[chevyjewel]

when you realize that the best you can do isn't good enough to make a difference?

We've had Rebel and Diva for more than six months now. Their mom has made little to no progress in any direction and we have so little doubt that they'll ever be reunified with her. Their issues are abundant, the more serious ones surrounding hoarding/foraging and acting out in anger and frustration. We thought with enough love and consistancy we could pull them out of some of that. We had the resources and got them all the help we could. I've spent all day, every day with them since the day they got here with the exception of one respite weekend when we were up deer hunting (the only time we've had alone as a couple since they got here - two days). We've long surpassed our physical and emotional limits.

Our two young children are over the screaming, and the tantrums and the fact that mom and dad have absolutely no time for them because they're always busy with the little ones.

So today, we asked to have them moved, doesn't have to be today but sometime in the near future. I know where they'll be going, and it's not going to be better there. The couple already has quite a few children themselves and I don't think less attention is going to help the kids with any of their issues. That said, I just can't do it anymore myself.

My husband has reminded me several times that these aren't our kids and we didn't make them this way but I still feel responsible for them. I feel like a failure for giving up on them but I also feel like I've done everything I know how to do. It depresses me to think I didn't even make a dent in all of our efforts.

Please tell me I'm not alone, that others here have blamed themselves for not being able to do more too

I have no clue how to move past those feelings, they're eating me up inside.

[makarios79]

I just wanted to give you ((HUGS))

I had 2 kids moved, and I felt guilty about it, but I know it was the right decision in the long run. They are thriving in their new home!

No advice just a little encouragement.

[FullQuiverMamma]

uh yes... parenting kids who were not loved is very hard and yes it is depressing, but take comfort that they were blessed by their time with you. (((hugs)))

[jphollen]

Yes. When I had former fd (who is now in residential) I felt that way. Her issues were food focused, extreme amount of acting out sexually, tantrums... I thought love, consistency, therapy and things like that would help heal her. When after almost a year they didn't it really wore on me deeply, and some days it still does. I think the only difference I have made in her life is to let her know sometimes no matter what some people don't leave. (we visit and do phone calls). We still have a letter of intent with her but I doubt she will be considered able to thrive in a home environment for years.

Don't be hard on yourself. You are an excellent parent.

[jllambert]

Been there...felt that! In fact I have siblings that I go back and forth on having them moved often! They both have major medical needs and somedays I just feel like it is to much! Then I change my mind and feel like I can hang in there a little longer (in this case I know that are looking for an adoptive placement for them and that they will move sooner or later)! Don't feel guilty I think you are doing what is right for your family! You never know this might be what had to happen to move them towards their right and perfect home!!
HUGS!!!

[chickymum]

I had to give up on one completely and although I will never be removing the other one I sometimes wonder if we are moving forward at all, ever. 5 years and right now we are not at a good place. I know how you feel. It is so hard.

[greenrobin]

Chevy, I don't know how old the kids are, but your dh is right. You did not make them this way. And, believe it or not, 6 months really isn't that long. It only feels like it.

Yes, it can be depressing if you allow yourself to believe that nothing you did matters. What my dh always says when things go south with a placement is that at least we were able to show the kids that there is another way. It may not have shown, but they noticed.

to you.

[chevyjewel]

Thank you for all your kind words. They mean so much to me coming from people that obviously have felt exactly what I'm feeling (or currently are - chickymum, you'll be in my prayers).

I haven't felt this awful since we lost our very first babies, and that was out of our control. Having made the decision ourselves seems to make it sting more.

I think I've bonded with them more than I previously recognized and that's why letting go is going to be tougher than I anticipated. I can't quit crying for criminey's sake! I know I love them, but perhaps until now I didn't realize how much I loved them. I just wish love was enough to give them the life they deserve and the help they need to overcome all their obstacles. I hate to think I just wasn't good enough and do pray I'm wrong about how things will be where they'll ultimately end up. I want more than anything for them to just be happy kids.

[chevyjewel]

greenrobin - Diva was just 6 months old when she came to us. Her brother little more than a year and a half.

I hate to even admit that because I fear judgement. My family although usually very supportive, is always asking how bad could a 1 and 2 year old really be? It's only recently, with us spending all of Thanksgiving day and then that following weekend with them that they've seen how truely hurt babies can be by what they've been through, and how tough it can be to care for them as a result.

Since then all I've gotten is why are you doing this to yourself - ugh. Comments like that aren't terribly helpful when I'm already wondering that myself at times!



I don't know. This morning was just my breaking point. A lot of people don't believe a baby Diva's age can tantrum with intent. Bologna. I couldn't put her down on the waiting room floor this morning during Rebel's speech therapy appointment because people were dragging in snow and it was all wet. Despite my best efforts, at one point she got so angry about the lack of freedom she turned towards me, screached and then proceeded to lash out and claw my eye. Temporarily blinded she then reached out and ripped out a CLUMP of my hair. Then she threw herself on the floor and I thought for sure we'd be on our way to the ER for a head lac. I actually contemplated requesting a helmet for her because her favorite thing to do when she's mad (which is nearly all the time) is to whack her head forward or backward out of anger. To date we've avoided serious injury but it still terrifies me when she does it - which at the least is 20+ times a day.

I'm still half blind, with blurry vision in my left eye. Driving home on slippery roads was, hmm, interesting and terrifying at the same time would be an accurate description. If it doesn't resolve by the end of the day I'll have to go in tomorrow and see if she did any damage to my cornea.

If that wasn't bad enough, when Rebel came out, we went to grab his coat off the rack and he saw someone's half eaten sandwich in a nearby trash can. You can only imagine what ensued when I denied him the leftovers. I'm sure we were quite a sight, me half blind and squinting, Rebel pitching the mother of all tantrums lunging and nearly pulling the trash can over to get to the sandwich as if he hasn't been fed for days, hair a pulled out mess, baby still trying to beat me up and my two following behind, but not too closely, likely in an attempt to not be associated with the drama.

It sort of makes me laugh now to imagine what others waiting there were thinking, but then there's another part of me that wonders what the heck is wrong with me and why on earth I continue to put myself in that position in the first place

[jphollen]

Chevy-

I don't know about everyone else but I get a lot of that, "well you asked for it" feedback from family members. I probably do more venting on this board then I should but this is my only source of it. I can make the smallest comment and get a "well you asked for it!" Yesterday fd had shots, my mom called to ask how my day was and I stepped right in it. I said, the baby is grumpy, those shots must have really done a number on her. My mother (god love her) in all of her wisdom says, "Well, you asked for it!"

Not only do I fear being judged, I hate the lack of empathy too!

(((HUGS)))

[jen0ue]

You continue to put yourself in that postion because you care; because you are one of the special few that fight for the kids that can't fight for themselves. And you shouldn't beat yourself up for that! It is wise of you to recognize your limits. You won't be able to help anyone if you are beyond your limits emotionally and physically and if you are stressed about your other two kids. Your dh is right. There is only so much you can do. Pray for yourself and these kids too. Place them in God's hands. He gave them to you for awhile and the love and consistency you gave made a huge impact, even if you can't see it now. Trust that He will make a way for them and for whoever it is that takes care of them next. He may intervene and send them somewhere else, or perhaps they are ready for a little less attention and really will thrive there. You are doing amazing things! I am on here because of a kinship case, and am constantly in awe of all of ya'lls stories and hardships. You are doing what many can not; be proud and have faith!!!

[Sam-N-Tony]

(((HUGS)))))

Been there, done that and going through it AGAIN. For the 2nd time, I have had to request another child to be moved. I thought I would try another "older" child, Mr. Peabody is 6 and my previous was Mr. Investigator (7).

He has major major issues stealing, lieing, tantruming, you name it. They are doing a therapeutic staffing, to get him moved.

I know how you feel. It hurts and its depressing. You go through could I have done it longer or what could I have done differently. The answer is always the same, no you cannot continue at that pace and you couldn't of done anything different.

Trust me I know how some of the small kids can be. I had a 10 month screamer and tantrumer. My Mom said how bad could he be, until I left him with her for 2 hours. She quickly changed her tune.

But I too would have loved to be a fly on the wall at the speech place.

[CaddoRose]

OMG Chevy!

I can't hardly imagine handling one of those children let alone both at the same time. Don't beat yourself up about not having "fixed" them while they were with you. You have probably done tremendous things for them along their road to recovery, but right now you might not be able to see that. The damage they have experienced will take years to overcome, and for a short time along that road, they had a loving, caring foster parent who did the very best for them. It's ok that they need to move on and you shouldn't feel responsible for where they go next. That is somebody else's job. I applaud you in every way I can.

[sergekel]

Can the baby be RAD at that age??

[chevyjewel]

Originally Posted by sergekel

Can the baby be RAD at that age??

I have no idea, but it's a good question. She certainly hasn't had any evaluation for any attachment disorders while she's been with us.

I do know when she came to us initially in the beginning of June it was a voluntary placement because mom didn't feel bonded to her at all. She was planning on giving her up for adoption because although she cared for her she didn't feel like much of a mom to her. A couple of days later mom took both the kids back and it wasn't until a welfare check revealed some other issues at the end of the month that the children were removed for protection issues. They've been with us since.

Although I'm quite sure she did the best she could there was evidence of the lack of a bond in the beginning. Diva didn't look people in the eyes, or like to be held (neither child did and Rebel still recoils at our touch, it took him several months for him to even allow us to tuck him into bed or give him a hug). Even while eating she held her own bottles and her body stayed stiff. It took a solid two months of rocking and holding her through each bottle feeding for her to finally start to relax a bit and let me feed her.

She does seem to have bonded to us in the sense that she looks to us when she's scared or hurt. She also has some sense that we're her primary caregivers as she hesitates and sometimes flat out refuses to let other friends and family hold her. She'll cling to us and for instance, when she started doing visits with her dad, she'd get pretty upset when I had to leave her. She now enjoys when I brush her hair, and pay attention to her, where as before she seemed to be in her own little world not really connecting to anyone.


I'm not sure exactly what's up with her but she's always seemed on the extreme side when it comes to her emotions. She can't self comfort at all and just as her anger can quickly spiral out of control so can her saddness. When she cries she just SOBS, and it's terribly hard to calm her once she gets started. Car rides are the worst because of that. I think she's also go some sort of sensory issues (that I've brought up to her pediatrician, who's refused to lend creedence to ANYthing I've told her I'm concerned about - whole nother story). We have to keep her fully clothed at all times or she'll claw at her skin, usually on her thighs or sides of her belly. We thought it was allergies but allergy testing yielded no answers. During bath times I have to put wash clothes over her hands held by scrunchies because she'll claw herself raw and bloody, she literally becomes frenzied as soon as she hits the water. I keep her nails super short but she digs so hard she still leaves marks if they're not covered.

Again, I sure appreciate all the support guys, and the attempt to help me sort this all out. I wish I would have opened up about more of this sooner. I remember mentioning Rebel's poo painting but aside from that I've kept everything inside just doing my best to deal day by day. It feels so good to get all this out. It helps me realize exactly why it's ok to be done. I've been trivializing what it's been like, but now that I'm recounting what we've been through with these kiddos in this thread I'm seeing exactly why we're all exhausted. It's hard to deny how tough it's been when I'm looking at it in black and white.