[shan76]

I'm looking for some advice. My 6 year-old was caught with his hands under his best friend's dress at school today. When I talked to him about it, he claimed it was her idea (maybe, maybe not?), and that they have done that "two or six times." He says that he was looking at her underwear.

My son was sexually abused while in foster care but doesn't remember most of it, though he did start to show signs of acting out while he was in care. Since he has been with me, we have not had any major problems. However, I NEVER leave him alone with girls, or anyone younger than him.

The girl that he got in trouble with today, like I said, is his best friend. I had already noticed that she lacks modesty, and was limiting the amount of time they spend together. In fact, I had outright told him that he couldn't have play dates with her because I was concerned about her inappropriate behavior. (Things like getting completely naked in front of guests in order to put on a new costume.)

I can keep them apart outside of school, and the teacher has said he will not let them sit together at school or at lunch, but this is happening at recess, when it is an aide watching. (Yes the aide has seen it more than once, and yes I am furious that I didn't hear about it the first time!) As much as I want to, I can't be with him 24 hours a day to protect him from himself!

If any of you have dealt with a situation similar to this, or even if you haven't, I'd love to hear your thoughts and advice. I realize that the behavior is somewhat age appropriate, however his sexual experience is not age appropriate, and I'm not sure how to reconcile the two.

Thank you so much for your help!

[seabird]

I am not a foster parent yet and am new to the board but if it were me, I would take him to a Play Therapist who would be able to assess the situation. It is a very nice setting, where they have all kinds of things to play with and by playing, things come out. It's very non confrontational. I don't know if your son has been going to any kind of therapy but if not, I would look into this avenue. Good luck!

[Mom2blessings]

I think you are right to be extra careful with your son, considering his past abuse. With the details you gave, it's hard to tell why he did this...was it really just looking at panties, or was there another reason that he didn't want to reveal? I say that because you mentioned that his hands were UNDER her dress, not just holding the dress up so he could see.

IMO, I don't think immodesty in a 6 year old girl should cause your son to behave like this, so I would worry a little...but not a whole lot. I think you should perhaps get him some sort of therapy or evaluation done just to rule out any need for further counseling.

[shan76]

I guess I should have mentioned, he's in therapy. We did six months of Parent-Child-Interactive-Therapy when he first moved in, then I have kept him with a play therapist ever since. I haven't talked to the therapist about it yet. His next session is tomorrow.

[jphollen]

my foster daughter acted out sexually in kindergarten pretty much all year last year. Little boys were groped, and once there was something that may or may not have happened in the in class bathroom. It continued until the school decided to listen to me and impliment a safety plan! They kept saying she was a beautiful little girl who wouldn't hurt a fly. There were right about her being a beautiful little girl, but she could hurt others and had the file to prove it. These kids, kids who have themselves been abused (especially when it has went on for years on end) have the potential to victimize others or act out on themselves. It's great that you don't leave him alone with younger children or girls but it probably needs to be more than that. I would expand that to not leave him alone with any other child, and I would insist that the school did the same. This is to keep your son and any other child safe.

People take offense when you say to be really careful around kids who have been sexually abused. They didn't ask for this and it's not fair, but everyone needs to be protected. It's not there fault often times they are acting out exactly what was done to them. Some sick adult did this and told them it was out of love.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk or you want a sample of what a safety plan can look like. Good luck with the therapist tomorrow.

[dakotabluebaby]

Oh one hand though, maybe she has pushed him to do this. If they are best friends...who knows what her family life is like. Maybe this is healthy, maybe not. But what I mean to say is if your son is not the source that started it he is in a better position, but I would be concerned about his friend. She lacks the modesty to know that it is inappropriate, even in front of others on a playground.

[Lorraine123]

I feel that you should never take a chance with your child or any other child's safety. I would insist that the school listen. Bring in his files and/or therapists or what ever is necessary to make them listen. He needs to be in line of sight at all times and never alone with another child (bathrooms are a common place for this). Children who are sexually abuse (even before they remember) can have a tendency to recreate that abuse either on others or by having others do it to them. Schools are able to set up safety plans. It isn't punishment for the child, in fact the child will probably not even be aware of it. But, better safe than sorry I think.