[RavenSong]

Thelowlanders, I know you did not say "all" rights should be suspended. You said "most" rights should be suspended, at least on this thread.

Part of the problem, for me at least, is that I've read so many of your different threads the past few days, I'm beginning to forget which one says what. I know somewhere on another thread you mentioned that bioparents shouldn't be allowed visitation or transitional visits right before R/U takes place. All the threads are beginning to merge in my mind. And I don't re-read every single post on a thread I've already read once before posting my own thoughts. If I did that, it would take me hours and hours of reading stuff I've already read once.

Regards to you, too.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

It's the temporary custody of the state part, that just seems to obviously mean losing **alot** but not all parental rights ***for the time being ***until things are sorted out. Apparantly that just all depends on the CW.



It is hard for me to wrap my mind around people being suppportive of bparents full rights in cases where there's proven severe physical and emotional abuse w/ children living in horrifying conditions though. (Like our FS) "My child is physically scarred, mentally and developmentally behind, but by God I want this,this,this,etc." I'm completely baffled. I'm really trying to understand as I read different posts. I appreciate the different forms of insight.

Absolutely agree. If they have "temporarily" lost custody of their children, they have also lost many rights. Not all of course, but many. When they work their plan and get the kids back, they can take them anywhere they want to get any kind of haircut they want.

[BethanyB]

Do you have to take your foster son back and forth to visits or can a transport worker do the driving? I'm in NJ and I was and still am a single working mom, so while I was at work, the transport SW would go to my son's daycare and pick him up and drive him to visits for me.

There were times when his bio mom did not show up and they would just drive him right back. After that, they required her to call by a certain time to confirm the scheduled visit on that day. If there was no call they did not pick him up. I never had to see his bio mom nor speak to her. I liked that because I could stay totally neutral and out of things.

I wanted to adopt my son of course but I knew that whatever happened in the end, was what was meant to be.

Can you ask about having a transport SW drive your foster son to and from visits? Or can ask if your child's bio mom can be required to call by a certain time on the day of the visit to confirm that she is going?

See, these are things you want to be able to ask for and have your SW take you seriously. If you fuss about all of the other things, the big things may be ignored or they may think, "Here she goes again." Know what I mean?

They must have transport SW's in your state, because there has got to be single or working parent families who are foster parents. I would check into that.

[melissa_bear003]

Honestly, it reads as though you've engaged in a power struggle that you have no hopes of winning.

What you think should be appropriate for a parent whose child is in care, and what the social worker deems appropriate are obviously very different things. It does read as though you view foster care as a punishment for the parents. Its not meant to be...its meant to give them time to concentrate on whatever needs to be corrected to be able to parent their children appropriately.

Its little things like the (against my wishes) in the OP that make me think that you've gotten into a power struggle point of view with them. Your desires have nothing to do with their child's hair cut.

That's the tough part about foster care. You're there, loving and raising 24/7, yet have no real control. You go where when you're told. You don't really get a vote.

Foster parenting is a hard, hard road.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

I would feel quite blessed to simply get to visit with them if I screwed up and got mine taken away. It would never cross my mind to demand multiple things.

You have to keep in mind that they have the legal right to visit their kids. This isn't a blessing or a gift--it's a legal right protected by the 14th Amendment. The only way to end visits is if it can be proven in a court of law that those visits are not in the best interests of the child.

It is not in the best interest of the child. Usually that is what the parents are being trained for because they aren't aware of the correct, healthy way to raise children. Perhaps, instead of following their every request, they should be teaching them about moderation, so the children can return sooner to a safe and calm environment.

I know what a pain it is to be being bossed around by the bparents. But I don't see anything inappropriate for kids to have a haircut, a pediatrician's visit, or to have pictures taken. Those are all pretty normal things. I know my kids do all those things. So arguing that they aren't "correct or healthy" probably isn't going to get you very far.

I totally empathize with the feeling of having your life dictated by crazy people. See how far you can accommodate them, and then work out a plan with the caseworker. Surely there's some middle ground.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

I understand they are not mine. But as of right now, they are not the b-parents either. They are the states right? And they were taken away for one reason or another. In this case very serious reasons. You'd think most of their rights would be on hold for now.
?????

Actually, the kids still ARE the bparents', and the bparents still have parental rights to the children until the termination of parental rights has been ordered by the court. They have a lot of ongoing rights to make decisions, even though the state has temporary legal custody.

That's why there's so much fol-de-rol about visits and so on. If the parents can demonstrate that their 14th Amendment rights were violated by CPS, the termination of parental rights is illegal and can be overturned on appeal. CPS takes HUGE pains to make sure that they are preserving the parents' rights, and will bend over backwards to make sure those rights aren't being violated, because having a TPR overturned is devastating for kids and adoptive families. Nobody, nobody wants to go there---it's just awful.

So while the case is ongoing, people really do go the extra mile for the bparents.

[spicedmama]

My comment does not have much to do with the OP, well, maybe a bit. I have been told by the Law Guardian, CASA, and the Social Workers that Bio Mother, (who by the way is a relative), is to have no contact with the children at this time. So, I had the responsibility of telling her when she called recently that I could not allow her to talk to them and that she needed to contact whoever is her contact person to see what she must do. Now, I am in another State, and I don't know if TPR has happened or if we are in the middle of it, or what. All I know is that it has been a very long process to ICPC these kids here, and that she is to have no contact at this time. After reading the comments about the 14th Ammendment, and parental rights, I wonder what mess I am sitting in now.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by spicedmama

My comment does not have much to do with the OP, well, maybe a bit. I have been told by the Law Guardian, CASA, and the Social Workers that Bio Mother, (who by the way is a relative), is to have no contact with the children at this time. So, I had the responsibility of telling her when she called recently that I could not allow her to talk to them and that she needed to contact whoever is her contact person to see what she must do.

No worries! If the Law Guardian (GAL) and the SW told you that no contact is permitted, it's being done because of a court order. You're off the hook. Telling bmom that you're not going to violate the no-contact order is absolutely 100% appropriate. :-)

[spicedmama]

Boulderbabe, I could hug you for that comment. I have been so worried about this situation, you just don't know. The guilt, the worry, the stress. I think I will sleep a bit better tonight. Thanks!!!

[RavenSong]

SpicedMama, it sounds to me like you did exactly what you were supposed to do. I think you were correct to tell your relative to contact the caseworker. Let the professionals act as the "bad guy"...that's their job.

ETA: I obviously don't type fast enough, LOL. Boulderbabe, you're a faster typist than I am!

[spicedmama]

RavenSong, she hung up on me, so I think I may be a "bad guy" too. Sometimes I wonder why the courts never give Foster Parents, (at least not me), anything in writing saying what their rules are? It would make me feel much more enpowered to act on behalf of the children. (I am a relative who is now a Foster Parent.)

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by spicedmama

Boulderbabe, I could hug you for that comment. I have been so worried about this situation, you just don't know. The guilt, the worry, the stress. I think I will sleep a bit better tonight. Thanks!!!

Heh, I'll take all the hugs I can get! :-) You sleep easy tonight. If you're doing what the GAL and CW ask you to, you're totally covered. And it really doesn't matter if she thinks you're a "bad guy." Your job isn't to make her happy, it's to comply with the court's orders and protect those precious kids. So just let that roll right off your back.

Sleep tight!

[thelowlanders]

Let's not misrepresent what others have written. That would be much appreciated. I just want to discuss, ask questions and enjoy other points of view. Simple as that. Please move on from your previous grievances with me.

No...I do not believe they shouldn't have transitional rights before RU. My **question**was do we have to do this? It seems so hard on the kids, etc. Especially ones like our FD who are obviously brought back to traumatizing memories after every visit. She sees a specialist after every visit now. Can only imagine what transition will be like. But I was Respectfully given information w/out combative undertones, that was really helpfull and read more on it. And of course see how healthy it is for everyone.

I agree with all the helpfull input. No more power struggles. All things will go through the SW. Bmom already knows we support her on her journey. And we always encourage the CW to have other fam. members take him for different holidays, etc. We are fully aware he has a whole family that loves him.

Bbabe- thanks for the info on rights . That's all I needed to understand what they're trying to avoid.

[shycar]

thelowlander-first I want to say, I know it is so hard for strangers to tell you how to live your life. Let me tell you I have been a foster parent for 8 years and while you foster your life does not belong to you. Honest it doesnt. At least thats how I feel some days. There are days I am never home with the running around with foster kids. There are rules, yes I know its makes sense, but its such inconvinience, like beer cant be unlocked fridge ours is in the fridge in the garage that is not connected to the house. My home has people, most strangers, in and out and if they dont like something in one visit you better change it or hell will be paid. Most sw and gal have been great and never a problem, but I have had some that did not like how kids room was set up ( I know nuts huh) or another hated dogs (how could they not love my babies). With time you learn to just smile, while your head is full of insults, yet I make the changes.

Here are some suggestion that might work. First I would ask a meeting from the sw. Visits...well there is really not much to be done there. If bmom does not show, I would call sw that day leave a message and email her that same day too. Keep copies of email so that way sw can see how many visits she missed.

Also talk about dr appt. Here is a suggestion. I think bmom might be concerned and she will keep asking for more dr appt till she talks to doctor herself. Tell the sw you understand bmom and her feelings. Suggest if that maybe one visit should be taken at the dr office with an appt, that way mom can have a feel secure that her son is happy and healthy. Have the one that supervises and bmom meet you at doc office. Let bmom talk to doc, mention her concerns, and ask her questions. Maybe once she talks to the dr herself she wont feel so concerned. Just to let you know some case plans requires bparents to attend all dr appts, so dont be suprise when you might have to meet bparents at dr offices.

Pictures those should be done during visits, with the one that does the visits, not on your time, but if they cant its a nice thing to do for bmom. Haircuts, well bparents has the right to say what kind of cuts they want, but if it bothers you, ask the sw if bmom can take him while one of her supervised visits. Then you dont have to deal with it and its a great oppertunity for bmom. Oh and make it sound that you thought bmom would enjoy taking him, dont mention about how you dont like the style or that you dont have time. I have seen this done many many times.

Also document document document. Everytime you get a complaint or a request email the sw keep copy of email. To be honest you will learn how to play with the system itself. I always tell my self the system is a game and it just takes awile to learn to play and win. If you dont win its good not to be a sore loser.

[thelowlanders]

Thank you. Nicely put

There's so much to document. I think I should start a file. haha I like the approach. And will definitely request for it to be passed for maybe her to take him to docs to put her mind at ease. So many people are greatly helpful here

It has definitely been fun to share 1st's of his milestones in pics with her. I feel like she's missing out on alot. And want to document it w/ pics the best I can. She may not thank me (ever) but I'm sure she'll love it some day.