[AmahMama]

When I started fostering - I had no REAL idea how much time it took. I am amazed that working single people are able to fit it all in and work at the same time! Once I started fostering - I wondered how I raised my children and worked at the same time! LOL

Sometimes when an unwarrented request comes in the form of demands - it is very hard to wrap ourselves around them - and do it nicely.

I believe that bioP's requests should be made to the cw and it is the cw's job to arrange or deny the request. I am a foster parent - I am not the person that will give permission for the bioP to arrive at a photo studio, a MD appt, or a barber shop without the permission of the cw, and if the visits are to be supervised by the agency - the bioP's are in violation for showing up there. If the court ordered agency supervision - then the agency must be there to supervise. So, if they have to be there anyway - why not coordinate it as time management for all involved?

I was/am always annoyed by the visit no-shows and then expecting a "make-up" visit at a different time - AFTER the no-show. Not call ahead and reschedule - but expect the system to work around them without taking the rest of the blended family into consideration.

After having children from 3 different families, on 3 different schedules, with 3 different everythings - I opted to take only sibling groups.... at least then they were all at the same time. I transported when I could - which was most of the time - but this was my choice.

I must have a problem too - because after over 50 children - my back still goes up and I need to vent when I am ordered to take my and my families time to do something that I feel is unreasonable. Most times I am fine if asked - or I have some sort of input.

I have used this forum many, many times to vent... with confidentiality being what it is - this is one of the few places (and my dh gets tired of hearing it LOL) that I can vent and others actually understand what my issue is. I vent and then hopefully get over it. And yes, many of my vents are over bio's. I am not "bashing" as many would have it - it just seems to go with the territory - many of the things about the bio's are irksome at one time or another during placements.

I have had many, many children transition home, several on to adoption, and the rest went to relatives. I've been involved in many of the sicknesses of this particular system, and I also have been part of the successes and happiness. I still have contact with many of the children via parents (both bio and ad) and I love seeing how these little babies that I held and loved have grown into such breathtaking little people!!

So now I will get off of my soapbox - sorry it is so long!

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by AmahMama

When I started fostering - I had no REAL idea how much time it took. I am amazed that working single people are able to fit it all in and work at the same time! Once I started fostering - I wondered how I raised my children and worked at the same time! LOL

Sometimes when an unwarrented request comes in the form of demands - it is very hard to wrap ourselves around them - and do it nicely.

I believe that bioP's requests should be made to the cw and it is the cw's job to arrange or deny the request. I am a foster parent - I am not the person that will give permission for the bioP to arrive at a photo studio, a MD appt, or a barber shop without the permission of the cw, and if the visits are to be supervised by the agency - the bioP's are in violation for showing up there. If the court ordered agency supervision - then the agency must be there to supervise. So, if they have to be there anyway - why not coordinate it as time management for all involved?

I was/am always annoyed by the visit no-shows and then expecting a "make-up" visit at a different time - AFTER the no-show. Not call ahead and reschedule - but expect the system to work around them without taking the rest of the blended family into consideration.

After having children from 3 different families, on 3 different schedules, with 3 different everythings - I opted to take only sibling groups.... at least then they were all at the same time. I transported when I could - which was most of the time - but this was my choice.

I must have a problem too - because after over 50 children - my back still goes up and I need to vent when I am ordered to take my and my families time to do something that I feel is unreasonable. Most times I am fine if asked - or I have some sort of input.

I have used this forum many, many times to vent... with confidentiality being what it is - this is one of the few places (and my dh gets tired of hearing it LOL) that I can vent and others actually understand what my issue is. I vent and then hopefully get over it. And yes, many of my vents are over bio's. I am not "bashing" as many would have it - it just seems to go with the territory - many of the things about the bio's are irksome at one time or another during placements.

I have had many, many children transition home, several on to adoption, and the rest went to relatives. I've been involved in many of the sicknesses of this particular system, and I also have been part of the successes and happiness. I still have contact with many of the children via parents (both bio and ad) and I love seeing how these little babies that I held and loved have grown into such breathtaking little people!!

So now I will get off of my soapbox - sorry it is so long!

I think most here would agree with what you wrote. We all appreciate getting to vent occassionally so I really don't think that was the issue.

I think the misunderstanding here lay with whether we thought the requests made by the birth mother was "reasonable" or whether she should not be allowed to make these requests because she was a "bad" mother. I personally thought all the extras that the birth mother the OP referred to was NOT unreasonable as a mother. I thought that it was unreasonable of DFCS or CPS (or whatever their child protective services is called) to expect that from the foster mother, since SHE was the one carrying the burden of doing all these extras. She still has other members of her family to take care of...

Beyond that, the issue escalated into whether the birth parents are just awful humans because they neglect/abuse their kids, who deserve nothing or whether they deserve our compassion and understanding.

To be honest, I'd have a very hard time with sexually abusive parents. That's where I'd have a hard time mentally, feeling any sympathy with them. So far, the Lord has not placed any children in our home with that type of abuse, so we've not dealt with it.

But most parents are obviously not sexual abusers. So I feel the children and the parents I've dealt with will benefit the most from compassion and understanding rather than ridicule.

[yorkiegirl]

How did you ladies find an agency?? Its not DFS?? Amazing, really I didnt know. DFS demanded 3 visit a week plus get kids to all appt.Take them to parents home, let parent come to yours.Gave parents our phone number which they used non stop.Plus we had to supervise visits and everynight 7 days a week phones calls and we had to listen in.Where do you find an agency??????????

[Boulderbabe]

Yorkiegirl,

The court sets the number of visits. Whether you use an agency or not, that stays the same.

What changes is who does the supervising. For example, I don't supervise visits. Ever. DSS here doesn't ask us to, but even if they did, I wouldn't. I also don't give bfamilies my address, allow them to come to my home, or go to their homes. We're not asked to here, but even if I were asked to, I wouldn't--at least not at first, until I really knew the bfamily well.

I have been asked to give out my phone number to bparents. I don't do it until I know them quite well, and can trust that they'll use it responsibly. But I have given it out to some of my kids' bfamilies in the past, after I knew them.

DSS can't force you do to any of this. They can *ask* you to do it. And you can say no. It's their choice then whether they want to move the kids, or even give you a placement. I'm fine with that---I have my boundaries, and if DSS doesn't like them, they are free to find another foster family.

[jphollen]

We have a little of both here some cases are fast tracked for r/u and you are expected to co-parent (you know this ahead of time and I have only done it once) other times bios aren't told much about where the kids are and who were are and we don't have much interaction with them.

If you search foster care in your state you should be able to find private agencies. In IL its something like fosterkidsareourkids.org and they list private organizations who have foster care programs. I haven't had great experience working with the state (it's not really the county here it's the state divided into regions but I know other states it's the county social services) but maybe other people have. ?

[fredalina]

In my state, the state public agencies (it's state here as well, not county by county, though there are workers in each county) handle most if not all of the Level 1 cases and some of the Level II cases. Some Level II and all Level III cases are subcontracted to private agencies (i know of two but i believe there are more). The private agencies run group homes and also recruit foster parents to foster their kids who aren't in need of institutionalization any longer.

Since i'm not an experienced parent much less foster parent, i'd prefer to handle Level I cases. Of course, some kids new to care may be elevated and i may still foster them if they were in my care from the beginning, but that's my perfect world.

i believe there are states where there are foster/adopt infants available through private agencies, but that's not the case here to my knowledge. It's generally the medically fragile or those with high behavioral or developmental issues.

i reserve the right to switch to a private agency lol, once i know what i've gotten myself into.

[jphollen]

Originally Posted by fredalina

In my state, the state public agencies (it's state here as well, not county by county, though there are workers in each county) handle most if not all of the Level 1 cases and some of the Level II cases. Some Level II and all Level III cases are subcontracted to private agencies (i know of two but i believe there are more). The private agencies run group homes and also recruit foster parents to foster their kids who aren't in need of institutionalization any longer.

Since i'm not an experienced parent much less foster parent, i'd prefer to handle Level I cases. Of course, some kids new to care may be elevated and i may still foster them if they were in my care from the beginning, but that's my perfect world.

i believe there are states where there are foster/adopt infants available through private agencies, but that's not the case here to my knowledge. It's generally the medically fragile or those with high behavioral or developmental issues.

i reserve the right to switch to a private agency lol, once i know what i've gotten myself into.

Oh ok I think I get it. I wish they would stream line some of this stuff it varies so much from state to state. Here we have traditional foster care and specialized foster care. Not all private agencies don't do spec care (medical/behavioral), but all have infants available at one time or another.

[yorkiegirl]

Where I am from abuse has to be pretty severe.They won't removed a child for homelessness or lack of money-they will help.In the kiddos we fostered the parents had years yes years before the children were removed.That was because the beatings got so severe the agency itself would be in trouble.I felt alot of grief for the parents.I reached out to them beyond what I thought I could.I have cried, hugged, mentored them, as best I could.The mom truly did not want them back, dad didnt know this.She would desparetly call me when he left, she said she missed her childhood and now getting them back shed miss out again.She too had beaten her child as well as step dad and she admits it happned alot.He didnt get to go to school much and fell thru the cracks, teachers tried all they could.
They are in a different foster home, parents go so threatening they had to go to a different town.But not all are poor parents.You can try, to see their point of veiw, but when it keep bshing you in the face and the kids hide to avoid visits and no one listens, it does get very hard to sympathize any longer.

[yorkiegirl]

Boulderbabe:

The court in our case did not set the number of visits.I went to court everytime.The judge simply stated the kids stay in foster care and stay in the home they are in.
The team meetings are where visits were decided.If I didnt agree which I didnt always with times or dates it was a huge inconvience I was told this is how its gonna be.I may not hae been forced but I was new and felt forced, when they voted and all but us agreed we didnt get a choice.My husband gets his son every other weekend.We have always gone together to get him.One of the three visits were set at 15 minutes before we were to leave and get him.I asked for a different time or possibly the day before I was told NO absolutely not ask his mom to change her time, which she did.
Now with new foster parents they refused to do 3 and are doing one per week no phone calls.We had to call every night 7 days a week.It does happen it DID happen and NO court ordered this.

[Boulderbabe]

Uggh, YorkieGirl. Sounds like the court has delegated to these Family Planning Meetings in ways that aren't healthy for anybody. What can you do? If the system really won't bend, if the SW really won't listen to you, then all you can say is, "here's the line. We can't do this. If you need it done this way, find somebody else."

[thelowlanders]

It's amazing what change takes place when you take the threat away from them that they're "going to move the kids" if you don't comply stuff. When you're the ones that say, this is what will work for us, if that's not ok, then I'll have them packed in 30 minutes. They kinda have a "heart change" . There's no threats left in the bag.

But, I've only done this with a VERY screamy baby I only had 1-2 weeks so far. Doing this w/ a child who's been here longer would be much harder to pretend I didn't care so much. Because of course....I do. And they know it.

[sarai7]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Munchausen by Proxy, also known as Factitious Disorder by Proxy, is an extremely serious allegation for a layman to bring against a bio-parent. It sounds like the child's bumps have still not cleared up, and the bio-mom is worried about them. This is not the definition of Munchausen by Proxy.

Most children who have been medically harmed by their parents due to Munchausen by Proxy improve dramatically once they're placed in foster care. This is because the parent no longer has access to the child in order to make him sick.

I would be really careful before advising anybody to make unfounded accusations of this type. Just my two cents for what it's worth. (And, yes, I've taken care of kids in a medical setting who've been made extremely ill due to MBP.)

I think she was being facetious

[Crissy011]

I found this thread to be very interesting with all the very different opinions & just wanted to add my two cents...I do have sympathy for those people that are addicted to drugs or alcohol or in an abusive relationship. However, when they get involved in these things and bring children into it, I have NO sympathy at all. You children come first...no excuses, end of story. That is what being a parent is about. If you cannot do that for whatever reason, you do not deserve to have children. But, I am not a foster parent because of my beliefs. I couldn't do it. However, I admire those of you who do....these children need you.