[thelowlanders]

Wow. My first attempt at church tonight in a while. Quickly reminded of how unfortunately inconvenient that is on many levels. But the biggie....I drop FD (aka-the Manipulator) off to her "class". I then head towards nursery w/baby and suddenly hear Horrifying screams coming from 3-4 yr old classroom. They are shutting the door as I make it there. Some kid is literally flipping. All the while, the master M is watching intently. Realizing all the attention the crazy one is getting. And the lack of respectable authority in the room. I'm wanting her out, but they say she's fine and not wanting to open and re-upset psycho kid. And I'm thinking...."NO really, let her OUT! I'm going to have to pay for this for the next month" **ugh**

So keep in mind she was potty trained w/in the first 2 weeks of us having her. She now refuses to ever ask to potty. She suddenly is "potty trained" when watched by others w/ a crowd of kids. Realizing the attention it gets. She is speaking horribly disrespectful to the teachers when I return. Which is complete opposite personality of what is shown or allowed at our home. When I quickly correct her, she does the whole "I'm so scared" look, and then REFUSES to ask her question respectfully to the teacher. And then the teacher proceeds to .....wait for it....... Give her positive reinforcement. Including saying "Well.... **I** enjoyed having you here, SO andSO, and **I **think you've been a good girl" and casts me a huge glare. Now little Manipulatar is grinning from ear to ear.

I know it's a vent. I really don't want to get burned. Just need to vent. And hear how some of you deal w/ being branded by your master manipulators as the Jerk parent whenever you go out. I'm simply being consistent, yet to many, she manipulates and I'm the big jerk.

Note: this is merely one of the MANY ploys. You know.... On purpose falling...Choking...etc. all the while, not looking to us for help like other kids. Nope...looking around at anyone who will give attention.

Ok...I feel better.

[AmyAnne]

God preserve us from the people who have GOOD, but misguided intentions....

[thelowlanders]

Haha

That actually helps. I think I'll go to sleep now with that insightful thought. thanks

[Pursuingmydream]

I took the kids to a visit with their bio family at the CPS office. Little Boy decides to run off into one of the back rooms. I catch him and hold him in my lap. When people walk by he screams out "Help ME".
I was so embarassed. Luckily one of the SW saw what he was doing and when he asked her to 'Help Him" she laughed and told him that she was not going to do it.
But the other people standing around were looking at me like I was the bad mother.

[meshsgrl]

Try it with THREE kids who are master manipulators!!!!! My oldest will do the "help me" routine. M is the worst... she is a adorable, talkative little girl, and she makes friends everywhere she goes, but look out if I dare tell her she has to do something!! I had family here a couple weeks ago and she was in her finest mood... making me look like the horrible mother!!! I sent out the letter on RAD to the rest of my family, which helped them see that I wasn't just being mean!!
But my kids get consquences when we get home for disrespectful bad behavior in public. They know by now that they might not get consquences at the moment.... but you just wait till we get home!!! LOL

[forever14230]

I think part of it is the age. I have a three-year-old and he throws a massive tantrum if I dare to correct him about anything. He's also really well behaved in school, but seems to act out when he wants attention from me. Have you ever tried a "time in" instead of a "time out" when disciplining her?

[Biblemom]

It is soooo hard to have children with RAD. They are perfect angels in public. When I sent letters to family/friends/teachers explaining the does and don'ts, they all thought I was nuts. Even after explaining it to them, people just don't get it until they have to live it. I am at the point that I am trying to get an IEP for the oldest at preschool just so that the teachers have to follow guidlines set by our therapist!

[chevyjewel]

Two of my two year olds have done the whole pretend falling thing. Or they'd literally smack themselves in the face, head, legs or where ever else is convenient, right in front of vistors, friends and family in an attempt to garner attention.

Most would either respond with a look to me that I interpreted personally and that was tough, or they'd run to the child, actually believing it was an accident and coddle them.

I had to buck up and get firm with everyone around them. I couldn't let how I felt I was being judged for that behavior get in the way of dealing with it and at times would have get rude insisting people absolutely do NOT respond to the behaviors. Some of my family said I was being hard on the kiddo by not going to them when they "obviously need me" but it was on the advice of an attachment specialist that I didn't acknowledge the behavior at all.



I'm not sure if it would help to explain to that classroom teacher before you leave her there, what she's doing and why she can't be responded to in those ways but I think it would be worth a try. If it doesn't help, and the teacher refuses to acknowledge what's really going on I wouldn't bring the child back. It'll just reinforce what she's doing. Crummy for sure because then you're not getting to go to your church but gosh, I wouldn't know what else to do.

[CaddoRose]

I think we all have the same child! Mine, who will be 3 in Feb, is also an master manipulator. When she came here she could say 3 words-no, move and mama. So in order to get something she would whine and cry and point. It worked before, but not with us. She had to attempt to say a word to get something. We would pick up an object and say cup, or toy, etc. She kept trying the whining, but it never worked with us.

So when friends or family would be over,the whining would start right away. Hands in the air to be picked up, and on and on. We would have to stop people from giving in and make her say a word. OMG the looks we would get. "But she's a foster child, how can you be so cruel"?"She just wants to be loved".

Whatever. She wanted her way and we didn't give it to her. At Parent's Day Out one day she decided that she didn't want to walk out of the building, so she sat in the floor and screamed bloody murder. It wasn't that she wouldn't walk, it was that she threw a fit instead of asking to be picked up. I had to keep explaining to other parents that she was a foster child and for me to pick her up would to be reinforcing very bad behavior. Yeah, I'm thinking they thought I was Satan. I made her walk by holding on to her hands and walking her. She was not amused, but there was no way on this earth I was giving in on that one.

My pat answer for whining, crying or anything other than politely asking is "you get nothing when you CHOOSE to do that". Then I walk away.

Every visit with parents is like watching a rewind on a movie. She doesn't talk to them, but just whines and cries and pretends to be a baby because they don't know any better and she can get away with it. As soon as she's out of the visit she will try it with me or the CW and we just look at her like she's crazy. She knows exactly what she's doing. I call her the great scam artist.

[jphollen]

Oh she's good! I hate the "look" too!

[kxl164]

Fun isn't it. Nothing like knowing you are doing the right thing, but questioning yourself all at the same time because the child is more aware of a situation than another adult, and the smile..... ahhh, the infuriating, sickeningly, sweet, FALSE smile of "I've won" from a 3yo really irks me too.

I just love intelligent all of our children are!!!

My 3 and 4yo's can do this, everyone has sort of "caught on" to the 4yo, but the 3yo just started getting "good" at it, and we are back to being the "bad parents" to this sweet child. Don't get me wrong, he is sweet (he is wonderful actuallly) about 90% of the time, 5% of the time is is normal 3yo stuff, the last 5% is when the attachment stuff comes out and my goodness how much of an effect that 5% has on the rest of our lives.

So, I feel your pain, it'll get better, but it is not fun.

[ocracoke]

I have to say that if one of my daughter's teachers was doing what she did to you in from of your FD I would be pulling my daughter out so fast. I work hard for consistency with my daughter or she manipulate everyone. It sounds like you do too. If this woman can't respect you as the authority in this girls life then she doesn't get to interact with your FD. I wouldn't tolerate it.

Samantha

[thelowlanders]

Wow! This really helps to know I'm not alone. And maybe....I don't have it as hard as I thought. You all have alot of patience!

CRose- I see alot of that from people. It's like they want to treat them like a pound puppy or something. I kinda feel like referring them to the dog whisperer I learn so many things about parenting by what I've learned w/my three dogs. haha As Cesar would say "Calm assertive leadership" is the key. And before we love on our new furry friend, there needs to be building the bond of pack leader, then discipline, Then...Loving on them.

This may sound bizarre, but w/this little one. I feel like it's necessary to do this. If we're just super nice no matter what, I swear, she gets 10 times worse. So it's Authority, discipline and training, and positive reinforcement and love w/appropriate behavior.

Oh...here's another one. Do yours do this?

She will be in a "bring it on mood". Stubborn, won't look at me or acknowledge me when spoken too, etc. But....when we have a visitor from DHS, CASA, etc. or go to places, She suddenly is lovey, touchy, lots of "I love you Mwoms" , to me. I'm thinking, 2 seconds ago you were behaving like a little "terd". What is this behavior? Then the second we get back in the car, it's "on". She's so confusing.

Just saw the other post! You get "the smile" too?!?! ugh! I'm really having to work Very ,very hard to not let it get to me. It's funny how we've dealt w/the "puddling, painting", scream fests, distructiveness, etc. But nothing makes me think "Why are you still here?" like the evil grin from the Master 3 year old.

[forever14230]

My little boy will act out and then immediately come over for me to hug him. It's like he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. He's usually a good kid though-- just doesn't like to be corrected for any reason.

[rottymom]

Originally Posted by ocracoke

I have to say that if one of my daughter's teachers was doing what she did to you in from of your FD I would be pulling my daughter out so fast. I work hard for consistency with my daughter or she manipulate everyone. It sounds like you do too. If this woman can't respect you as the authority in this girls life then she doesn't get to interact with your FD. I wouldn't tolerate it.

Samantha

...what she said, really it makes us look weird when we have to drag our kid with us everywhere but I can't have other people undermining my authority and letting daughter's behavior slid.