[jphollen]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Personally, I"ve never heard of a parent asking a foster parent to make a special trip to a photo studio, or to a barber for a specific type of new haircut, and I wouldn't do it. I think it's ridiculous, with the hours we already put in to drive to therapy, doctors, visits, etc. I'm surprised by the number of posters who don't think that's a problem. I barely have time to take my kids to photo sessions and hairdressing appointments that *I* arrange - can you imagine if you have 4 or 5 foster kiddos, and they all had these kinds of "extra" requests???

Excellent point, especially with a bunch of kids a variety of ages it gets intense. I would be crying out for some help and support!

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Personally, I"ve never heard of a parent asking a foster parent to make a special trip to a photo studio, or to a barber for a specific type of new haircut, and I wouldn't do it. I think it's ridiculous, with the hours we already put in to drive to therapy, doctors, visits, etc. I'm surprised by the number of posters who don't think that's a problem.

It *is* ridiculous, no doubt about it. The question is, is it easier to make a big fracas about it, or to just do it? My guess is that in terms of time and stress, it's easier to just go along, get along on some of these issues. Why waste a good war, when you might need to have one later?

Another alternative might be compromising: you could tell the SW, "I've got an hour on Tuesday, and I'm willing to do ONE of these things. What's the highest on the priority list?"

[athikers]

I still think, if you believe three extra appointments (for whatever) is too much, you need to reconsider the type of placements AND type of families you want to work with. If you don't want a child with a family that makes requests of things they want done with their child, then request only placements of children who have very few or no visits or parents who aren't involved. Or find an agency who does all transporting for you... to me, I want to be there for these things in my foster children's lives. Otherwise, I'm sorry, but they are the child's parents they can make requests for their child and expect those requests to be complied with. I'm not talking CRAZY requests, but to me all the requests for your child are just a parent trying to stay involved in the parenting of their child.

[c.a]

Are the requests coming from the CW or from the parents? When our son was about 13 months old the CW asked if we would take him to bio mom's wedding.

I asked if I could get back to her. I thought about it and said no. I was concerned that it would not be a safe situation.

After I said no - the CW said "We were suprised that you were even willing to think about it. We had to pass the request on because mom asked, but you are right - it is a bad idea."

[thelowlanders]

I know each situation is different, but don't you feel like they lose some of these rights when their children are taken away? I would feel quite blessed to simply get to visit with them if I screwed up and got mine taken away. It would never cross my mind to demand multiple things.

Note: The 3 extra visits are simply an example of the Many requests. As mentioned earlier, Children in Need of multiple appts is one thing, and we are fully capable of this. We also want to be there for them.

I also recall the importance of routine especially for foster children. This is impossible if we were to play Taxi to all their random requests. Even if they provided transport. It is not in the best interest of the child. Usually that is what the parents are being trained for because they aren't aware of the correct, healthy way to raise children. Perhaps, instead of following their every request, they should be teaching them about moderation, so the children can return sooner to a safe and calm environment. This truly is not all about me. I really want them to be learning as they go through this process so they can get their kids back and keep them for good. No returns needed.

c.a- The requests are coming from the visit supervisor. They pass on all requests, comments, complaints, etc. Even called me with mother talking to me in back ground. We have requested that all this go to CW. She can sift through and pass on needed requests.

[cabbagepatchkid]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Personally, I"ve never heard of a parent asking a foster parent to make a special trip to a photo studio, or to a barber for a specific type of new haircut, and I wouldn't do it. I think it's ridiculous, with the hours we already put in to drive to therapy, doctors, visits, etc. I'm surprised by the number of posters who don't think that's a problem. I barely have time to take my kids to photo sessions and hairdressing appointments that *I* arrange - can you imagine if you have 4 or 5 foster kiddos, and they all had these kinds of "extra" requests???

Yup....what she said . I couldn't have said it better myself.

[vegaschristina]

For a while, I was supervising the visits with my fc's bmom. I had a coupon for a free portrait that I wasn't going to use and I offered to supervise her visit at the mall, in the portait studio so she could have a portait done of her & Bubba. She jumped at the chance and then never showed up.

I don't jump thru hoops for my kids' bmom, but then again, we're past relinquishment and any time we give her is at my discretion, not the CW's.

[hesabanana]

I, as usual, agree with Boulderbabe...save the ammo for the nuclear explosion.
But, now that I know these requests are coming from the visit supervisor, this puts a whole new spin on things for me. The visit supervisor is simply supposed to supervise the visit and report to the cw regarding bmom's parenting ability, bonding, etc....she is not the middle man. I can't imagine why she would put herself in that position, but clearly she is. I see that you have asked her to go through the cw, but I would also give the cw a heads up....sounds like you don't even know how cw feels about all this. You may be surprised by her reaction.
On a side note, I have been following your threads with interest of late. No one has been more frustrated with my fkids' bparents and cw (more importantly) than I, and if you look at my signature and read my posts from a few years ago, you'll see why. My advice is to remember a few things to help keep your sanity: 1. This is the sickest system in existence....I've worked in prison, and Childrens Services is far sicker than that. 2. The people in power in this sick system have their own agendas beyond what is in the best interests of the involved children. 3. None of this is about you. It feels VERY personal, but it's not. 4. People on this forum really are here to support you. There are no others that better understand where you are at than we do. That being said, we'll also give you a kick in the pants as needed, and that's awfully helpful sometimes too.
Good luck sister...hang in there.

[KelleyF]

I would NEVER allow myself to be bossed around by the bparents, and my cw would never expect me to. If they ever asked the me to do the things they are asking you to do, it would have to be requested through the cw, not me...and the cw wouldn't even bother to ask me because it would never be expected of me. They would have to do that on their own time. I also can't believe how many posters say they would do it with no problem. The agency expects us to treat our fc like they are our own, which we do. That means they trust our judgement when we deal with dr. appts and the health issues of the child. Since the child lives with us, and we spend a significantly more amount of time with our fc than the bio's, they assume we know their health conditions very well and they trust our judgement more than a bio parent who sees them once a week or so. Lets not forget that these kids are in foster care for a reason. Opening up your home and heart to your fc and taking care of their medical and personell needs is all that is expected. Loving them is going above and beyond what is expected and it's pretty obvious you're doing that too.

[HopingforAlex]

I have read a few of your posts Lowlanders and I think perhaps you were misled in training. Everything we are told is that while a child is in Foster Care and therefore a ward of the state, whatever their biological parents want for them, they get. BECAUSE the ultimate goal is reunification. So if bio mom has too many appointments or is missing visits, the best thing to do is document them. Contact your case worker and tell her you are no longer able to drive your Foster Child to and from visits with bio parents.

It is then up to them to make those arrangements.

On the flip side, if your bio child was removed for whatever reason (and there's other reasons than being weak parents or drug abusers)... and you were fighting to get them back, if you saw a bump on them or a bruise or a fingernail that wasn't growing how you remember it, YOU would probably demand mulitple trips to the doctor as well. Even if there is nothing wrong, taking your foster child can only alleviate unwarranted fears by her mother.

I know it's annoying and it doesn't fit into your schedule very well... but there are options.

[thelowlanders]

Thank you for the replies.

Oh...and yes, this caseworker in particular has said it's the parents right to request and apparently get many things. So she backs them up. I'm mainly trying to figure out where my responsibility lies w/ the b-mom's agenda.

I understand they are not mine. But as of right now, they are not the b-parents either. They are the states right? And they were taken away for one reason or another. In this case very serious reasons. You'd think most of their rights would be on hold for now.
?????

[mommytoEli]

as long as she was paying for the portraits....i would take them wherever and in whatever she requested...these are still her children. i never had a parent request this, so i always did portraits on my dime at my place in my outfits and just sent some to the parents, but i think it would have been reasonable had they wanted something else. maybe all the kids in that family have taken a picture in that outfit...who knows....i've done some pretty interesting things to the baby in my house as far as pictures go...he has worn all sorts of crazy outfits...even out of season, so that i can have pictures of him in the same outfits as his brothers. it makes me happy. on the other hand, if i honeslty felt like transporting them places was out of hand, i'd ask for assistance. the baby i have now was transported to his visits by a social worker. my placements before him were also transported by a worker. the visits were far and the parents were unpredictable. this allowed ME to maintain some schedule so that when they came back home we jumped back in, instead of me trying to recover from the big trip. maybe they will do this in your situation? it is worth asking about.

[fredalina]

i'm not a foster parent yet, so you can take my comments for what they're worth. That being said, i offer a completely non-biased perspective.

It seems to me that no one thing you've mentioned (make-up visits, portraits, hair cuts, etc) is really over the line at all. The volume of them when put together may very well be, particularly with other kids, spouses, jobs, etc in the household. But individually, it's not too much to ask for one more doctor's appointment for something that birthmom is worried about. It's not too much to ask for a haircut of the style birthmom prefers. It's not too much to ask for portraits taken in an outfit of birthmom's choice. Having portraits done in a weird outfit or having a bad haircut is not going to hurt the child, so it's not really too much to ask for on the grand scale.

Since your caseworker supports the requests, apparently, you can't do much other than ask for help, suck it up, or have him removed. Honestly i think this is becoming a power play between you and birthmom. It's pretty normal for birthmom to get into a power play since she has so little re: her son that she can control. Not saying it's okay, but it's understandable on some level considering she's probably not a very mature person or she would still have custody of her son. But you don't have to let it be a power play with you.

If there's not enough time in the week, ask for a supervised visit to be done at the hairdresser or the portrait studio or the doctor's office so that you can kill two birds with one stone where possible. Let the cw know that you will do what you can to accommodate but that your time is limited and you'd like some help or some reasonable limits, and hope the cw "gets it."

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

I understand they are not mine. But as of right now, they are not the b-parents either. They are the states right? And they were taken away for one reason or another. In this case very serious reasons. You'd think most of their rights would be on hold for now.
?????

It sounds almost like you think CPS should be punishing the parents of kids in foster care by not letting them have any say over their children. When a parent loses temporary custody to CPS, they are not being convicted of anything. They are still that child's parents. The children do not belong to the state, at least not before and until TPR happens. They are only in the temporary custody and guardianship of the state.

The main goal of the foster-care system is reunification of families, the preservation of the family unit. Punishing parents by withholding visitation is definitely not the way to preserve the family. The parents *should* be involved in making some of the parenting decisions while their kids are in foster care. No citizen in this country should lose all their legal rights without benefit of due process or a criminal trial in which they are judged by a jury of their peers.

Not all parents who have had children removed from the home by CPS are child abusers. Often times, domestic abuse perpetrated against the mother is involved. It isn't always about child abuse or child neglect.

When I was a CASA volunteer, I saw my share of cases that should never have been involved in CPS to begin with. I saw one mom and dad lose their three kids when the oldest child (10 year-old boy) was caught inappropriately touching his 6-year-old sister. They eventually got all three kids back, but let me tell you, it was a nightmare for them. And these were really good people, really good parents. There was no history of substance abuse of any kind, neglect or abuse of any kind. There was just the one incident of sexual exploration between the two kids.

Most biological parents of foster children are not monsters. And no, in my opinion, they should not automatically lose all rights related to parenting simply because CPS places their kids in temporary foster care.

[thelowlanders]

Excellent points.

...and no, I do not think they should be punishing them. That was not said at all I believe. (but I'll check again)
I really believe in innocent until proven guilty. Even if the physical and emotional scars are abvious, there is still much to find out about who, what where why etc.
It's the temporary custody of the state part, that just seems to obviously mean losing **alot** but not all parental rights ***for the time being ***until things are sorted out. Apparantly that just all depends on the CW.

I know what the main goal is, I realize not all are abusers, and am aware that at times their children should never have been taken. These were not mentioned as every case facts.

It is hard for me to wrap my mind around people being suppportive of bparents full rights in cases where there's proven severe physical and emotional abuse w/ children living in horrifying conditions though. (Like our FS) "My child is physically scarred, mentally and developmentally behind, but by God I want this,this,this,etc." I'm completely baffled. I'm really trying to understand as I read different posts. I appreciate the different forms of insight.

Just realized reading over my posts that I've already stated multiple times about parental rights and never mentioned wanting them to lose all their rights. Please read carefully what is typed and I'll do my best to do the same. Regards.