[shavon]

very well put Fridalina---I have yet to meet a parent that has had thier children taken away that does not love them deeply and even if they couldnt give them the best care they want to know that someone else is..

[manni28]

What exactly is everything they want? My goodness these are their children. They deserve to have say in their kids lives. Honestly, if my kids were ever taken from me, I would be frightened and scared that they were being taken care of properly. These parents still have rights. Until TPR is filed and granted, they deserve to be mom and dad.

Bethnyb:

Yes they are still the parents but if they were doing what they were suppose to be doing (being good parents to the child) they wouldn’t be it this predicament. So, I really don't agree ( to some degree)with parents having a "say" in their child's life
.

Seeing their children is not a privilege for bparents. It is their legal right.

I think it would be very difficult for bparents to be grateful. If somebody took my kid away, I surely would not be grateful to the person who did it.

Blouderbabe:

The parents should be grateful-if they weren't so busy partying and neglecting their children they wouldn't be in this predicament-they have no one but themselves to blame-no one took their kids.


You all are good, I couldn’t be a foster parent-I'd be too judgmental

[BethanyB]

Taken care of properly???? If a bparent screws up so royally that they have their children taken away from them, even temporarily, the last thing they need to worry about is that a fp isn't taking good care of them.

Um, excuse me. Why don't you tell that to my son's bio sister who had BOTH of her legs BROKEN in FOSTER CARE! She was just a baby when her foster parents broke them. She had both legs in casts for many months. That was the fourth home she was in due to no fault of her own. She had been to five homes in all by the time she was two and she was a darling little girl.

When I was fostering my son at the time her current foster parents asked me to do a respite for her while they went to a funeral in Florida. Well, they packed her clothes and sent her to me for two weeks. It was October and they sent short sleeve shirts, clothes that were either MUCH too big or much too small (as if they were hand me downs) and her shoes were THREE sized too big. She was still drinking out of a bottle and all of the bottles had mold on the nipples.

This was NOT the home that broke her legs but another home. It was apparent to me that they were NOT spending the subsidy money her at all. How freaking sad!

So please don't talk to me about worrying about foster children's needs. TRUST that I KNOW that parents who have their kids taken from them had that happen for a reason. Remember I know firsthand. I fostered and adopted two children.

The problem I have here is with several posters sounding so negative about birth parents. It really makes me sad. Yeah, I got the complaints from the birthparents for no reason and I had visits cancelled as well but I never had such disdain for their birthmom. And I'm glad because I honestly think my kids would pick up on it if I did.

People make mistakes and as foster parents we volunteer to help bring families back together. I can understand being frustrated at certain aspects but honestly I am getting a very bad vibe from some people posting here and that makes me sad.


__________________

[waited2long]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

Um, excuse me. Why don't you tell that to my son's bio sister who had BOTH of her legs BROKEN in FOSTER CARE! She was just a baby when her foster parents broke them. She had both legs in casts for many months. That was the fourth home she was in due to no fault of her own. She had been to five homes in all by the time she was two and she was a darling little girl.

When I was fostering my son at the time her current foster parents asked me to do a respite for her while they went to a funeral in Florida. Well, they packed her clothes and sent her to me for two weeks. It was October and they sent short sleeve shirts, clothes that were either MUCH too big or much too small (as if they were hand me downs) and her shoes were THREE sized too big. She was still drinking out of a bottle and all of the bottles had mold on the nipples.

This was NOT the home that broke her legs but another home. It was apparent to me that they were NOT spending the subsidy money her at all. How freaking sad!

So please don't talk to me about worrying about foster children's needs. TRUST that I KNOW that parents who have their kids taken from them had that happen for a reason. Remember I know firsthand. I fostered and adopted two children.

The problem I have here is with several posters sounding so negative about birth parents. It really makes me sad. Yeah, I got the complaints from the birthparents for no reason and I had visits cancelled as well but I never had such disdain for their birthmom. And I'm glad because I honestly think my kids would pick up on it if I did.

People make mistakes and as foster parents we volunteer to help bring families back together. I can understand being frustrated at certain aspects but honestly I am getting a very bad vibe from some people posting here and that makes me sad.


__________________

Thank you for posting this. I was also saddened by much of the 'bio-bashing'.

Just because people make mistakes (sometimes really big ones) doesn't mean they don't care about their child(ren).

[BethanyB]

Bethnyb:

Yes they are still the parents but if they were doing what they were suppose to be doing (being good parents to the child) they wouldn’t be it this predicament. So, I really don't agree ( to some degree)with parents having a "say" in their child's life

Manni, if what you say is true. Why can't the foster parents just be judge, jury and executioner? I mean it sounds as if these parents have already been judged, why not just grant TPR right off the bat?

There is something in this country called due process. And yes, there are many horrible people out there who beat their children and molest them and horrible things like that but there are also people out there living in poverty and are unable to feed or cloth or even give their kids a place to live. There are people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol and as much as they love and want their children they can't break that horrible addiction. These are not Hollywood starlets that can check into a six month spa like rehab program with swimming pool and all. These are people, parents for God's sakes and they have a right to try and get help and get their kids back.

When I hear the words, "Why should foster parents get everything they want?" It sounds like a total power struggle. From BOTH sides. And even though I have not been on both sides I can imagine how it might feel. It's quite something to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

[jphollen]

I think there is a difference. Some people seem to bio bash. And then some people seem to vent when they are just frustrated. I feel terrible for my fkids biomom. She struggles with addiction and truly loves her kids (as I am sure is almost always the case).

That doesn't mean when she feeds them crazy stuff or tells them I am just a lazy white lady who stays home all day and collects money (SAHM with two toddlers and three big kids in one of the lowest reimbursing states ). I am fine with her saying that I know she needs to be mad at someone and I can take it. I just don't like the after effects of it. Sugared up kids who repeat what Mom said. So I whine a little but I try to always be compassionate and respectful.

I only speak positively about any bio parent I have ever fostered kids for. They all have at some point irked me privately though. I think they do all have legal rights and we should work with them to get there children back home when that is their goal. People make mistakes and deserve help and additional chances. We do important job and the only thing I want in return is an opportunity to grumble appropriately and privately from time to time.

BethanyB- I know your speaking of some direct comments made. I was just trying to distinguish some of us who just like to vent thats all.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by forever14230

Taken care of properly???? If a bparent screws up so royally that they have their children taken away from them, even temporarily, the last thing they need to worry about is that a fp isn't taking good care of them.

Good people run into problems in their lives. Just because somebody is poor enough to be in a shelter, or sleeping in their car, or being abused by their husband, doesn't mean they don't love their children tremendously. And yet poverty is the number one thing that brings kids into care.

Parents with addictions also love their kids, and care about their wellbeing. Parents who are mentally ill care about their kids a lot, even if they might not be able to take care of them.

So yes, lots of caring, loving parents get their kids taken into care, some of them through no fault of their own. And they do worry that the kids are being well taken care of.

Before we jump on a high horse and judge the birthparents, it helps to find out what challenges they are facing. Not all of them are just heedless screw-ups. You know what? There but for the grace of God go we.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by manni28

The parents should be grateful-if they weren't so busy partying and neglecting their children they wouldn't be in this predicament-they have no one but themselves to blame-no one took their kids.


You all are good, I couldn’t be a foster parent-I'd be too judgmental

You're right. You're being too judgemental. I have had very few kids come to me because their parents were partying. I've had a lot of kids come because their parents were homeless. Some because their mom worked two jobs and still couldn't afford daycare for them. I've had one come because mom was mentally retarded and just couldn't care for the baby. And I've had another come because her mother had schizophrenia.

Which part of those things do you blame the birthparents for? Which of those things do you think we should punish them for by taking away visits with their kids?

We have no idea why people are the way they are. But let me tell you, being homeless or being mentally ill---it could happen to any of us. It's luck of the draw a lot of times. So I try and have a lot of compassion for my kids bparents. It's not easy, but I try hard.

[manni28]

There is something in this country called due process. And yes, there are many horrible people out there who beat their children and molest them and horrible things like that but there are also people out there living in poverty and are unable to feed or cloth or even give their kids a place to live. There are people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol and as much as they love and want their children they can't break that horrible addiction. These are not Hollywood starlets that can check into a six month spa like rehab program with swimming pool and all. These are people, parents for God's sakes and they have a right to try and get help and get their kids back.

When I hear the words, "Why should foster parents get everything they want?" It sounds like a total power struggle. From BOTH sides. And even though I have not been on both sides I can imagine how it might feel. It's quite something to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

BethanyB/ Boulderbabe:

This is where you and I disagree. When you are homeless they ( social services) does everything in their power to help you help your child and yourself. I have NO sympathy for parents who are addicted to drugs and alcohol- they could/ and do endanger their children. I personally am grateful for the solid foundation my parents taught me, and the common sense god gave me, so I could follow the path my parents laid for me. Not everyone has that privilege. However, when children are involved one can’t use that as an excuse. When you bring a child into the world it’s the parent’s moral obligation to care for the child. I understand losing one’s job and having a hard time but chronic homelessness/joblessness along with addiction isn’t being responsible and it doesn't get my sympathy.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

I think it would be very difficult for bparents to be grateful. If somebody took my kid away, I surely would not be grateful to the person who did it.

Are you kidding me???!! If they want to thank the person who took thier kids away, they can thank themselves!!! Most of the kids in fc are victims of abuse and neglect. I am all for helping familes get thier lives back together but there is no way someone is going to control my life when I am already bending over backwards to help heal a little soul that has been shattered due to the very people that feel I owe them their "rights".

[manni28]

Are you kidding me???!! If they want to thank the person who took thier kids away, they can thank themselves!!! Most of the kids in fc are victims of abuse and neglect. I am all for helping familes get thier lives back together but there is no way someone is going to control my life when I am already bending over backwards to help heal a little soul that has been shattered due to the very people that feel I owe them their "rights".

Thank you!!

[waited2long]

Wow... I can't believe how hateful some of these posts sound.

Have any of you lived around people with drug/alcohol addictions? Been homeless? Hungry? Met a woman who was so petrified of being beaten herself that she just did not have the courage to protect her child? I know these people, they are not ALL bad parents. Yes, some are, but they all deserve the chance to learn to be better, that's what Foster Care is all about. Having a safe place for the children while parents try to turn their lives around.

And, really, being poor is not a f....ing choice!!! That was extremely insulting.

[Boulderbabe]

Manni, maybe fostering isn't for you. There are many reasons that somebody might be homeless or jobless, especially in this economy. And there are many reasons that somebody might be an addict, too. Good people make bad decisions sometime. We do what we can to help families stay together.

Being this angry and this judgemental doesn't help kids.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by KelleyF

Are you kidding me???!! If they want to thank the person who took thier kids away, they can thank themselves!!! Most of the kids in fc are victims of abuse and neglect. I am all for helping familes get thier lives back together but there is no way someone is going to control my life when I am already bending over backwards to help heal a little soul that has been shattered due to the very people that feel I owe them their "rights".

Do you expect them to thank you? For what? Do you think that being angry and punitive towards the bparents helps the kids somehow? How?

My son's bparents are crummy parents. They did drugs and they were homeless. Their parenting decisions were flat out terrible. Do you think we should blame them? I don't. It's certainly not my son's father's fault that he was raised by a woman who has raging bipolar disorder, so that he had no idea how to be a decent parent. It's not his fault that she passed on her genes for mental illness to him, either, or that he got to spend most of his childhood in a group home. It's not my son's biomom's fault that she got the genes for mental illness, either. Or that she grew up in foster care because her mom was psychotic. Or that she was raped multiple times in foster care, as a four year old. Where exactly was she supposed to learn how to be a good parent?

You've got a whole lot of blame to dish out. But the truth is, nobody knows why the birthparents turned out the way they did. Many of them come from horrific backgrounds themselves. Some of them just have a bad luck of the draw. Some of them have made really stupid decisions, and a lot of them will never, ever be competent to be parents. Doesn't mean they aren't worthy of our care and our compassion.

[Christians-Mommy]

We never know what has happened in a persons life to bring them to the point of having their kids come into care. I have a friend from high school who has four kids all with a medical condition. Her fourth had the most severe form. This condition causes problems with eating and weight gain and a host of other problems. One doctor at a hospital who didn't fully understand everything about the syndrome turned her in for neglect. While she lost her youngest daughter her other children were able to stay with her at home. It took her a year to get her daughter back home. She did not abuse or neglect her child yet her daughter was still sheltered. While there were some issues here and there nothing that I would consider abuse or neglect.

While that is not the rule there are sooooo many different circumstances that bring children into care. Our newest little ones parents are 17 and 18 years old. They grew up in disfunctional homes and didn't know that smoking pot was dangerous to their daughter since both sets of parents did it. Their daughter lives with us while they learn the things they need to. However, they are VERY appropriate and love her VERY much. Do they irratate me with complaints about silly things yes absolutley but I would rather have some one who cared to much than a parent who didn't care enough to notice.

Sometimes people just need some education and a little help and mentoring. Other times they aren't fit to be parents. I have delt with both and that is what the system is supposed to decide. We cannot stand in judgement just because they lost their kids. There is soooo much more to this process and to the system than that.

Please try to have empathy for others. You don't know if you would be in the same spot if you had gone through what they have.