[thelowlanders]

So alot of you know about my silly power struggle I took on with bio mom. The case worker and I came to a conclusion that all correspondence bmom wanted would go through her. Including the portrait shpeal. CW said she would arrange for a visit day, to transport them to Sears and have them done. But....

Today at CRB meeting, B Gma and B mom ask about the portraits. They beg it's his first year and it means alot. I recall that the CW had reassured me that she would set it up w/them. They proceeded to tell me that she said NO and also threatened them greatly to never, Ever call my home or do any more sneaky games. They were baffled and said they would never do that. Gma says she's an x-foster parent herself, etc.

So, I really feel like such a terd now. **ugh**

[RavenSong]

Was there a history of the biological mom or grandma calling your home? Why would the CW threaten them about that if they hadn't tried calling you?

I'm a bit confused about the "sneaky games" they were playing. I thought they'd only asked you to get the baby's photo taken at Sears and take him to the doctor. Did other stuff go on??

[potentialsinglemom]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Was there a history of the biological mom or grandma calling your home? Why would the CW threaten them about that if they hadn't tried calling you?

I'm a bit confused about the "sneaky games" they were playing. I thought they'd only asked you to get the baby's photo taken at Sears and take him to the doctor. Did other stuff go on??

Here is one post:


Ever been played?

[waited2long]

I'm sorry you feel badly and that you feel the biomother and grandmother were falsely accused...

But I am really glad it sounds like you made a connection with the biofamily. I think that connection will help everybody involved!! I applaud you for having your heart open to them!

[potentialsinglemom]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

So alot of you know about my silly power struggle I took on with bio mom. The case worker and I came to a conclusion that all correspondence bmom wanted would go through her. Including the portrait shpeal. CW said she would arrange for a visit day, to transport them to Sears and have them done. But....

Today at CRB meeting, B Gma and B mom ask about the portraits. They beg it's his first year and it means alot. I recall that the CW had reassured me that she would set it up w/them. They proceeded to tell me that she said NO and also threatened them greatly to never, Ever call my home or do any more sneaky games. They were baffled and said they would never do that. Gma says she's an x-foster parent herself, etc.

So, I really feel like such a terd now. **ugh**

I do not know why you would feel like a turd for the caseworker finally saying something to these people. You have been venting for days about the drama you have been encountering. You vented about the caseworker not being supportive of you. Now I am confused... Do you want things to continue as they have been with nothing said to the parents OR do you want the caseworker to set boundaries?

[sethsmommy]

I would stick with filtering everything through the CW....they could have lied to you, who knows? I don't think our agency would have it any other way....this is a bit baffling to me but I guess it works differently in different areas...

[shycar]

I agree with sethsmommy. Many bparents are good at manipulating. I do nothing until I get the ok from sw. When bparents ask for favors from me I tell them they need to talk to sw first. I also talk to sw. I many times find bparents not telling the whole truth. Hmmm I have found some sw not telling the whole truth, but thats another issue all together.

[Dickons]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

So alot of you know about my silly power struggle I took on with bio mom. The case worker and I came to a conclusion that all correspondence bmom wanted would go through her. Including the portrait shpeal. CW said she would arrange for a visit day, to transport them to Sears and have them done. But....

Today at CRB meeting, B Gma and B mom ask about the portraits. They beg it's his first year and it means alot. I recall that the CW had reassured me that she would set it up w/them. They proceeded to tell me that she said NO and also threatened them greatly to never, Ever call my home or do any more sneaky games. They were baffled and said they would never do that. Gma says she's an x-foster parent herself, etc.

So, I really feel like such a terd now. **ugh**

Everybody gets fed up at times but you came here and asked the tough questions...and got tough answers...give yourself a break.

You now have the chance to work from a clean slate - no 'but they did this' and 'I did that' - clean slate...ask to have the birth family meet at Sears and get the pictures taken, wish them a merry christmas, enjoy the holidays and if possible send a tape or pictures of the day. Everyone reaches their breaking point - especially when they feel overwhelmed and generally it is something silly that is the straw the breaks the camels back and if you were not overwhelmed it would have not have been an issue. Go forward with grace, do what is right in your heart for your kids.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[fredalina]

Don't feel bad. You did what you felt (and probably WAS) best for your family. It's a good idea to have all requests come through the caseworker so she can sift through them and determine which ones are reasonable and which aren't. It's obvious the birthmom isn't able to do the filtering herself, and as you've discovered, you don't need that stress right now!

If you feel like it and have time, you can get professional pics taken (at Sears or wherever) in the outfit she likes, and give them to her as a Christmas surprise. You can have the caseworker give them to her so the caseworker can stress that requests are still to be filtered through her first, but that you thought she would enjoy these pictures.

But, you are under no obligation to do so at all. It's just a nice thought if you don't think it would open up a can of worms .

[Lorraine123]

I'm confused - you said in another thread that them contacting you created safety issues for you and your family. So, the CW told them not to contact you and now you feel bad? Isn't that what you wanted? You were scared enough of them that you called the police to give them a heads up and you only answer the door with your big dogs there. I guess I just don't understand.

[shavon]

I also do not understand..It seems like most of your posts contradict (sp?) each other. You said your self in one of your posts that you were sared of them and now you are saying that you feel bad because someone stood up for you???? Very confusing...

[chickymum]

I can't help but wonder if you are being manipulated big time.

[kxl164]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

So alot of you know about my silly power struggle I took on with bio mom. The case worker and I came to a conclusion that all correspondence bmom wanted would go through her. Including the portrait shpeal. CW said she would arrange for a visit day, to transport them to Sears and have them done. But....

Today at CRB meeting, B Gma and B mom ask about the portraits. They beg it's his first year and it means alot. I recall that the CW had reassured me that she would set it up w/them. They proceeded to tell me that she said NO and also threatened them greatly to never, Ever call my home or do any more sneaky games. They were baffled and said they would never do that. Gma says she's an x-foster parent herself, etc.

So, I really feel like such a terd now. **ugh**

Let me see if I have this straight....

From my viewpoint, you now feel like your power-struggle was silly because of the prespective you got from this board, and realize in the big scheme of things these concerns were more minor than major, and since the scheduling thing has since been fixed your being so frustrated by it is silly.

So you and CW agreed to have everything go through her, which imo is perfectly reasonable.

You also felt that your safety was threatened by this birthfamily, so you called cops and told the CW about it.

After meeting the family you have doubts about whether your saftey was in fact threatened and feel bad that they may not get the pictures of the child they want so badly.

Again, this is my interpretation of what you have posted.

1. Things should go through the CW.
2. No matter how the birthfamily feels it is between them and the CW to make the picture thing work, it is not your responsibility and it should be done on the child's existing schedule if for no other reason that keeping a routine for him is important to development.
3. If you really felt that you safety was threatened it probably was, trust you instincts, and don't second guess it after someone "acts" surprised.
4. Just because the GMom is a former foster parent doesn't mean that your safety wasn't threatened or that things shouldn't go through the CW.
5. I think you are being too sensitive to the whole situation. I understand it, but you need to step away from the drama. Your responsibility is to take care of your family, bio and foster. Let the CW deal with the drama and demands of the birthfamily, don't get sucked into their feelings.... it is dangerous.

I suggest you take a step back and breathe. You did not cause this situation, focus on the children and the CW do the rest. Don't second guess you insticts to protect the safety of your family, I've been through that too, just focus on the children and let everything else go, you can't control it so don't waste your energy worrying about it.

[Suziebearhugs]

I always bring the foster kids in around their birthday and have their portriats taken with the subsidy money I get. I don't do it for the parents. I do it for the child.I send a couple of the pictures to the family with the child at their visitations. I keep a couple for our family and the rest I save for the child and send along with their life books to what ever placement they go to from my home.

There is no reason to feel guilty that the social worker stepped up and set some boundaries with them and it is likely that they are trying to manipulate you into getting what they want.

It's up to the social worker now if/when she will arange for them to have photo's taken of the child with the family. So, try and let it go.

If you haven't already then I'd bring the child yourself to get some portriats done. Your not responsible for the parents and family. Your responsible for the child. to make sure it has a safe secure home, medical care, education etc. Try and focus your attentions on the child and let the social worker handle the family. That's her job.

[Hadley2]

Originally Posted by Dickons

ask to have the birth family meet at Sears and get the pictures taken, wish them a merry christmas, enjoy the holidays ....

You absolutely can't do this. You cannot schedule an unauthorized visit, it is breaking some kind of law and could get the children removed from your care and you charged with a crime, perhaps endangerment, in addition to violating court orders.

Here's my thought: Do you shop regularly at Walmart? Easy enough to get a cheap cheap promo package there. You go in for the special and stop at the special, no extras. They're often pretty good...when DD1 was little, I tried joined of the kids' photo places and tried both Sears and Walmart, and y'know what? Maybe it was my lucky day, but the WM pix were the best. Going to a private photographer you know by name and work can be worth the price, I think (I'd pay it if I had it for a couple of photographers I know), but Sears, Olan Mills, kids' photo places, etc., you don't know who they've hired or whether the pix will be any good. It's all a gamble, you might as well go for the cheaper easier one, I think.

Holiday time they may be scheduling, IDK, or it may be walk in as it usually is...anyway, I'm thinking it is probably far too late to schedule a portrait at a place like Sears anyway. I'm curious, though, did the mother offer to pay for the portraits? Did she choose a package and try to give you a check?

FD is grade-school age, so we send school pix to her first parents and her first mother's family (we are the first father's family). Maternal grandma isn't always happy with the school pix, but it is what we can afford. I don't have pro shots of my kids since DD1 was little (she's 17 now). So, oh well.

IDK if I'm allowed to go here on this thread, but since it seems intertwined--Where do you draw the line? The safety--broadly interpreted--of the child is paramount. Personally, if social services wants or for some legal reason has to do something that I think endangers the child, I put it to them to do that, I won't. So, you draw the line at requests/demands that harm the child. Next, you draw the line at breaking the law and trashing a court-ordered case plan. Accommodating requests/demands that harm the child, supercede our authority, contravene a case plan, etc.--even if the harm is the stress of being yanked hither and yon like an object and having your household and personal routine in an uproar--is not, in my opinion, supporting RU--it is undermining it by enabling the same kind of dysfunctional approach to life that led to the removal.

It's got nothing to do with judging the parents or having compassion for them. Compassion doesn't equal enabling, setting boundaries doesn't equal calling someone "bad." Everyone is worthy of compassion, some effort at understanding, and constructive help. And sometimes the kindest, most useful, most respectful thing to say is "no."

What I've gotten from your posts is the feeling that it doesn't feel like parenting that is being asserted, it feels more like codependent controlling of an object called "my child." And you feel sucked into a struggle not really of your making or desire--one that enables the mother to avoid dealing with what she really needs to do to make RU safe. It's jangling your spirit and throwing you off focus--that is how manipulation works...in the midst of it, you feel as if you are the odd one out, not understanding or sometimes feeling led to go along, and then, when you get some time and space, you think, "hey, now wait just a minute...." That is why it is best for things to go through the cw. Family RU is her business, her agenda and her caseplan--and if she has any time on the job, her radar picks this stuff up with a healthy sense of caring detachment. We, on the other hand, I think best support RU by being the best foster parent we can be.