[Hugsie]

After 2 and a half years of failed TTC, I find myself here. I am very excited about beginning this journey and the prospect of having a child/children to love and raise. However, I can't say that I am "over" our infertility or ever will be. In addition, I know that fostering to adopt is going to bring on a whole new set of issues for which I will undoubtedly need to reach out for support.

I am looking to connect with others who were unable to conceive their little miracle in their womb, but who are looking for or have conceived that miracle in their heart with a fostered child. If you can relate to my pain, anger, sadness, sarcasm, and hope please respond, and tell me your story.

[amy_b]

Oh my gosh, I am so glad that you started this thread. My husband and I were married in 2003, and stopped using BC right after we were married. We didn't start "actively" trying until summer of 2004. We didn't get pg after temping and tracking ovulation, so we went to a fertility specialist who did all the routine tests, inclunding a laparoscopy, which turned up nothing. We have "unexplained infertility". To be honest, while it was upsetting to not get pregnant month after month, adoption was a very easy decision for us. We did a lot of research of private adoption agencies, and at the same time, were licensing to foster/adopt. We ended up meeting our future daughter before we were even offically licensed, and we now have her, (2 yrs.) and another foster baby (9 months) who may become adoptable. We could not be happier. I can say with the utmost certainty that I could not possibly love a biological child more than I love these two. It just feels as though this was the road we were meant to travel. Just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from, but to tell you, that this is without a doubt, the best decision that we have ever made! Best of luck to you!

[gdaisy]

Can I join this thread also??? My husband and I have been married almost 7 years ( where does time go). Husband had to have a reversal (do to a previous marriage he had a vas. )We tried to concieve for 3 + years during that time we tried IUI's , medication, and then we went to start IVF. It was there that I found out that I had nodules in my uterus. After a biopsy it was discovered that I would have to either have a hysterectomy (Hysterectomy cured the cancer YEAH!!!! So this is what I choose) or have a procedure like D+C's for a year to mayber cure it. Anyway after all this we waited to adopt domestically for 2 years. And now are foster to adopt parents .. currently with 2 one year olds. So right now I have a 2 year old boy, FS 17 months , FD 13 months old. It is sooo fun. But IT IS A HARD ROAD. I too don't know if I will ever be over my infertility. But every time I look at my son or the two foster babies I realize I made the right decision.

So let me join this fun group... I look forward to sharing!!!

[fredalina]

Yes, indeed. i have severe endometriosis (Stage IV) and both tubes were closed. One tube was opened but with my history and DH's not so perfect sperm morphology (2% normal), we were given a very low chance of natural conception. IVF doesn't seem right for us.

i always wanted to foster and adopt. i really wanted a blended family, and DH and i decided before we were married that we would have 2 or so biological children and when they were a little older, like school age, we would start fostering. Infertility just sped that process up.

i was best friends with my DH when we were children, so i do mourn the loss of a child who looks and perhaps acts like we did as children, and that will probably never go away, but the decision to foster/adopt was a natural for us. We are looking at children 4-7, so that will be fun for us!

[Boulderbabe]

I think it gets better with time.

I tried four couple cycles of AI. It didn't pan out, and the clomid was making me a wreck. So, meh, I figured why keep throwing time and anguish and money on this, and I went off to do fost/adopt.

Some days I really wish I'd been able to experience a pregnancy. But hey, I also wish I'd been able to visit Morocco. And I wish them both with about the same intensity. It would have been nice to be able to be pregnant, but in the end, I have what really matters: My son, the light of my life, the person who means more to me than anybody on earth!

It's the child that's important, not the pregnancy. You'll probably always regret that you weren't pregnant, but when you have a child, you'll know that the pregnancy pales in importance to having a child in your life.

[Hugsie]

Thank you so much for your replies, and your stories. I am very sorry for the pain that each of you has gone through. I appreciate hearing from you as all of you have been where I am and have survived.

I do expect to love the child that is meant to be ours more than I can even imagine right now. However, I also know that I will miss not seeing my beloved's eyes and smile in our little one, and for sure I will grieve not being pregnant. Most of all however, I think I will grieve not being able to breast feed and build the mother child bond in that very special way. I'll deal with it once I do get my child, though.

I need to be honest, right now is a very difficult time for me with the holidays and my empty arms. I wish there was a way I could share this time with a child even if it wasn't my forever child, but we just started the process so no chance of that. Pity party, anyone?!

[amy_b]

Nothing wrong with a little pity party every once in awhile! Just remember, most likely by this time next year, you WILL have a little one to share the holidays with, even if it is just for a short while.

[blubutterflies03]

We originally 13 yrs ago did foster parenting after having "secondary infertility". Although my story is different I want to share it so you can see the richness and fulfillment of being a parent. We had 3 children by the time I was 24 and I had my tubes tied. Then decided when I was 30 we did want more children. Go figure!! I had my tube reversal and also did IUI's and 1 IVF cycle. I did get pregnant twice, but 2 miscarriages. Then 1 day a big billboard by my house that said "A family is something most of us take for granted, Foster or Adopt". And that was it. We did foster 1 child and ended up adopting her adding to our 3 daughters. Then we were thinking about doing foster parenting again before Katrina hit...my SIL knew we love kids so much, and called about a young girl getting ready to have a baby she wanted to place for adoption. And so we have my son finally. Well, we decided once his adoption was final, we would still indeed to foster parenting and originally were only going to foster 1 child, but are fostering 3 right now. As much hard work that it is to take care of 4 little ones right now, I would not have it any other way. They drive me crazy sometimes, but I love them so much!! God had planted the desire in our hearts to be parents and we have made the choice to foster. And if the door opens to adoption, we will certainly forever welcome any child that will have us as well. I hope your journey is fulfilling for you and the child or children.

[beccals2]

My husband and I have been trying since 09/06. I had two miscarriages in 2007 and have not been able to get pg since. We currently see a reproductive endocrinologist and have tried clomid, injectables, and IUIs. We have a meeting soon with the doc to decide if we want to continue to try. I have endo, fibroids, hormone issues, and recurrent polyps. I am physically and emotionally depleted. Our infertility coverage is maxed.

I always wanted to foster and my husband wanted to adopt. We thought these would happen when our bio children were older, but life has a way of changing your plans. I have no doubt that I will love any adopted children we are blessed with my entire being and heart. I do, however, feel sad that I will never experience a successful pregnancy or see what a child that is half genetically my husband and half me would look like. I long to see his dimples on my child's face. I just learned Friday that my recent cycle of injectables did not work yet again. I have been struggling since and realize I need to begin the grieving process.

I have only been fostering for a few months, but I have quickly learned that I can love a child and not think at all about whether they are related to us. Its a child pure and simple. Thats all it really comes down to.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

I am not sure if any of us is really "over" infertility. My DH and I always wanted lots of kids and early in our marriage even talked about adopting "someday". After 1 year of marriage we starting TTC, 20 months later I was pregnant and had a healthy pregnancy and delivered a baby girl 8 1/2 years ago. Since she took a while to conceive we started trying again when she was 18 months, I got pregnant right away, but miscarried at 12 weeks. We have now been TTC for 7 years. We have done very little infertility. We do not care how our family grows, but wanted a big family. After about 2 years of TTC after the miscarriage, we started the adoption process for an infant. After 2 years of waiting we switched to fost/adopt. 6 months after being approved we were placed with a sib set of 3, then 4 months later we got their younger brother too. We should be finalizing the first 3 in 2 months. We are still TTC and want one more child. But, if we adopt again, that is totally fine. It is hard to go through this, but it is good to know there are so many of us out there. I am grateful for the children I have been blessed with, however they come to me.

[Hugsie]

Thank you all for your replies. I do know that I will be very grateful for the children in my life, no matter how they come to me. But as HappyHopefulMommy said, I don't think I will ever be "over" our infertility.

beccals2, I am so sorry that your last cycle did not work. It is so sad and frustrating to find that out each time.

[fredalina]

Just for myself, i really have almost no desire to be pregnant. It isn't the pregnancy that i feel a loss for, it's seeing my husband in my child, since i knew him so closely when we were little. When we started Kindergarten, my mother stayed home but his mom started working again, ahd he went to after school day care and hated it. They arranged for him to come to my house after school every day, and we were best friends from that point on.

i know a biological child won't look just like him or even us, and may not act like him or even us, but i do mourn the fantasy of reliving our childhood just a little bit again.

[Hugsie]

Originally Posted by fredalina

Just for myself, i really have almost no desire to be pregnant. It isn't the pregnancy that i feel a loss for, it's seeing my husband in my child, since i knew him so closely when we were little. When we started Kindergarten, my mother stayed home but his mom started working again, ahd he went to after school day care and hated it. They arranged for him to come to my house after school every day, and we were best friends from that point on.

i know a biological child won't look just like him or even us, and may not act like him or even us, but i do mourn the fantasy of reliving our childhood just a little bit again.

That's a really sweet story of you and your husband being friends for so long. It's understandable that you are mourning the loss of seeing the two of you together in your biological child. No matter which part of having a biological child you feel you will miss out on, it is still a mourning process. (((hug)))

Hopefully when you do get your child, you will still be able to see some of each other in him/her through the actions and values you instill. Not the same I know, but still...

[fredalina]

Originally Posted by Hugsie

Hopefully when you do get your child, you will still be able to see some of each other in him/her through the actions and values you instill. Not the same I know, but still...

Yup, and that's what makes it all worthwhile.

[SarahBethsMommy]

I'm not the traditional infertile person, so I don't know if I really belong here, but I don't belong with the "no issues" people either. I think of myself as somewhat infertile.

DH and I got pregnant quickly after starting to try. However, I became severely pre-eclamptic at 6 months into my pregnancy and had my DD at only 27 weeks. She is ok now, but still has a few issues due to the prematurity. I feel extremely blessed to have her here at all.

We got pregnant again while on birth control. I passed the 27 week mark and we thought all would be good. Then I became pre-eclamptic again at 32 weeks. Went on bedrest, but I went severely downhill quickly at 33 weeks. By the time I got to the hospital, my DS had passed and was stillborn at 33 weeks. They don't think it was due to the pre-e, but they also don't know why he died. I almost died during both of those bouts of pre-e (kidneys and liver started to shut down).

No one recommends my getting pregnant again. Everyone expects if I do I have a high chance of at the least another preemie... at most me and my child dying. So, I don't know where I fit.

I have always wanted to foster/adopt. DH has not so much. After our DS passed, DH decided to look into foster/adoption. I hurt when I see very pregnant people who look happy and healthy. I still want that very much. I never really got to feel my babies kick me or anything because they were born so early. I feel jipped in a lot of ways out of that pregnancy I always wanted.

However, I feel EXTREMELY blessed to be a foster parent. I cannot wait to be able to adopt my little boy. It was a hard road to get here, and I surely wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I love where I am.