[blubutterflies03]

Today we picked up Baby B's 2 yr older brother who is in the rehab facility with the birthmom. The Mom has no access to get anything for herself or the 2 yr older and depends totally on someone from the outside to get her and the 2 yr older things he needs. We are doing visits with Baby B's brother every other weekend and he gets to stay over the whole weekend, yeah!! But she leaves me a note with a Walmart gift card (with unknown value on it) She ask me to buy her son socks, diapers and to buy her 3 packs of cigarettes!!! Now I would buy her and her son anything, but not cigarettes. I don't smoke, I am against smoking. What would you do??

[crystalp]

Now, I haven't had a placement yet, so I haven't dealt with bio parents, but I wouldn't buy the cigarettes. I would get the other stuff that the little guy needs, and then give back the gift card with however much is left.

[dmt710]

I would not purcahse the cigarettes. Cigarettes are not a nessecity. If she wants them she'll find another way to get them. Clearly she's had someone get them until now. Don't feel bad about doing what you know/think is right.

[Boulderbabe]

I'm a former smoker---I quit about seven years ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I think if she's in rehab, she needs to deal with one addiction at a time. So yeah. It's not good for her to smoke. But if she tries to quit drugs and quit smoking at the same time, she's bound to fail. There's no possible way a human being can do both those things at the same time. (And to quit anything and be a decent mother seems like a superhuman feat to me---I was a raging weeping demonic witch for about three weeks afterwards).

I don't know if you can bring yourself to buy them. But I think that doing so would help support her sobriety, at least for now.

[blubutterflies03]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

I'm a former smoker---I quit about seven years ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I think if she's in rehab, she needs to deal with one addiction at a time. So yeah. It's not good for her to smoke. But if she tries to quit drugs and quit smoking at the same time, she's bound to fail. There's no possible way a human being can do both those things at the same time. (And to quit anything and be a decent mother seems like a superhuman feat to me---I was a raging weeping demonic witch for about three weeks afterwards).

I don't know if you can bring yourself to buy them. But I think that doing so would help support her sobriety, at least for now.

I understand it is probably hard as heck to kick 2 addictions at once, but I have NEVER bought anyone a pack of cigarettes in my life. I don't think either me or my husband will be able to bring ourselves to buy her the cigarettes. There is a part of me that feels sorry for her and I don't know how I can justify though getting them for her.

[greenrobin]

If it bothers you that much, tell her how you feel and why.

Then let it go.

I'm willing to bet that cigarettes are available to her in the rehab, she just might not have the cash.

[CaddoRose]

I agree with BoulderBabe: I would buy her the cigs. I don't smoke, but I do understand the nature of addiction. Addicts don't recover, they replace one addiction for another(IMO). They may well be the thing that keeps her from turning to another drug.

[c.a]

I absolutely would not.

I am sympathetic to the issue of addiction and I quit a pack a day habit myself several years ago. You can support someone's recovery without endorsing another bad habit. I don't think that you need to push her to quit smoking, rather it is about your focus being on the child. I would simply say "I am happy to pick up anything for the kids, but I am really not comfortable picking up cigarettes. I hope someone else can get them for you, I will be sure to bring back the gift card if anything is on it."

Good luck.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by CaddoRose

I agree with BoulderBabe: I would buy her the cigs. I don't smoke, but I do understand the nature of addiction. Addicts don't recover, they replace one addiction for another (IMO). They may well be the thing that keeps her from turning to another drug.

Gotta disagree with you on this one. I've personally seen several members of my extended and immediate family recover from drug addiction and/or alcoholism. And I'm talking like 25 to 30 years in recovery. Is it easy? No, it's the hardest thing they ever did.

That "once a junkie, always a junkie" saying that has been around for so many years is a falsehood, IMHO. And it gives addicts an excuse to keep using or to relapse.

I agree with Boulderbabe about the cigarettes. It would be really difficult to kick both habits at once. On the other hand, I understand that the Betty Ford Center has always required its clients/patients to kick everything at once, including tobacco. Betty Ford was one tough cookie, lol...

[waited2long]

I don't see the problem with buying her the cigarettes, unless she's breastfeeding, I would get them. She's not asking you to get her something illegal or restricted in the rehab center.

I also used to smoke, but I quit very easily, after 26 years!! So, I don't really understand true addiction. I have met many people with many different addictions and can see how strong real addiction is, but never having felt that pull, I'll never truly understand. I just know that it must be very hard to stop and give major kudos to those who go through rehab! She's doing something very difficult, the cigarettes have a calming effect and can very likely help her break her other addiction(s).

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Gotta disagree with you on this one. I've personally seen several members of my extended and immediate family recover from drug addiction and/or alcoholism.

Really? And they're not addicted to anything else at all? I managed to quit smoking, but please, do not even talk to me about coffee. I swill it. Maybe twice as much as I drank when I was smoking. The doctor started lecturing me about it, and I'm like, "I've given up salt, I gave up smoking, but if you come near my coffee, you might get hurt!!!"

I quit seven years ago, but I still struggle with it. Maybe not every day now. But at least three or four times a week, I think, "dang, I would love to have a cigarette right now." It's going to be really hard when we move to Eastern Europe next month---everybody there smokes, and the smell makes me really want one. If the Surgeon General came out tomorrow and said, "Whoops, we were wrong, smoking is not bad for you," I'd have three cigarettes in my face before he finished the press conference.

I'm weak like that.

[melissa_bear003]

Personally, I wouldn't purchase anything at all.

No, not as a punishment or control issue, but after having worked in group homes I've seen situations come up where staff was asked to purchase x, y, z...and then all holy hades broke loose, with accusations of things not bought, the change being wrong (esp a concern when you have no idea how much $ is on the gift card) etc.

I just personally wouldn't do it due to the negative potential.

[waited2long]

Originally Posted by melissa_bear003

Personally, I wouldn't purchase anything at all.

No, not as a punishment or control issue, but after having worked in group homes I've seen situations come up where staff was asked to purchase x, y, z...and then all holy hades broke loose, with accusations of things not bought, the change being wrong (esp a concern when you have no idea how much $ is on the gift card) etc.

I just personally wouldn't do it due to the negative potential.

Now that is a good point...

Perhaps insist on a written list, written permission to use the card and written declaration of amount on card. Then, keep a copy of the receipt...

[mommytoEli]

i don't like confrontation irl...so i'd probably go to target and buy the things the son needs with my own money, and return the gift card and say i didn't get a chance to go the walmart. lol. but that is just me.

[potentialsinglemom]

I would not buy the cigarettes. Baby stuff...yes. I don't buy cigarettes so it would be convenient for me to forget