[excited2adoptsoon]

Anyone here have kids that visit bmom on a regular basis after adoption? I am trying to prepare myself if it comes to that as to what would be best for all parties involved. Birthmom told me that she visits 2 of her 8 kids every weekend! She said the adoptive mom drives an hour each way every Saturday to bring the kids there. The adoptive mom is not related and was randomly chosen by child services. This arrangement seems waaay too excessive for me. She also said she calls them every Friday night. And she's done this for years already. She relinquished (was about to lose rights) because of this agreement.

I would love to keep contact but what do you guys consider normal?

[Boulderbabe]

That sounds a bit much to me. I mean geez, I've got things to do on the weekend, and I make plans. I don't want to see ANYBODY every single weekend!

I don't think you need to agree to this.

[carlychan]

I think I would verify this before I believed it. It sounds WAY excessive. I think she may be trying to get more visitation out of you.

[irelady10]

My fs and I see his birthparents about every 3 weeks (they relinquished a few months ago and we're waiting for an adoption date). We agreed to visits, but the agreement is informal (my state doesn't have legal open adoptions). We meet for lunch at a neutral location (Wendy's, BK). So far, its worked out okay! Its been waaay less stressful on the baby to visit this way, rather than in the DYFS office. He screamed the entire time during those visits- now, he doesn't cry and will interact with his firstparents.

[EandDmom]

Originally Posted by carlychan

I think I would verify this before I believed it. It sounds WAY excessive. I think she may be trying to get more visitation out of you.

I was thinking the same thing I don't believe it.

[kxl164]

I've never heard of an arrangement like that, we only have personal experinece with two open adoptions and the most contact (with birthmom and adoptive mom who are very close) is only 2'x per month, but it works around the child's schedule and they live in the same town. The other is twice per year. Both open adoptions were through foster care, but are not recognized by the court, it is up to the parents to all decide how to proceed.

Every other open adoption I've heard about, meaning I don't know the people myself, I've heard of just pictures to twice a month visits, but never once a week plus phone calls. In the very close open adoption above, bithmom talks to adoptive mom all the time, they are now friends, but she doesn't always talk to the child... just when it would make sense to, as in the child wants to tell her soemthing or the birthmom wants to wish her a good night or something.

I would check up the truth of the claims re: visitation, it really sounds like too much.

[Kristin7]

I"m wondering the same thing...since I am now entering into this phase of the process. I am a relative fp and i have my sisters three daughters. Its not a civil relationship....she blames me for everything and is still very unhealthy.

Was thinking that maybe visits every other month would be good? and i might not even include the baby that really has no connection with her as mom at all.

Thoughts?

K

[kxl164]

Originally Posted by Kristin7

I"m wondering the same thing...since I am now entering into this phase of the process. I am a relative fp and i have my sisters three daughters. Its not a civil relationship....she blames me for everything and is still very unhealthy.

Was thinking that maybe visits every other month would be good? and i might not even include the baby that really has no connection with her as mom at all.

Thoughts?

K

This might be too much for them, but have you asked the girls what they want?

If I were in your shoes, I would wait a while, and then if the girls want to see her and she can be somewhat civil and positive with them, then allow a visit. I would just go with what feels right for them, as opposed to set times. Since you are considering not including the baby I am assuming (I may be wrong) that you are doing this for the girls and not for your sister, so I would just follow the girls lead and see what they need, if it is time then give them time with just you, if they need to be reassured she is OK, try a phone call and maybe a visit if it will be best for them.

You are in an even rougher spot because of your relationship with birthmom and the time in limbo the girls have spent. I would just follow their lead, which is lame advice, but its the best I have.

[dakotabluebaby]

question on semantics

who has the eight of her children?

I mean are they placed like 2 to a home?

because if she is saying she sees two of her eight kids does she mean on rotation? or that she sees just those two?

If its a rotation than once a month doesn't sound bad.

If its only those 2 then I think you are in the clear to figure out whats best for you. since their are 6 others...or does that adoptive mom rotate and come with 2 at a time if she has more than 2?


Sorry I just read what she said and I wondered what she really meant...

[Withay]

According to our Post Adoptive Visitation Agreement there will be 3 visits per year after the adoption is finalized. The first family will be required to contact me to set the dates/times up. I will supervise all visits and all will be in a public place of my choice.

The family can phone me 4 times per year, but not talk to my child, for updates and to schedule the next visit.

[Boulderbabe]

Kristin,

I think that until and unless your sister can guarantee that she's not going to be inappropriate in visits, there should be no visits. The girls need a break from her shenanigans (as do you), and your entire family needs time to accept that you are their mother, not your sister.

I know in the past you've posted that your mom has been really unsupportive of you, too. For the girls' sake, you've got to draw some lines in the sand about their behavior. Visits with birthfamily are important and wonderful, but ONLY if the bfamily can be appropriate.

[jphollen]

Kristen-

Are any of the girls in therapy? Just wondered if you could get the therapists recommendation on how difficult it maybe for some/all of the girls in each scenario. Starting a lot of contact after having none or next to none can stir up a lot of things emotionally and behaviorally. I am not advocating one way or another just saying be prepared if you do. One of my former kids had to start visits after FOUR years of no contact....yikes it was so not fun to live here for awhile

Jen

[Yash]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Kristin,

I think that until and unless your sister can guarantee that she's not going to be inappropriate in visits, there should be no visits. The girls need a break from her shenanigans (as do you), and your entire family needs time to accept that you are their mother, not your sister.

I know in the past you've posted that your mom has been really unsupportive of you, too. For the girls' sake, you've got to draw some lines in the sand about their behavior. Visits with birthfamily are important and wonderful, but ONLY if the bfamily can be appropriate.

Kristin, I completely agree with Boulder. The girls need a chance for you three to gel as a family. For them to know and believe you will always be there for them. You need time to be a family without any unsupportive people around and no CWs, GALs, and the lot...

[excited2adoptsoon]

Originally Posted by dakotabluebaby

question on semantics

who has the eight of her children?

I mean are they placed like 2 to a home?

because if she is saying she sees two of her eight kids does she mean on rotation? or that she sees just those two?

If its a rotation than once a month doesn't sound bad.

If its only those 2 then I think you are in the clear to figure out whats best for you. since their are 6 others...or does that adoptive mom rotate and come with 2 at a time if she has more than 2?


Sorry I just read what she said and I wondered what she really meant...

good question. the kids are split up. She doesn't see the other kids at all. Only one adoptive family allowed it and she claims it's every week.

I personally would be comfortable with calls once a month, a visit once or twice a year, and I'd be happy to send pictures and receive/send emails more frequently.

Another question, considering the baby is currently a newborn, as she grows up, what is appropriate to call her firstmom if we adopt her? Would she call her "mom"?

[Suziebearhugs]

I would agree to the minimum of what you think is appropriate for your family. If you develope a great relationship than you could choose to add more in later, but I'd hate for you to feel trapped into something that was just too much.

As far as what to call her. We just use first names for our childrens birth parents.

I have to agree that every weekend does sound a bit excessive. But on the other hand we have been meeting with our sons birth grandma every week. It works for us because we attend a free local library class each week anyways. It only lasts about an hour. We invited her to join us. It gives my son a time to sit on her lap and listen to stories and then to work on a craft togetther. She and I get along great and it also gives us a chance to talk and catch up. We can't always make it and neither can she, but we always call if one or the other can't be there. Sometimes we even go out to eat afterwards, depending on the day.

Having that set time helps take away the pressure and stress of having to plan out visits of when and what we will be doing.

It's possible the birthmom may have a close relationship like that with two of her children. If she does and it works for them than that's great. But your adoption is a different situation and you will have to decide what feels right for your family.