[thelowlanders]

The complaints are still coming in. We have tried to refer all questions, complaints, concerns...to the case worker. Not to go through us. But the visit coordinators just seem to get offended when I won't answer and nicely refer them to caseworker.

I'm sure it's the pregnancy(and being female in general) but...It's really hard to not be annoyed. I'm taking excellent care of her little one. And of course a "thanks" would be nice. But it's always a complaint. But I know....it's not against me right? She's searching for control because she lost her baby right?

Just questioning about every little mark (he's 11 mo and learning to be active, so of course bumps along the way) seems a bit inappropriate considering what he went through at her home. Just my thoughts for today. How do you do it? Is it just learned w/time in fostering?

[Newshyde]

It's learned. I had a super long conversation with my CW about complaints against me this morning. One month ago the conversation would have ended with me raging around the house all upset and such because the BD really does drive me crazy.
This time, I took what were valid complaints or issues to heart and let the rest just roll off. I have too much to do and need to put my energy into other things.
Also, my CW told the visiting supervisors to forward all complaints to her first and not to call me. That has really helped.
Good Luck.
Heidi

[jllambert]

Most of the time it REALLY is not about you! They are trying to impress the people watching the visits and the powers that be and they think the best way to do that is pick apart everything the foster family does. I even think deep down a lot of families know the children are being taken care of better then when they had them, and that makes them even more insecure. The CW usually take most of these things for what they are "nit picking" unless they also see things that concern them!
We once had a mom flip out over mosquito bites (her son would scratch them into sores ) she said she thought we were buring him or something. The cw was so mad at mom because everyone knew it was moquito bites and that most of them he came to us already having, and mom was making a huge deal out of it! Taking pictures and getting her attorney on the phone. In the end they made mom apologize to us and the Cw said how sorry she was that we had to deal with the family about a million times! I have parents that clean the babies ears at every visit and if there is anything even a speck they show the visit monitor (she just laughs about it with me later). They really are just trying to make themselves look like great parents and make foster care (not really the foster parent) look bad! Try not to take it to heart! If you are doing everything you can for the lil one, and you know he is clean, healthy, well feed, and safe then don't worry!
At least all Birth families are not as hard to deal with! Hang in there!!

[thelowlanders]

Ok, so it's like all the feeding they tend to do at visits. They think being picky too, is showing they care and are good parents? I can go with that.

[hesabanana]

I was the one with the "it's not about you" advice. It SO isn't. She is overcompensating. She wants to look like a better mom than you are. Hang in there.

[Boulderbabe]

It's not about you. It is REALLY not about you. Seriously--not about you.

I don't think you ever totally blow it off. Those kinds of things really hurt---here you are, busting your rear to take care of these kids, and you are getting picked at! But after a while, it's sort of background noise.

After a few years in foster care, I'm learning to place things on a 1-10 scale. And what's amazing, is that the degree of awfulness that rates a 10 is getting pushed WAAAY out. Stuff like the snipes from bparents? Used to be an 8. Now is a 3.

I hope your 8s become 3s soon. :-)

[sergekel]

Is there any feasable way for you to dodge contact with the bio parents?

Can the cw drop off/pick up childreen or can you drop them off a few minutes early then scoot out before the bios get there and then have a cw bring the kids outside to you or to the back door or something on the way out?

In other words, do you HAVE to deal with them?

It must be confusing for children to hear bparents badmouth the nice foster family that has been taking care of them.

What does the CW say? Seems if we as foster parents bad-mouthed and nit-picked the parents in the same way, we'd be torn to shreds.

I understand we're supposed to empathize with the parents and all because they have such difficult situations and all, but do we have to subject ourselves to their abuse? Doesn't seem right to me.

[jphollen]

This my inspire me to write a new thread about my crappy day but...today the complaint was I will not buy Popsicles for her children. Fs is 10, he told his bmom I wouldn't buy him popsicles for his sore throat. She says I get paid enough to buy them what they want. Now I am not even going to touch that, but the reason her son Mr. Symptoms did not get his frozen treat may have something to do with the fact that so far this week he has had many sore throats, four head aches, two ear aches, several stomach aches a sore knee and probably a partridge in a pear tree. I told his case worker he is going to have liver issues from all the tylenol he is getting, but on the upside the calcium in the tums he is getting are making his bones really strong!

I have an appointment with the doctor and the therapist I am legitimately worried this kid is going to get sick and I am not going to believe it. His case worker said thats just a good natural consequence for him. I am still worried about it.

I know it's not about us. I know his bmom just wants some measure of control of her kids life. Most days I have blown off much worse than this but today I am grouchy. He had a stomach ache at 2am and then asked for a bacon and egg sandwich at 4am....shoulda got him a popsicle eh?

[bluebird38]

We are currently having the same sort of issue with our fc bio. It seems like ever since she found out that the goal has changed to adoption (at least on paper) she finds something at every visit to pick apart. She thought that the gloves I had on fd were too big so she gave her new ones. Then she wanted to know why they were always sick. And now it's what's that scratch from, is that a burn mark, how did that happen? Blah, blah, blah. There are times that it really irks me but I'm also trying to tell myself to just ignore it. I know she's just trying to look like a good Mom for the visit supervisor. We just have to let the majority of it go. Otherwise it will just drive us all crazy!

[Mystik]

What drives me the most crazy is when it's the person supervising the visits who makes a big issue out of all these little things and gets the bios all worked up when they otherwise couldn't of cared less! I seriously had this one case aid/supervisor who for the first year or so that we had *A* would gripe every time I didn't send a blanket (even when it's 78 degrees out), or why didn't I send her with shoes? (when she couldn't walk), etc. etc.... Puleeeeease!

[forever14230]

It's not about you. You had it right from the start, b'mom is trying to regain some control and is trying to make you look bad in the process. Just hold your ground and keep doing what you're doing.

[onhazier]

We're in there with you, thelowlanders. We've only had 2 visits so far and Mom has sent a list of instructions she expects us to follow, including how she wants the diaper bag packed. I had to chuckle to the CW when she told me that. I assured her that I'm an experienced mom and know what I need in my diaper bag for any foray into the world. She is trying to control things in any way she can.

Remember, the children were removed from them for a reason. They have to work to get the kids back. They're going to do anything they believe will demonstrate they are good parents. Know that the complaints would be issued regardless of who the foster parents are and what they're doing.

So, if you're meeting the child's needs, keep up the good work!

[thelowlanders]

Always good to know I'm not alone.

The shoe thing cracks me up We get that too. Umm...he's a baby. He doesn't walk. And won't be any time soon thanks to all the previous neglect, allthough he's almost 1 year old. So, I get to deal w/ 12 yr old sisters remarks in parking lot before visits. "Why's he in pajamas???" "Where's his shoes???" "Why's he not dressed???" Well, sweety, he's a Baby, and learning to crawl and move. He needs to be comfy. He's dressed, he's in baby clothes.

[craftingmama]

well though, to be honest on the clothing thing, I always dressed my babies in real clothes and do for my foster kids as well.

[makarios79]

Originally Posted by jphollen

I have an appointment with the doctor and the therapist I am legitimately worried this kid is going to get sick and I am not going to believe it. His case worker said thats just a good natural consequence for him. I am still worried about it.

I am sorta at that point with my oldest son.

Something is ALWAYS wrong with him (let him tell it)

In the beginning, I would go running to get every kind of medicine in the store and back and forth to the Dr. only for them to run a million tests to tell me there is nothing wrong with him and for him to later admit he was making it up.

Now, (and it's kind of sad that it has to come to this) but when he tells doesn't feel good, I start checking temperature, poop, urine, rashes, bumps, everything.....before I go rushing to the Dr. /ER ....

It was/is an attention seeking thing for him. He likes ALL ATTENTION ON HIM AT ALL TIMES..He's has gotten much better about sharing his mommy. But he still is an attention hog....

I took him to the Dr. this morning for shots and a physical. Other than the obvious pain of the shots... He was in heaven..especially since he got to spend all morning alone with mommy and he got Mickey D's and D didn't.....(which he made sure that he pointed out when he got back to the daycare)

I definitely named him the right thing...His name means "Son of thy right hand" and he is most definitely the son of my right hand....Awww.. I love my son!