[jphollen]

My foster son had a visit tonight. It was a two hour visit and he had a four hour car ride. He had some home work that involved a time line of his life. His teacher was excited that he would be seeing his bmom tonight and hopeful that she may help him. Long story short told him not to bother with it and it didn't get done. (he got home at nine tonight, he lied about it and even if I could force him to do it I don't know the info to give him and think he deserves the natural consequence of a bad grade) Doesn't sound like a big deal right?

I have worked to try and convince this kid that school and homework are really important. It's important to try your best and make sure to get everything done. I really felt like I was making progress too
When he was home they took bmom to truancy court a few times one year he missed seventy days and the other like fifty. He was never made to do anything and always got the impression that school didn't matter it was just something you did until you were old enough to quit.

This kid's teacher says he has the potential to really be something. He unlike a lot of kids in care has no learning problems and is one of the smartest kids in his class.

One little thing actually undid a lot of work and coaching on my part. I know part of the problem is bmom and I aren't on the same page. I know she didn't mean to undermine me, but I am frustrated. Do I call his cw and mention it? Do I throw a fit (just kidding but thats what I want to do. Or just accept defeat? Cw tends to think I am complaining. Really when I "complain" it's concern but that's another post I guess. What should I do?

[ca-bigsister]

I would make sure that his grades are part of his court file and would certainly give copies of his grades to the CW to be given to the judge.

I would pick battles with the biomom. If he missed so much school, then she certainly doesn't care and will not care. Don't expect anything from her to change. If you do expect her to change into a "normal" person, you will go crazy. Accept that she can't or won' t care about his school and fight the battle from your end.

Trust me - you will go crazy if you put your normal expectation on people who can't or won't do that. I had so many problems expecting FD's biomom to do what most people would, but she didn't. I always took it personally. But now I don't because she can't/won't act like what I expect a parent to do.

FD used to miss more than 20 days of school a semester because there was no one to help her with homework and she had such anxiety from not doing homework. she also had all Ds and Fs. Now she has a 3.2 despite learning disabilities. Do not expect biomom to back you up on this. Help FS to find an outside activity that he loves, and that will help him to change his attitude towards school. It will take time, but can happen.

[jphollen]

your right Thanks! I needed a reality check I was just so frustrated last night.

Jen

[ca-bigsister]

You're welcome. Thanks for doing such a great job. I know it's so difficult to get the homework under control and for them to do it. We had battles after battles. What worked for me was - FD had a planner (calendar agenda). She had to write down the homework and get each teacher to sign it. If she did that, she got $5 a day at the end of the week. If she missed even one signature, then no money. Yes, I know that $25 a week is a lot of money but that's about one movie and a toy.

Because I then knew all of the homework assignments, I could get homework under control. She did nothing until homework was done. OMG - there were tantrums, etc. but I am a teacher and I would just sit there dong my grading until she was done. Of course, there would be little breaks after doing an assignment. And I would really try to reward the positive. Maybe every night he does his homework, he gets extra time for tv or whatever works for your family.

FD loves to sing so I have her in lessons, also dancing, too. Maybe find out what your son loves because putting that activity in really makes a difference. Although I never use singing lessons as a carrot. She gets to go no matter what.

[jphollen]

ca-bigsister,

He has a homework planner and the teacher and I sign it. However, because he doesn't have a 504 or IEP the teacher doesn't have to require he prove (he doesn't have to show the teacher) his work is done. Meaning he can check it off as done and not bring it home. I eventually find out about because the teacher indicates he has "late work." He has been getting much better lying less about homework and earning computer time as a reward. I just felt like we got set back last night. When bMom told him just not to do it, it undid so much of what I have been trying to instill in him. So frustrating! I know I shouldn't be surprised, it's just hard. He has such great potential.

I got him up at six this morning to study for his test and finish the life story time line the best we could. I expected him to refuse and throw a fit. He didn't, he sat there and put up with it. I wouldn't say it was a lot of effort but I will take what I can get.

I decided to pick my battles with the cw too. I like her but I get the impression that she would totally be ok with me just "babysitting" these kids. I guess I am just not content with providing the basics I feel like I should try and teach some life skills too!



JEN

[ca-bigsister]

You're doing a great job.

I'm sorry that the teacher is not more accommodating. If I had a concerned parent like you, I would bend over backwards. Where I teach in a low socioeconomic area with English Language Learners, most parents are not involved in their students' school lives. I wish they would be. Homework is not pushed to be important, and our students suffer because their literacy scores/abilities are so low. (Some seniors still don't know the difference between where and were, I'm and I'am, subject/verb agreement, i.e., they was, he were, he live in the neighborhood, and they expect to go to college).

In some homes, homework/school is not important and I feel like the town crier calling home, asking parents to get students to come to school, be here on time, etc.

Maybe if you speak with the child's counselor and have a meeting, that might help. At previous schools, we had a meeting called a student success team where students/parents/teachers/counselors and an administrator got together to discuss possibilities. Sometimes when the student sees the seriousness of all of his/her teachers taking time to be at a meeting, and being asked how the student can be helped, sometimes it helps them to get more serious, especially if it's not just the parent doing the questioning, offering solutions, etc.

Just a thought.