes."

When foster children are with me I love them with everything I've got, and when they leave, I grieve. Loss is a part of life - and I will not shy away from the joy just because I may also have to experience the other side.

[LollipopsAndGumdrops]

Originally Posted by c.a

I usually make a comparison to other losses I've experienced in my life. I say "We bring pets in to our lives, knowing that they are unlikely to outlive us - would you not adopt a dog because he is likely to only give you ten or twelve loving years and then leave you?" or "I wouldn't give up a minute with my grandmother just because she passed away." and "I don't discourage my children from having relationships just becaue they might suffer a loss when the relationship ends or changes."

When foster children are with me I love them with everything I've got, and when they leave, I grieve. Loss is a part of life - and I will not shy away from the joy just because I may also have to experience the other side.

This is the best answer I've seen!

You know that poem prayer that goes
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

When some people flippantly say they'd get too attached, I think it is an excuse. When others say it after having mentally put themselves in your shoes, I think that they mean that they have trouble "knowing the difference," are too likely to take on the troubles of others not as a sadness for them, but as their own personal plight. They are often called thin-skinned, vulnerable, or oversensitive. Pointing out their own weakness doesn't mean that they're calling you a brutish and uncaring monster. I think an answer like this one, c.a gives them a perspective, a context, and a respectful "deep thought" that they can take away without feeling hurt or put in their place, which the thin-skinned are going to be overly sensitive to anyway. I think it would have the most chance of actually inspiring positive change in the way they see fostering.

[c.a]

Thanks - Lollipops.

I give a similar answer when people tell me that they can't do it because it "would be too hard on their kids". I talk about my concern for my son (adopted from foster care) and how attached he is with our current foster child. I talk about how I don't stop him from having other relationships (with grandparents, pets, friends and family) just because I fear that he might suffer a loss.

He will suffer loss in his life. I can't sheild him from ever experiencing loss. I can embrace that in his life he will face loss - and I can use the process of foster care to teach him how to love and let go and grieve.

[SarahLaughed]

My SIL said this to me a week ago, and I replied that just because it will be hard for me to get attached, and let go - doesn't mean these kids don't deserve a safe place to live. She said, she never thought about it that way before, and started thinking about fostering herself.

[fredalina]

This is a very good point. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" and all that. Most relationships end (EVERY relationship ends if you factor in death), but it doesn't mean that teens and young adults (and other single adults) shouldn't date because they may break up. Losing love is one of life's lessons, and meanwhile the hurt children of our world are given a safe place where they, too, get to feel love.

[Lorraine123]

I will probably get flamed for this, but I think sometimes foster parents are overly sensitive. I did straight adoption because I didn't think I could do foster. Because "I would get too attached". That doesn't mean I think you are heartless, it doesn't mean that I don't care about children, it doesn't mean that I deserve a sarcastic response. It means that I know my limitations. I know that I would have a very difficult time supporting reunification. I know my children and I know that one of them would have a difficult time seeing other children come and go. Does that mean I'm selfish and unable to place a child's needs above my own? I don't think so. We all have our own gifts. I have severely emotionally disturbed children. Not everyone could parent them. I've been told by others that there is no way they could do it. That doesn't mean that others are heartless. It means that we all excel in different ways. I thank God that that is the case because the world needs us all.

[sparkle1908]

It really depends on WHO the person is that is making the comment/statement to you...I'm not going to be informative/kind with someone that I KNOW is being rude/nosy on purpose..

Some people (i.e strangers you talk with briefly) aren't really interested in a heartfelt thought provoking answer so I probably wouldn't really respond to them with much detail other than with a general type of answer...

Some people say things to get a "reaction" from you and also to dig into your business...those people will not get a nice, warm fuzzy answer from me..they will get a sarcastic one...while part of a fparents job is to educate (my opinion), there are some people who don't really CARE about the who/what/why of it all and trying to educate them is a waste of time...jmo

[sparkle1908]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

I will probably get flamed for this, but I think sometimes foster parents are overly sensitive. I did straight adoption because I didn't think I could do foster. Because "I would get too attached". That doesn't mean I think you are heartless, it doesn't mean that I don't care about children, it doesn't mean that I deserve a sarcastic response. It means that I know my limitations. I know that I would have a very difficult time supporting reunification. I know my children and I know that one of them would have a difficult time seeing other children come and go. Does that mean I'm selfish and unable to place a child's needs above my own? I don't think so. We all have our own gifts. I have severely emotionally disturbed children. Not everyone could parent them. I've been told by others that there is no way they could do it. That doesn't mean that others are heartless. It means that we all excel in different ways. I thank God that that is the case because the world needs us all.

Great post...ITA!!!!!!!!!

[Crissy011]

I definitely think it should be taking as a compliment....although the wording is wrong. I went the straight adoption route thinking "I'd get too attached." However, I never thought that you had to be someone who wouldn't get attached to do foster care. What I really meant was that I'd get too attached, and I didn't feel strong enough to handle that. I always have had tremendous respect for those people who are strong enough!!

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by sparkle1908

It really depends on WHO the person is that is making the comment/statement to you...I'm not going to be informative/kind with someone that I KNOW is being rude/nosy on purpose.

I'd agree with that, but add that unless I know the person in question pretty well, then I can't really say that I know they're being rude or nosy on purpose. Sometimes people are just gruff or abrupt, even if they're well meaning, so I'd rather respond to most things people say with the assumption that they don't mean to give offense.

[journeytolily]

Crissy011 - I could have written that! I realize now that my wording too, might have been offensive to someone, but like you, I was really just saying that I didn't think I would be strong enough to be any good at it! Or perhaps I just didn't want to deal with the sadness I knew it would cause me.

I have ALWAYS admired people who foster children - it really IS selfless!

[waited2long]

Originally Posted by Crissy011

I definitely think it should be taking as a compliment....although the wording is wrong. I went the straight adoption route thinking "I'd get too attached." However, I never thought that you had to be someone who wouldn't get attached to do foster care. What I really meant was that I'd get too attached, and I didn't feel strong enough to handle that. I always have had tremendous respect for those people who are strong enough!!

This was me as well. Since I had those thoughts I have learned alot more and changed my opinion of myself. For, that's what the comment is, an opinion of one's own strengths, not a critism of of others.