[thelowlanders]

I know it is my responsibility to care for our Foster children's needs. But when bio parents request multiple extras, is it mandatory that I do them? We already go to town and drag all the kids out of their routine 3 times a week. Do I really have to obey their commands of more appointments. Some examples I seem to be bullied into doing:

Extra doc visits when bio mom feels necessary (Won't let up on concern for bumps doctor has said are fine multiple times.)

Trip to barber to have 10 month olds head shaved (against my wishes)

Wants appt. at Sears for portraits for Her smile saver program.

Oops, missed visit, but demands make up one. (And gets it after I'm told in parking lot she won't be able to make it today)

And many more.....

So, all the while, I'm dragging 3 other children along, out of their happy routine, To comply with her agenda. We, as a family, signed on to welcome these children into Our family life, plus their visits, and anything they need to be provided. Need is the key word. I understand bio-mothers rights, but didn't sign on to appease her. Am I wrong to feel that if they want to obey her commands, They should take her to ...portrait appts, head shaving appts, etc.

I personally feel that if you mess up, have your kids taken away, you're lucky to get to simply visit them until things get straightened out. I would never imagine demanding so many things. And then.....actually getting them or foster parent is reprimanded. The one who is helping your children.

Where am I allowed to draw the line?

[CaddoRose]

In our case anything that parents want has to be arranged with the CW. She calls and politely asks if I can do such and such. If I say no, it will interfere with whatever, she will either take the kids herself or tell parents it can't be arranged at this time. I love her. She doesn't take it from anybody. The parents do not retain the power to order anything for their kids when in care. They can not go to dr appointments unless the CW or I arrange it before hand. They can not make me do anything other than make sure the kids are available for the visit once a week that they are taken care of according to the specifications of my contract with CPS and my agency. I do not have to transport them to the visit. The CW will come and get them and return them after. In other words, once the kids came into care the parents lost their right to anything other than a visit.

My FD has medical needs and the parents do not have to be informed of what is happening with that unless I tell them.(it's not a life threatening issue either)I do keep them up to date on her progress because I do see them either before or after the visit.

Our FS needed a hair cut, but the parents wanted to be there. After 3 weeks of trying to get it arranged with the parents the CW said if not today then you have my permission to go and get his hair cut. They did not have the right to stop me in the first place, but I felt that since they asked about it and the CW worked it out, I didn't feel the need to go and do it just to spite them. It was something that was important to them and not a big deal to me other than the child looked like no one cared about him.

Once you have taken the child to the dr and have a written paper explaining the diagnosis is nothing then that should be the end of it. Every time she wants the daughter to go again, you should be telling the CW that the mother is acting like a person with Munchhausen by Proxy. The doctor has already taken care of it. End of story.

She should arrange with the CW to take the kids to have pic taken when she has them for a visit.

She should have to go through the CW to get anything she wants. You should not have direct contact with the parent. There is nothing that says that you have to jump every time she says to. She is only trying to make it more difficult for you and everyone else.Put a stop to it right away.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by CaddoRose

Once you have taken the child to the dr and have a written paper explaining the diagnosis is nothing then that should be the end of it. Every time she wants the daughter to go again, you should be telling the CW that the mother is acting like a person with Munchhausen by Proxy. The doctor has already taken care of it. End of story.

Munchausen by Proxy, also known as Factitious Disorder by Proxy, is an extremely serious allegation for a layman to bring against a bio-parent. It sounds like the child's bumps have still not cleared up, and the bio-mom is worried about them. This is not the definition of Munchausen by Proxy.

Most children who have been medically harmed by their parents due to Munchausen by Proxy improve dramatically once they're placed in foster care. This is because the parent no longer has access to the child in order to make him sick.

I would be really careful before advising anybody to make unfounded accusations of this type. Just my two cents for what it's worth. (And, yes, I've taken care of kids in a medical setting who've been made extremely ill due to MBP.)

[sergekel]

I think it would depend on the relationship between the foster parent and the bio parent.

If there is a good relationship and the parent was really working hard on his/her end then I think the foster parents would want to extend themselves a little more.

If it appears that the bio parent is using the foster parent as a pawn in his/her petty little game...then I would want to remove myself from the situation by having the parent make requests through the agency.

I would let the agency know what I was willing to do above and beyond my responsibilities of caring for the child and leave the rest for the agency to decide if they wanted to do or help the bio parent do.

IMO, if the bio parent says they want the child to have a certain or specific something, then I think it is the bio's responsibility to get it..take care of it...or do it.

Meaning, for example, we are to provide clothing for the children. If the bios want the children wearing a certain style or brand...then they should feel free to go to the store and buy it themselves.

[athikers]

In my opinion, everything your child's bioparent has asked of you is quite reasonable and should be complied with. By not taking the child to the doctor, you are risking have the bioparent say "the foster mom is not taking my child to medically necessary doctor's appointments". This puts YOU in jeopardy. The hair cut issue has been discussed ad naseum, again, it is mom's right, you don't have a choice. The pictures... who would not want pictures of their child. Our foster kids parents aren't perfect, that is for sure, but they love their kids. I would do it, I have done it... at bio parents request. And, not making up visits when a bio requests they are made up... again this is dangerous ground if you don't, you are considered to be interferring with reunification. I don't think your child's bioparents are being unreasonable.

And, for what its worth... I had a child in my care that averaged 18-20 appointments a week.. including as many as 6 parent/relative visits.

If you do not wish to foster a child with so many appointments and needs, speak with your child's worker about it and they can find you more suitable placements to your lifestyle and the needs of your family.

[Boulderbabe]

Here's my very best piece of advice: in every foster case, you only get to go nuclear once. You have to be really, really careful how you deploy your one chance. If you waste it on something like a haircut, then when you absolutely have to go bonkers to get them to stop visits that are making the child stressed out and miserable, nobody will listen to you. If you waste it over going to have pictures taken, then when you need to let somebody have it because the transition to bfamily is going too fast and whacking the poor kid out, nobody will listen.

So you've got to choose your battles very, very carefully. None of these issues are ones that I'd waste dressing the SW down about. Yeah, it's a PITA. Oh well, lots of things in life are PITAs. Most of foster care is a PITA. You just kind of go along and do it and grumble a little bit under your breath, and then let it go.

Save your giant fit for a time when it can really do some good (and at that time, don't hold back!!)

[thelowlanders]

I don't find it reasonable to have the reactions of all the workers be no big deal when parents are a no show. I'm sitting in parking lot w/4 children waiting and they come out and say "oops.........Guess we'll schedule an extra visit next week." Um..no. We were here on time on scheduled day. Now we have yet another visit next week. That is unacceptable. But if I call ahead and say we'll be gone camping, etc. We are in huge trouble????? This is Very unreasonable.

I see where you're coming from about appntmnts. If I had a child in need of many necessary appts such as therapy, doctors, etc. No problem. But random requests by bioparents is not my responsibility. If they want to Taxi them about during their visit hours, more power to them. But it certainly is not my job to appease them. It is to take care of their children.

The doctor visit is Not needed. It has been explained to her what she is doing wrong at her 2 visits a week to mess his system up but she is too prideful to stop at this time. There is nothing more I can do. The case worker, attorney, CASA, and doctor have been notified of her parental decisions.

Pictures- We've already had professional ones done. But she wanted hers done at Sears, and especially wearing her outfit for him which was old pajamas and courduroy jacket.....I'm confused??? Oh well....

Raven Song- for the first time I think we agree I couldn't label or put question in their minds about such a serious allegation. Don't worry, I won't.

Well, wish I had a supportive, reasonable caseworker like it sounds some of you have. I just feel like they can do whatever they want when they get their kids back.

[Heather5458]

I have found the more I give the more that people take and I am not just refering to parents. I am very busy and have a full schedule due to life. I do not have direct contact with parents untill it is time to reunify and then I do whatever I can in my power to help out but before that I say no. Pictures at Sears sounds great if the social worker or someone wants to take them since that is piano lessons for someone else. The same illness I will call the nurse on duty and have her fax something to the social worker if the social worker has a problem. Visits, well the agency transports not me. After three misses the social worker has to find a new agency to transport. I am here for my kiddos but not to make things easier on anyone else. I did not sign up to be a taxi service and I find that I am not asked to be if I have a valid reason why I can not.

[meshsgrl]

Ask for transportation.... I take my kids to Dr visits and therapy appointments, outside of that I get transportation. My suggestion to you is this... if you aren't with a private agency find one!!! They care about YOU, atleast my agency does, where as all CYS is the bioparents! My agency SW will tell the bioparents, CW etc... we are here for the fosterparents and they are!! My Sw drives an hr one way to transport my kids to a visit. She also takes my kids to appointments when I can't make it. The county CW would NEVER do that!!! I do have a really nice CW and a really crappy CW, so they aren't all the same either!

[jphollen]

If you feel like you are being over stretched I would speak up to the agency. They are supposed to help out with this kind of thing. Sure every bio-parent has the right to ask for hair cuts, pictures and all that good stuff, in our area at least you have the right to have some help with it. They could have a case aide/worker do part of a visit at the barber shop next time and let biomom/dad go to the hair cut. Maybe you could handle the pictures and the doctor or better yet see if they could take biomom/dad to the doctor so the doctor could better explain the bumps to her. If she is hearing it second hand she may continue to worry and not be secure in the answer the doctor says it's no big deal. (as a parent of kids with skin issues however sometimes the dr has to look at something six times before he realizes what it is )

I do think it's our job as fp's to comply with most requests, but there are only so many hours in the day. I have biokids with allergies, asthma and basketball games. Foster kids with visits, health problems, therapy and basketball games too. I have to try to delegate when I can.

If your agency says there understaffed and can't help ask them if they can help you come up with some more solutions to make everyone happy.

[BethanyB]

When I was fostering, whenever I got a complaint from the bio mom through the SW I would just say okay and let it go. Whatever the SW told me to do, I did it. I did not give my opinion on how I felt about the bio mom and just worried about my side. I got along very well with the SW's and when bio mom could not work her plan the adoption of my son and daughter went very smoothly.

It appears as though you are in some type of mental war with your foster son's parents. It appears as if its turned into tit for tat and who is going to "win" each situation. I think wanting pictures done at Sears is normal for the holidays. I would do it without question. This should not be you versus her. Your job as a foster parent is to take care of that little guy. Whether his mom is a serial killer or an alcoholic, it is not your place to judge her. The more crap you give to the SW's the less patient they are going to be with you. Then as someone else said, when you really need something taken care of, it may not be.

Don't make this personal. This is all part of the job. It feels like you are harboring bad feelings about your son's bio mom and that is not healthy.

Pick your battles.

[mommy2fiveplus]

Call the CW have her or the Mom schedule any haircuts, pictures, visits w/santa, extra Dr. visits(beyond physicals and needed apt), or an other requests on the day/time of family visits. In our area a typical supervised visit is 1-2 hours, plenty of time to have pics taken or sit in a waiting room to see a dr. or just about any other request. If the visits are not supervised than why can't she just take the kids on her time to the things she wants done?

I agree with the "pick your battles" strategy but also it just comes down to dividing time amongst all the children. I cannot afford to put all of my time into one child's basket and risk short-changing another.

I agree that it is not unreasonable for the kid's Mom to want pic of her son to give out to family and they should be in clothes of her choosing, totally not unreasonable, HOWEVER if you have already has them taken once then it is not unreasonable to ask that she be responcible for having them done this time on HER time.

As for make-up visits, our agency does not allow them unless the parent has an excuse from the Dr. or something else REALLY compelling. No transportation, work schedule conflicts, "I forgot", "I'm in jail" or just about any other excuse is not good enough.

I did have a CW that gave me a spot of trouble for not doing a make-up visit (3rd visit parent missed in the month) so I just printed out a monthly schedule detailing all the visits (Dr, sport practices, therapy, Early On, Early Head start, bio fam visits, IEP, etc.) for 7 kids and my and Don's work schedule, I also penciled in the 4 hour blocks of sleep I get and the loads of laundry I do each day. Then I asked her where she wanted me to schedule in the extra missed visit. I have NEVER had a problem with this since.

[thelowlanders]

BethanyB- I see where you're coming from. Definitely will pick my battles carefully.

I am not the best with words so a few of you have said exactly what I'm trying to put down. There's only so much time in my day. I can not put all energy into one child and mother's requests when there are 3 others plus my pregnancy to think of. Plus my husband too This is not too much for me to handle every day life with 4+ children. But when it comes to doubling up on things already done, that's where my timesharing may become unfair.

Thanks for the heads up that it comes across that I'm harboring bad feelings towards FS's mother. I will pay attention to that. I think it's just my Mama bear side coming out to protect the rest of our families "rights" or what have you to attention. She's actually a decent mother I believe, with emotional isssues and a really, really bad husband. I truly want her to get her son back ASAP if she can get things straightened out. I have no agenda. Just want things safe for him.

Love the monthly schedule printout by the way! I'll have to use that one when needed. Thanks

[stevenstwin]

Personally, I"ve never heard of a parent asking a foster parent to make a special trip to a photo studio, or to a barber for a specific type of new haircut, and I wouldn't do it. I think it's ridiculous, with the hours we already put in to drive to therapy, doctors, visits, etc. I'm surprised by the number of posters who don't think that's a problem. I barely have time to take my kids to photo sessions and hairdressing appointments that *I* arrange - can you imagine if you have 4 or 5 foster kiddos, and they all had these kinds of "extra" requests???

[thelowlanders]

Thank you!