[MissTaken0809]

Sorry this is long!

My husband and I have no children of our own and just got our license a few weeks ago. We were wanting a baby and willing to take a sibling group if it included a baby. We got a call before our homestudy was even approved about a 9 year old boy (M), 2 year old girl (G) and a baby boy (J) not yet born. I said yes right away. Everything seemed just right and just like I had always dreamed. Like a sign from God that this was the right family to add to mine and my husbands family.

J was born on the 18th and we got to bring him home from the hospital. But come to find out, the older two had been placed in two seperate foster homes and have been there for 8 months. The foster parents of G want to be able to adopt her once the rights are terminated. (Dad is in prison and mom is in jail waiting to be sentenced. We've been told that they are trying to get rights terminated asap) But they don't want either one of the boys. CPS told them that she will be placed with us because we are willing to take all three. Well, the foster parents now have an attorney and are wanting to take it to court. They have even said that they will take J now.

I believe the only reason they are saying they want J is because they think it will allow them a better chance of keeping G. M has a different dad than J and G and they must think that keeping those two together will make a difference.

CPS is on our side and wants them placed with us to keep the three together. But they say it just depends on the judge. One might see it our way in keeping the three together and another might see that she has been with them for eight months now and is doing well.

We have said that we are willing to take J and M even if G ends up staying with her current FP's. I would love to have G, she is adorable and it would be great to keep them together. But J has been with us for two weeks now and of course I fell in love with him the second I saw him. Keeping him is the most important thing right now.

I understand where they are coming from, they have had her for eight months and love her like I love J. But they were told from the beginning that the three would need to be placed together and they don't want the boys.

The thing that makes it the hardest for me is I just found out not too long ago that they have a baby of their own that is just a few months old. I don't have any children. I know this must be hard for them but why would they try to take J from me?

[carlychan]

Wow, I am sorry you are going through this. At least you know about all of this from the beginning. I don't really have any advice, but can share my story. My 17 month old FS has a biosister who is 5 months old. When she came into care it was to me at around 3 weeks old. I had her 2 weeks and she was moved (I needed her moved for many reasons). I still have my FS and she is in a different home. We have a TPR hearing in a couple of months and then he will be my adoptive placement until finalization. I am all for sibs staying together. However, they can not keep moving kids around every time the parents have a new one. It would be entirely unfar for the oldest kids to keep moving everytime they want to "keep the family together" and the current homes can't take more babies. I am totally open to sibling contact (and actually really hope we have it). I guess my point is...it is possible for the kids to stay in different homes. It is really unfair to all of them to be shifted around so much. Since your baby is so young I would think they will be much more likely to move him than his sister. However, this may not be what happens. Good luck to you and your foster son.

[fredalina]

i think families should stay together, but i also think kids should be moved as little as possible because attachment issues are so serious, and sometimes the two don't go together. All we can hope for in this situation is that the right thing happens for these kids, which may be staying with the only family the toddler has ever known, or may be that the kids stay together and are adopted by you.

Also, and i mean no offense whatsoever, but your infertility vs. the other family having another baby shouldn't be any consideration. This is said by someone who is entering foster care herself because of infertility (we would have been foster parents later on if we could have bio children), so i understand the hurt and pain that goes with infertility. But this shouldn't be about you, or the other people, it should be about the kids first, foremost, and really exclusively. If you found out tomorrow that you were pregnant, it probably wouldn't affect your love for M or your desire to adopt the other kids, too, right? Two years from now you could have an infant (i don't know your IF issues, but just hypothetically) and M would be a toddler and you probably wouldn't want to see him leave your home to be placed in the home of an infertile couple just because you have "your own" baby. Right?

Anyway, good luck, and i hope this all works out in the kids' best interest!

[MPJJJ]

I think that if you're 'willing' to take in older siblings just so you can have a baby, you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. Every child should be equally loved and wanted, they deserve that.

[mommytoelmolover]

Have you discussed with the caseworker the possiblity of taking the oldest and keeping the youngest and setting up regular contact (maybe weekend visits) with the little girl? I would think if you can all reach an agreement together outside of court it would benefit the children.

[bethy724]

The other fp's aren't taking J from you - CPS is & vice versa - they must be wondering why YOU would take their baby girl from them when you aren't - CPS is. I would not take a child to keep another EVER - you are a good person & love your new baby - I'm not trying to insult you or the other fp's. CPS & preferably a family court judge should make the decision & stop jerking 2 foster families & 3 children around - it's disgusting. Sorry your going thru this. I'd ask the childrens attornys & child advocates to step in.

[stevenstwin]

I'm sorry you have gotten some negative feedback here - I don't think it is deserved. I don't know what is "right" in this situation - I guess I'd say to leave each child where they are. But from what I've seen, if I was a betting woman, I'd guess that they'll be placed where they can all three stay together. But I'm really wondering about the other boy - do his foster parents want to adopt him, or is he the only one that isn't desperately wanted for himself? And is there some reason for that - does he have some extensive special needs? In a perfect world it would be nice to see each child where they are already loved and wanted, instead of always having to sell them all as a package deal. I always have a soft spot for the "older" children who are often so hard to place, sometimes just because they aren't little anymore.

[jphollen]

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) I am sure this is a difficult time for all of you. Sorry your going through this.

Jen

[sgtfirstwife]

We received our foster son at birth. It was not until two weeks later that we learned that he had an older sibling. The older siblings foster family, who had him for over a year, did not want the baby. When we were told about the sibling, we were asked if we could take the older child. We told them that we would consider it. It was a very difficult decision, we had really only wanted one more child, but we kind of left it with fate. Then nine months later the other foster family decided they were tired of waiting for TPR, so they wanted to have him moved. We were asked. After much prayer we decided to take him in. I will be really honest I was not thrilled. I had taken in mostly infants and he was a toddler, but I felt in my heart it was the right thing to do. We were told at the time that it would also make the case more likely go to TPR faster (yeah right) and in all honesty this was part of our decision.
We had several issues at first, speech, eating, separation anxiety and whining. It was a really bumpy start. I had a very time difficult time bonding, but it is going better now.
My advice is if you do accept these children, realize that there will be issues. I can imagine how the other family feels having been on both sides of the fence.
On a side note, before I am flamed, I love my new little one as much as I love my other children. So in the end we made the right decision. Now if we can only get that darn TPR!!!

[mrstkg1]

To the OP be very careful about your feeling of ownership over this child. The parents are not even terminated yet, so absolutely anything can happen, and I mean anything. If CPS gets the sense that you have lost your objectivity regarding this child, they will often times use that against. Having said all that, I've been where you are and I know how hard it is not to completely fall in love with a newborn. I hope it all works out for the best.

[waited2long]

Gee... It seems like once the decision was made for you to take the children, the older kids should have been transitioned to your home, before the baby was even born. Oh, never mind, I just reread that you weren't licensed yet...

Why were the two older kids in seperate homes in the first place? That's how these sort of issues begin...

I can see why the toddler's FP's may have a chance at keeping the little girl. Eight months is a really long time to such a young child and moving her can be very traumatic. I don't blame them for wanting to keep her.

You were looking for a baby or sibling group that included a baby. Personally, I see nothing wrong with that, as you were and are willing to keep a sibling group together... What's so wrong with wanting a baby? It's not much different than saying you realy want a little girl, but would also love to have one that came with a brother or two...

Since you have the baby and it looks like you'll be getting the older brother... I think in this case I would just make sure that the SWs know that you still want all of the children and just hope for the best. Homes for 9 year olds are much more difficult to find than homes for infants & toddlers. Your willingness (wanting) to take the nine year old could really help your case. Even if at the end, the other FPs adopt the sister, you will have done a great thing in keeping the brothers together.

I'm not always great at getting my points or feelings across, so I hope that all makes sense.

Also, am I right in assuming you are a preadoptive home, not a basic Foster home? That makes a big difference in how you view these kids. For a preadoptive home, these were/are supposed to be your kids, at least I'm assuming that is what you were led to believe. And in that light, it seems that you should be upset about the possibility of not keeping the baby and/or not being able to adopt the sister....

I guess I'm just wishing you luck and hugs!

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by carlychan

I am all for sibs staying together. However, they can not keep moving kids around every time the parents have a new one. It would be entirely unfar for the oldest kids to keep moving every time they want to "keep the family together" and the current homes can't take more babies. I am totally open to sibling contact. I guess my point is...it is possible for the kids to stay in different homes. It is really unfair to all of them to be shifted around so much.

Carly, that is really well phrased. Putting the needs of the existing children ahead of a potential relationship with infant sibs/half-sibs who they don't even know seems the best, most reasonable solution.
OP, I understand your confusion and I am sorry you got criticized. I CAN see a difference between the othe FP saying "We will take an infant we don't even know so that we can keep the girl we love" and you saying "I want to keep the infant I love and I am okay with you keeping the little girl you love." They are both young and they have no previous relationship. Perhaps if CPS didn't turn it into a "bidding war" you and the other FP could have established an open relationship and kept the children in touch with each other. I wish you well.

[fredalina]

i hope my post didn't come across as being critical. i didn't mean to be at all! i just see both sides (keeping sibs together AND not moving kids around when attachments have been formed). i also just don't think that one couple's relative fertility compared to another's should play a role in which family is best for those individual children. i think if the other foster parents took on an attitude that the little girl wasn't as important now that they had a bio child, they would get criticized for that (and rightly so). In this case they love their bio child and their foster child and they don't want to lose the foster any more than they would want someone to take their bio child. i hope that makes sense! The most important thing is the best thing for the kids.

There's no excuse for CPS to pit one family against the other or to play bidding wars about it. They should care only about what's best for the kids, too. i hope that's how the case is determined in the end.

[sethsmommy]

Do you have the 9 yo yet? More than likely, this will be a huge undertaking for you---much more than you may anticipate. I say this because of his age and the list of potential issues he will have. We have a 4 yo and I feel we were right on the cusp of dealing with more if we had not gotten him when we did. Yet, we still deal with issues that were challenging at first. I just fear the idea of taking him so as to get a baby too. I am sorry---that is a red flag for me.

I understand the need for a baby. I think it is easier to bond with the babies and little ones. (the majority of the time.) It is taking me a little longer with the 4 yo as apposed to the 2 yo...but we are definitely moving in that direction. The idea of them being taken terrifies me now. I love these little boys!

This has so many aspects to it that there is not one right answer but these (and I am talking to cps) are not puppies--they are fragile little humans with a deep desire for stability.

Just think a long time about how you will bond and care for the 9 yo too. Each child is going to need you emotionally, physically, lovingly...............not just the babe.

I say this for caution----not to be mean! I know you are a kind person who wants a family!! But having gone through this foster/adopt process has made me really tender towards these kids...

[MissTaken0809]

Thank you to everyone for your input although I must say that some of the comments did hurt me quite a bit. I posted that as more of a vent than anything. I do care about the kids, all three of them. I do want what is best for them. I would love the nine year old just as much as baby J. My husband and I did desperately want a baby but that's not what I meant by saying that we would take a sibling group if there was a baby. Not saying we would only consider older kids if there was a baby. In fact, when we were in PRIDE classes, they passed around a book of children who were open for adoption. We immedietly saw a brother and sister that we fell in love with. They were aged 8 and 6. Of course, by the time all was said and done, they had been placed with another family.

As for the other foster family, I don't begrudge them because they have a bio-baby of their own. The reason I made that statement is because it hurt me to find that out. I have from the very beginning, even before we brough J home, said that I would take all three OR take J and nine year old M. I understand where they are coming from having G for all this time. The reason why it hurt me to find out they already had a baby was when I found out that they had come back and said that they would take J just to give them a better chance to keep G. I'm not trying to take their child, I was told about the three of them and said I would take all of them long before I was told of the issue of her FP's wanting to keep her. The first thing I said was that I would still take the two boys. I just couldn't comprehend why they would try to take him when I had never tried to take her from them. I can see how that might make it seem like I resent them for being able to have kids and I don't. I myself am not infertile. I am adopted and have always wanted to adopt my children. This is a choice my husband and I have made together.

I agree that moving kids around all the time like they are a game piece is detrimental to them. Again, the only reason I would move G is to have her with her brothers for once and all.

That being said, I have met both G and M and their respective FP's. They are all wonderful and no matter what was to happen, I would wish nothing but the best. As I was typing this, I recieved a call to say that the decision has been made and G will stay with her FP's and M will be transitioned to us. I know that we will be able to work out an agreement so that the boys can stay in contact with G. I am happy with this and can't wait to spend more time with M.

I hate it that any of my comments came across as anything about myself. I know that the children are the only thing that is important. But do realize that we are new not only to foster/adopt but also to parenting. All of our emotions are very raw and confusing.