[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

Let's not misrepresent what others have written. That would be much appreciated. I just want to discuss, ask questions and enjoy other points of view. Simple as that. Please move on from your previous grievances with me.

Not quite sure if you're addressing me or not with this part of your post. I can assure you that I have not "misrepresented" anything that you've written. I may have said things that you don't like or that you don't want to hear. That does not equal misrepresentation or attacking or flaming or anything else you may want to call it. The only "previous grievance" you could be referring to is one that I haven't discussed in days, not since that particular thread was closed.

It seems so hard on the kids, etc. Especially ones like our FD who are obviously brought back to traumatizing memories after every visit. She sees a specialist after every visit now. Can only imagine what transition will be like.

Hmmm, I'm a bit confused here. I thought your foster daughter only resumed visits with her bio-mom just this last week. Oh, well, maybe I just misread that part.

I hope things improve for you soon. You should definitely look into having a transportation officer or social worker take your fkids to appointments and parental visits. That way you don't have to disrupt your other kids' schedules. And be sure to voice your concerns about the bmoms' requests and complaints to the kids' caseworkers. It's their job to handle the bparents, not your's. Good luck!

[kxl164]

One thing that always annoyed me were requests for extras when the birthparents couldn't/wouldn't make the scheduled visits.

Any disruption to our schedule would throw the kids into a tailspin and they would be confused and scared to a violent level. The birthfamily would just no-show for visits when they didn't feel like coming (and there were NO transportation or work schedule issues here), and then just request a special visit instead; or miss a visit because they knew of one of extra ones were coming up. Ex. missing a scheduled visits 1 week because the next week was the child's birthday and they knew they would see the child then.

Games like this are at the expense of the children and when a pattern emerges they shouldn't be allowed.

Now I wouldn't want a birthfamily to have to miss seeing the child on their birthday, however, alll of the catering to birthfamilies with no reasonable excuse for not showing up is too much imo, because of what it does to the children.

That aside, although it is annoying for you to have to go to another Dr. appt. for the same thing, it could be a good thing in that now the birthmom will know that you are doing everything right and the child is being taken care of and there is nothing to complain about if she just changes her actions.

As for the portrait, I am honestly impressed that she would ask for one; however, I think it should occur as a visit with CW supervision. If she wants to spend a visit with her child having portraits done, fine, again I am surprised she even asked, but it should happen on the child's existing schedule, not as an extra.

The hair cut is a power-trip thing, she is grasping at any way to have control, I think it is understandable, annoying and unnecessary from our stand-point, but understandable from hers... she wants her child to look how she wants him to look, case closed.

I remember how frustrating it is, it seems like the birthfamily is being rewarded at the expense of the child, and I feel that is true, but it is the nature of the beast (foster care) so we just have to pick up the pieces for the children and move on.

Good Luck!

[KelleyF]

That's a great idea about the dr. visits. My fs's bmom was constantly telling me she thought he was sick because he cries at almost every visit. I knew he wasn't sick, but I did act very concerned when she told me and I assured her that I would keep a close eye on him and if it continued, I would take him to the dr. I would never scedule a dr. appt. unless I was convinced there was something wrong, but I did invite her to come to the next scheduled visit with me. The cw took her and she felt much better after.

[forever14230]

Originally Posted by HopingforAlex

Everything we are told is that while a child is in Foster Care and therefore a ward of the state, whatever their biological parents want for them, they get. BECAUSE the ultimate goal is reunification.

This doesn't make any sense (not that the FC system is supposed to be logical). So if the bio parents want daily doctor appts and visits every day, then they get it? Really? It seems that they should be thankful for the time they are given, especially since someone else is caring for their child(ren). Now, with that said, the things the OP mentioned aren't that unreasonable, but if you give the bio parents everything they want, won't they want even more?

Lowlander-I would talk to your CW about having the bio mom get the portraits taken during her time. I just had my kids pics taken last Saturday and we were there for over 3 hours...not fun when you have multiple kids in tow.

[Singlemom619]

My SW began providing transportation when I had 3 (including my own) and one needed visits and such. Tell SW you can't do it - it's not fair to the other kids - and ask her what programs they have to help with transportation - they call them Case Aids here but the SW is suppose to do it as well.

[BethanyB]

What exactly is everything they want? My goodness these are their children. They deserve to have say in their kids lives. Honestly, if my kids were ever taken from me, I would be frightened and scared that they were being taken care of properly. These parents still have rights. Until TPR is filed and granted, they deserve to be mom and dad.

It honestly appears as if so many people are taking this all so personally. Like the bio parents will be "winning" if they ask for something and get it. At least that is how it feels to me after reading some of these posts.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by forever14230

It seems that they should be thankful for the time they are given, especially since someone else is caring for their child(ren).

Seeing their children is not a privilege for bparents. It is their legal right.

I think it would be very difficult for bparents to be grateful. If somebody took my kid away, I surely would not be grateful to the person who did it.

[vegaschristina]

One way that we managed the ever-changing visit schedule was to let the case worker know, in a very sweet voice: "I am unavailable to drop everything and run the kids over for a visit right now since the bmom just happened to show up when a visit wasn't scheduled. I am free to bring the children tomorrow or you can come get the kids. Which would be better for you?"

Somehow, the visit got rescheduled til when I was free. This is a case of me "winning" but also the kids and the bmom "winning" because they got their visit, and I didn't have to drop everything in my schedule to accomodate their nuttiness.

We also got called once from a case worker who wanted to do a drop-in visit. He called and said he'd be at my house in 15 mintues to see the kids. I told him this: "Great, but we're at a birthday party, how about tomorrow!" His response was that he'd come by in an hour, but we were still at the party, and I wasn't punishing the kids by leaving the party early for somethat that they had no control over.

When you're a foster mom, "winning" isn't necessarily about the b-family "losing" but rather at our ability to beat the system to have a tiny measure of control over our own lives.

[thelowlanders]

Control over my own life. That's exactly what I want. Thank you.

I agree that the requests by them selves are not over the top. It's just the schedule of those and more all put together. Just wanted to know if or when I could draw a line for Cw's to help. We have an excellent new visit coordinator. She realized how rediculous our schedule is w/out me even asking the other day. We now have 2 kids visit on same day and 1 more for baby on Mon. Yay! Down to 2 days a week running to town.

I noticed there hasn't been any comments about foster kids especially needing routine. This one of my many concerns about our schedule that was quickly adding up. I wanted things to be reliable, predictable, and calm around here for all the children. But I was having things going on 5 + days a week. Do you find this helpful with yours? A routine?

Rsong- Yes, she just had her second visit after a 3 week break. Her reactions before the break to visits were very disturbing. And only became worse since they resumed. So we are meeting with a specialist weekly after visits from here on out. And she is requesting that FD be able to take her security (Me) w/ her to visits. I really don't think that would be fair to the mother though. If I were her, it would break my heart to see my little girl going to someone else to get reassurance.

For the record though, alot of you on that last thread were right. I could have left the faux hawk on. It was pretty stinkin cute. Not my preference, but adorable. He has a marine cut now and thankfully loves to wear hats. So it's not that bad, it only took 20+ minutes, and pregnancy hormones have calmed down

[hesabanana]

Regarding documenting.....document everything, every contact with anyone involved in the case. It has saved me more than once.

[BethanyB]

Again Lowlanders, have you tried asking for a transport? Why not just do that? Then you can have a lot more control of your life.

[forever14230]

[quote=BethanyB] Honestly, if my kids were ever taken from me, I would be frightened and scared that they were being taken care of properly. [quote]

Taken care of properly???? If a bparent screws up so royally that they have their children taken away from them, even temporarily, the last thing they need to worry about is that a fp isn't taking good care of them.

[bethy724]

The multiple requests ARE unreasonable. I would let the sw supervisor in on all the requests & disruption in the childrens schedule. If Bio mom wants a MD visit I would do is as a visitation & meet her at the md's office & have the md excplain the situation to her directly. I don't think the fp should EVER be responsible for approving visitations, photos, time together - it should be determined by the court & agency. The fp should just comply w/ what the judge determined (I doubt he/she ruled you have to take the child to Sears/multiple MD visits ect) It sound like the cw is using you to be the bad guy & doesn't want confrontation w/ the bio parents - she's USING you & your emotions for that.

If bio mom wants pics at Sears in a certain outfit it would be done at the time visitation is scheduled - she can meet you there & go thru the stress of having a childs picture taken (look here/smile!) & PAY for the photos - parenting includes paying for the childs pictures, taking them & talking to the MD, go to the pharmecy, paying for medication ect... having it done for you does not instill responsibility.

Good luck - it sounds like the bio parent is borderline harassing you & it's working - get the supervisor involved-& go to court & keep the higher up's involved w/ the demands. I, personally, wouldn't do it - I would abide by the judges orders (visitation 3x pewr week - that would be it for me) I would hold the sw & agency responsible for dealing w/ bio mom - it shouldn't be the fp's responsibility - we commit to the children - not the parents.


I completly understand the dislike for bio parents behavior & the affect it has on their children. My son's bio mom allowed his brother to be beaten to death in front of him - reading the autopsy report made me physically sick. I still had to take my baby to visitations w/ her & whoever she was dating at the time, I still brought him to jail to visit bio dad (who was convicted of capital murder) I had to find a place in my heart to comprehend that people are mentally sick - perhaps w/ no chance of rehibillation & children should not be dragged thru court & foster care because of their parents sins. Whatever your foster childrens bio parents did - they DID make beautiful children & have a love for them. My sons 1st 2 teeth that came in are EXACTLY like his bio moms-his eyes are like his decesed brother- his mouth is his bio dads-he carries them w/ him & I love him so i had to find love for them. He acts like me, has mannerisms are like me - he IS my son but I have to accept wehre he came from & how he came to be my son. It is really hard & could take years but once you see the good they did (making your children) a weight will be lifted off of YOU-try for yourself & your children.

[thelowlanders]

Oh. Bethany B- They only transport one day a week after I put my foot down. I was already doing Monday and Wednesdays. (+ random many other appts through week) I asked to have baby's new second visit on same day as FD. that way we could still keepit to 2 days a week. They refused and threatened to move him. Having him for only 2 weeks, I said Ok. I'll have him packed in 30 minutes. Apparantly calling them on their bluff, I received a call 1 hr later saying they would transport for that added visit. Hehehehe

I of course couldn't be that uncaring now. But learned something very important that day. But no....they are unwilling to transport any more. They already fuss over the one day a week. But I'm Ok with 2 days a week. One for groceries. Other day for outings to museum, park, arts center, etc. It's good

[fredalina]

Originally Posted by forever14230

Taken care of properly???? If a bparent screws up so royally that they have their children taken away from them, even temporarily, the last thing they need to worry about is that a fp isn't taking good care of them.

i am making NO excuses for what the birthparents have done to have their children taken from them. There is absolutely no excuse for it. There are "reasons" that all join together, such as the cycle of abuse if the birthparents were themselves abused, but the cycle *can* be broken and therefore there is no excuse for continuing that cycle. Can we try to understand those underlying reasons that cause the parents to be abusive/neglectful? Yes, and i think we have a duty to our kids to do so, but it doesn't mean we should accept it as okay.

That being said, how many really wonderful stories did you hear about foster care before you became a foster parent? If you're like me, probably not a lot. All i used to hear about, outside of Hollywood, were the horror stories of kids who were abused while in foster care, kids being chained up or starved or sexually abused, foster parents who were in it for the money and nothing but the money (because we all know that paying less for upkeep of kids than for a dog in a boarding kennel is oh-so-fair). Yes, some of the same things that happened to the kids to have them removed in the first place, in some cases perhaps worse. Also there are horror stories about "bad kids" in the system who harm their foster parents. Even talking to people who've been foster parents gives you a grim picture of the system. Just look at the statistic that 3 out of 5 sexually abused kids in foster care were abused while in foster care...

Now, some birthparents who have their kids taken truly don't love their kids at all, but most do. They pretty much all have a really pathetic way of showing their love because they are too immature, or drug-addled, or have too much of a history of violence, or are too weak, or have too hard a time controlling their temper, or whatever to be able to care for their kids in anything resembling a loving way, but they still do love their kids. It's nowhere near okay what they did to their kids, it should not only be not condoned but they should receive real criminal punishment for it that many never receive, but it doesn't change the fact that, on some level, they truly love their kids.

Plus, so many of them make excuses for their actions. They push the guilt off on someone else because they've never learned to take responsibility for themselves. They blame the drugs, or their own parents, or the system, or whatever, and what this leads to is an underlying denial that what they did was wrong, or that it was their fault anyway.

So, if you had convinced yourself that you loved your kids, you never meant them any harm, it was someone else's fault anyway, and you'll never do it again (typical of abusers to feel this way), and you'd heard a bunch of horror stories about uncaring, abusive, money-hungry foster parents, wouldn't you worry that your kids were being cared for okay?