[thelowlanders]

Haha I got played last week. Have you ever had B-parents find a way to contact you or show up at a doctor visit when they weren't suppose to?

Were you surprised by how little to none they were in trouble for it?

Whew! I say we won't be available for a visit the day before thanksgiving and all heck breaks loose. I get yelled at over the phone, and war lines have been drawn by the office. But if B-parent plays tricky games and finds out where we live, basically putting our safety in question.............I guess that's a no biggy?

What's your experience?

[CaddoRose]

Your SW really needs to get a backbone. She should tell them without a doubt that going to your home, showing up anywhere the kids are without consent from her or anything like that will be viewed as stalking by the court.

As for the missing the visit, they should have arranged a different day for the visit. Sometimes the foster family has other places to be that will interfere with the regular day and they should make the effort to find a suitable substitute day.

If bios show up at your house call the police asap. We informed our local office that we were foster parents so they would know when we called that it was a big problem. They were happy to know about us.

[thelowlanders]

Excellent idea

[TxMom65]

The bio family of my daughter tracked down the foster parents she had while in care, showed up at ball games, ect. In the end, it was one of the factors that kept him from getting the kids (not the only one) and the main factor that he was not considered for allowing contact.

So in our case, it came back on him. He has also tracked us down, called, and showed up at my job within the last 2 weeks, but that is all another story. I told him that this very behavior is why we were advised by everyone to completely close the adoption and keep it that way.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by CaddoRose

Your SW really needs to get a backbone. She should tell them without a doubt that going to your home, showing up anywhere the kids are without consent from her or anything like that will be viewed as stalking by the court. .

My foster son's b-mom knows where I live. The sw said to her "If you show up at their home, the foster mom has been instructed to call the police. The baby will then be moved to another home"

In my case, the foster mom likes me and knows her baby is happy here -so she wouldn't risk a surprise visit. However, that may not work with other b-parents who don't care if the kids are moved. They might be deterred by the police, though, if they know the cops will be called.

[thelowlanders]

Well, I'll contact the police station tomorrow for a heads up. In the mean time I'm answering the door with my 3 dogs every time. I'm guessing the bumper sticker on my SUV is good enough deterrent. It says "Criminals prefer unarmed victims" And No......I'm not saying his fam are criminals before I get hounded AGAIN like one of my other threads . But this bumper sticker has truly saved me a few times. Seriously.

[Boulderbabe]

I really want to tell you something, in the most caring of all possible ways. I'm not picking on you---I'm worried about you.

You seem to have gotten to a really confrontational place with your kids' bparents. I totally sympathize with you. With my son's bdad, or my fdaughter's bmom, I was just so incredibly ANGRY at them. I was furious about what they'd done to the kids, furious that they had the gall to criticize my parenting, furious that they were running me from pillar to post with their ridiculous requests. So absolutely, I have 100% been where you are, and I totally understand it.

The thing is, all that fury and anger and bitterness really took a toll on my kids. I only figured it out later. But my son's acting out in day care, my fdaughter's timidity and hiding---those things were all related to my anger and frustration. I tried to hide it from them, but you know kids...they know everything that goes on in a house.

It really wasn't good for me, either. I turned into somebody I didn't recognize and didn't like. My blood pressure SOARED, and I'm still on medication for it. It was just a crummy place to be, and I didn't get much fun out of it, either. In retrospect, I so completely wished I'd backed away from my anger, worked on letting things go, and stopped chewing over every. little. slight from the bparents. Were their comments and requests reasonable? Of course not. They were flaming nuts. Duh (I tell myself), that's why the kids were in foster care!

My son's bmom still tries to get under my skin sometimes. We call every few months, even though TPR was 3 years ago. She'll try to needle me every so on. Okay, whatever. If she was Mom of the Year, I wouldn't have her kid. I feel better letting a lot of this roll off my back, and I only wish I'd adopted the policy of saying "whatever!" a lot earlier.

If you get anything out of my experience, and it helps you back away from a war with the bparents, what I went through won't have been a total waste. For you, for your kids..... I hope you find some peace.

[Singlemom619]

I couldn't even put all of what happen in here but yes I was played.

AUNT was suppose to get custody. She had unsupervised visits and would pick up FS10 from me and drop him off - ended up being like every weekend. Well she started talking to me and then coming in to talk all the time. She would tell me all this stuff about Bfamily and how they were racist etc. She would tell me SW told her all kinds of things and since parts of what she told me I KNEW the SW said I believed the rest.

I ended up getting in a big thing with the SW because they weren't allowing a visit for the holiday even though he'd had weekend visits and he was asking for the holiday. What was the difference if it was a holiday or the weekend.

Turns out the aunt NEVER ASKED for the visit and then when the SW asked her the Aunt didn't want to comply with the guidelines of who could be there. BUT AUNT was only telling me that she kept asking and SW wouldn't let her because it was a holiday.

THEN FS said he didn't want to go. He wouldn't say why at first but then later we found out that she would go days without talking to him and she would yell at him and try to pit him against us and he knew it was wrong. So SW said no visit.

THEN found out all of the things aunt said were all lies - in fact SHE was the racist one. Aunt then called and said she was coming over and wanted FS to tell her to her face that he didn't want to go with her. I told her no, she said I was brain washing him etc, I said SW said no visit and my job was to do what she said and put HIS needs first (he was shaking and scared to see her.) She threatened all kinds of things and then wrote a FOUR PAGE letter to the MAYOR full of all kinds of crazy allegations.

It was obvious she was crazy, (They later found that she had a mental illness) she was removed from being a placement option... and I learned.

BUT that was over like 3 months of craziness. NEVER again will I fall for something like that.

[potentialsinglemom]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

I really want to tell you something, in the most caring of all possible ways. I'm not picking on you---I'm worried about you.

You seem to have gotten to a really confrontational place with your kids' bparents. I totally sympathize with you. With my son's bdad, or my fdaughter's bmom, I was just so incredibly ANGRY at them. I was furious about what they'd done to the kids, furious that they had the gall to criticize my parenting, furious that they were running me from pillar to post with their ridiculous requests. So absolutely, I have 100% been where you are, and I totally understand it.

The thing is, all that fury and anger and bitterness really took a toll on my kids. I only figured it out later. But my son's acting out in day care, my fdaughter's timidity and hiding---those things were all related to my anger and frustration. I tried to hide it from them, but you know kids...they know everything that goes on in a house.

It really wasn't good for me, either. I turned into somebody I didn't recognize and didn't like. My blood pressure SOARED, and I'm still on medication for it. It was just a crummy place to be, and I didn't get much fun out of it, either. In retrospect, I so completely wished I'd backed away from my anger, worked on letting things go, and stopped chewing over every. little. slight from the bparents. Were their comments and requests reasonable? Of course not. They were flaming nuts. Duh (I tell myself), that's why the kids were in foster care!

My son's bmom still tries to get under my skin sometimes. We call every few months, even though TPR was 3 years ago. She'll try to needle me every so on. Okay, whatever. If she was Mom of the Year, I wouldn't have her kid. I feel better letting a lot of this roll off my back, and I only wish I'd adopted the policy of saying "whatever!" a lot earlier.

If you get anything out of my experience, and it helps you back away from a war with the bparents, what I went through won't have been a total waste. For you, for your kids..... I hope you find some peace.

I am more concerned about "lowlanders" health and the stress she is dealing with during her pregnancy. I have been reading your threads and I mean this with all the respect and love I can extend to you. But...is it possible that hormones are kicking in and causing some hypersensitivy to the drama you having right how. You have posted quite a bit in the past couple of days and I am glad that you are using this as an outlet. But, it is evident that something going on. Your frustration is felt in your postings.

I know you love these children but is there another solution for a short term...maybe some respite. It does not seem that the CWs are working with you. In the past, had you overextended yourself by being willing to do any and everything the parents and CWs requested? We teach people how to treat and respect us, and others tend to expect consistency whenever you've been so compliant in the past.

When the baby comes these same problems will still be there. I am worried that you have issues with balancing the crying of your own biobaby at night and the constant complaints of the FC parents during the day.

[thelowlanders]

Thank you for the concern and heads up.

I think we've started out at this fostering being extremely compliant. Now trying to backtrack and set boundaries w/ all the workers is turning out to be near impossible.

All the input has been very helpful. I will not do power struggles, think as best of the bioparents as possible, focus on their accomplishments and beautiful children, and take a day at a time.

I hope my last post was not too offensive. I just mean it really has saved my life. I've been faced w/ life and death situations and had to call them on their bluff. This baby's father is someone known for doing this kind of behavior on a regular basis. So, I just want him to do the right thing, work on his plan, and not get himself into trouble. I don't think they're giving him anymore chances, but i don't want him to take the brunt of his anger out on our family when he finds out. Which we hear he is fully capable of. Ok....sorry. All this explanation to help you understand where I'm coming from. I don't judge him. He had a horrible start in life. But am not wanting to take on his anger.

Oh. PS. So far, blood pressure is excellent Thanks for the heads up

[potentialsinglemom]

No, No offense, just worried. If you are okay. We are okay.