[spicedmama]

So, my little one, (age 4), is starting to talk about being spanked. This is the 3rd day of her saying she does not want to go back to her initial abuser, (she was abused by more than one person/home and she has yet to even discuss the 2nd home and abuse she rec'd there). Tonight she said, again, that she did not want to go back there because "he spanked me and I told somebody and he spanked me again." It's heartbreaking, but I know that this is good for her. She needs to get it out and the sooner the better for her life.

So, my question, how did you handle it when your child first started to open up about their abuse?

[millie58]

Is your little one foster or adopted? I let mine talk about it. My oldest, who is now 14, talked about going hungry (I didn't think it happened). I empathize with them and I try to get them to empathize with the abuser. We're not there yet but we're getting there.

Originally Posted by spicedmama

So, my little one, (age 4), is starting to talk about being spanked. This is the 3rd day of her saying she does not want to go back to her initial abuser, (she was abused by more than one person/home and she has yet to even discuss the 2nd home and abuse she rec'd there). Tonight she said, again, that she did not want to go back there because "he spanked me and I told somebody and he spanked me again." It's heartbreaking, but I know that this is good for her. She needs to get it out and the sooner the better for her life.

So, my question, how did you handle it when your child first started to open up about their abuse?

[spicedmama]

She is Foster, (relative pre-adoptive). Prior to coming here she was in 4 homes in less than 2 years. Her last home was a blessing for her and for me, (as a family member). She was taken care of and loved.

[brighteyes810]

You could mirror back to her what she is saying or feeling. For example, "you don't like being spanked, do you?" (essentially that is what she seems to be telling you) If she seemed to be enjoying playing with a doll or toy, mirroring language would be something like, "you really like playing with that doll, don't you?".

You could speak to a counselor about this too, they may be able to help give you ideas about how to react. This was one way a counselor taught me to relate to our foster kids, and it seemed to help. The kids felt they were being heard and understood.

[AmyAnne]

I usually say something like "I am so sorry to hear that you got spanked. That must have been scary."

[chevyjewel]

I've only had one case dealing with physical abuse, and when the kids opened up to me about it I simply listened. Their stories were horrific and at times I'd openly cry as they were telling me of the torture, burning, cutting, whipping, twisting, kneeing, kicking etc. When the one was showing me her scars I got physically ill, I told them all why they did. They needed to know what was done to them was SO wrong after being told for so many years that it was their parents right to treat them that way, or that they deserved it because they were bad kids. I remember the first time I told them it wasn't ok they looked at me like I had three heads. That way of living was so engrained in their heads they didn't know of any other way.

That said though, I don't think spanking necessarily in and of itself is abuse, unless it's taken to the extreme and progresses into a out and out beating. I don't believe a few swats on the hind end for something extremely serious crosses that line but that's just me. We don't chose to parent our kids using corporal punishment and obviously it's not an option for our foster children either but I don't think that parents that spank are necessarily abusing their children when they do it. I certainly don't think children should be taken away from parents that chose to use corporal punishment within reason and while they are in control themselves. It's extreme in our eyes but so are parents that chose not to punish for bad behavior in any way.

I wouldn't discourage them from talking about it or undermine that child's experiences should one (especially as young as age 4 because of limited vocabularies) start to talk about them though. Spanking could mean something much more than a few swats in that child's mind. I read in a book once that abusive parents will often times use different words in front of the child to define the abuse in case they do tell someone about it. That way it comes across as less severe than it actually is. So a swat to the child might actually be a punch, or the parent might call what they did to their child a nudge when in fact it was a kick.


I'd just listen and try to get more information, all the while comforting them and telling them it was great that they could open up to you and trust you that way. With our older kiddos (as well as our own children) we told them secrets are lies, and neither should be allowed. Tell them to listen to their tummies, if it doesn't feel right then they need to tell someone. If someone tells them not to tell, or their tummies tell them not to tell their hearts need to be brave and they REALLY need to open up to someone that they trust.