[thelowlanders]

Seriously! The biological mom wants me to shave or crew cut her 10 month olds head. Don't I have any say in this? I'm the one who has to live with the reactions of "What the heck were you thinking?" while going around with this poor baby and his trashy hair cut.

Is there anyone with experience on this? I need input fast. They're wanting it done soon. I keep making and cancelling the appointment. I just can't do this to a baby. Help...

PS. I know there's bigger issues in foster care than this and I probably sound silly. It just seems wrong. Plus, this is not part of the culture we choose to raise our children in.

[shy_bear]

I believe the bp's have the say in what the child's hair looks like. My son is 17mths and has had his hair in a high and tight since he was about 7mths old. It looks great on him; I would go for the crew cut!

[athikers]

What does a crew cut have to do with culture? My husband shaves his head every few months... he has a master's degree, is articulate and darn good looking. I don't really get what you are insinuating.

You don't have the right to make decisions about the child's hair, it is the birth parents right.

I had a foster son for 7 months that had long curly blonde hair because I was not allowed to cut it. People stared. That's not my issue, that's their issue.

[c.a]

Oh - I do share your pain on this one.

I'm not sure what the rule is in your state, but here we must get permission from the birthparents before every hair cut or change in hair style and must comply with any requests for hair cuts from birth parents.

It drove my husband (who has long hair) particularly nuts when our son was a foster child. Once the adoption was final we grew his hair long long long.

The rule came about I think to prevent a foster parent from making hair style choices that the birthparent would find culturally insensitive. Hair does seem to be a big issue.

[devildogwife]

Is it part of the bio parents culture though? My BIL is from central America and his head was shaved as a baby, in the belief the hair would grow in thicker. It was also common on an Indian reservation I worked on too.

I understand you not wanting to do it though. My son is Native American and I'm sure not shaving his head!

[mamallama]

I found your post to be very insulting. xxx is an awful term for your foster child's parents. It actually made me cringe. Your whole post felt so ugly and hateful. I think you need to worry less about reactions of others. One of my favorite sayings is "It doesn't matter what is on your head, it's about what is in it." I was personally offended that you called short or shaved hair cuts trashy and I'm sure others here will be too. Also, what do you mean by this statement?

Plus, this is not part of the culture we choose to raise our children in.

I am trying not to read between the lines here but I have to tell you, that sounds awful too. And just FYI, this precious baby isn't your child, he's your foster child. Part of being a successful foster parent is embracing your child's culture. I'm trying not be a judgmental witch here but you don't strike me as someone who really gets what fostering parent is all about and it sounds like you struggle with being compassionate and understanding.

[HappyTwinsMom]

As far as the child's hair, his mom is still his mom until the court says otherwise - so she gets to make the choice. Try not to worry so much about what other people think. Life is certainly too short for that.

Good luck!

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

Don't I have any say in this? I'm the one who has to live with the reactions of "What the h*&! were you thinking?" while going around with this poor baby and his trashy hair cut.

No, you don't have any say in the matter. His mother has the right to style her son's hair any way she wants. Also, many little kids have buzz cuts...they're especially popular among military families in our area. They aren't trashy at all.

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

PS. I know there's bigger issues in foster care than this and I probably sound silly. It just seems wrong. Plus, this is not part of the culture we choose to raise our children in.

First of all, your foster son is not your son as of yet. He is your foster child. I'm not sure what type of culture you're referring to. Perhaps you could elaborate for us...

[EZ2Luv]

OUCH!!!!!! How demeaning. Regardless of how you feel about these people they ARE the child's parents.

EZ

[fredalina]

Wow, when we were going through foster classes, they gave a whole long lecture about the use of positive language and the impact of language on the child. This woman is the child's mother, his parent, and you are his temporary caregiver. Even if this should become permanent, the woman who gave your child his life should be given the respect of another term like "birth mother" or "first mother" or at least "biological mother".

[Chancey]

I'm shocked at how you refer to the parents of this child. They are first and foremost the child's parents!!

Additionally, this child is not yours so you don't get to make the decisions. Moreover, I wonder at your selfishness and question your motivation and abilities to foster with these kinds of thoughts and comments.

Fostering is a temporary home to keep children safe until they are reunited with their parents. You MUST remember this.

[mamallama]

Here are a couple of good articles that talk about positive adoption/foster care language

Positive Adoption Language (TARE)

Positive Adoption Language -

[Mommy24]

I have edited the OP and replaced the offensive term with "biological mom". Please remember that respectful participation is a requirement at Adoption.com and while everyone is entitled to their opinion it must be stated respectfully.

Let's move on from the "title" issue and give the OP the opinions she is looking for.

Thanks!

[Boulderbabe]

Okay, back on the haircut issue....

My son currently has a crew cut. So does his best friend. The reason why? They gave themselves some GORGEOUS haircuts all on their own last week!

There are tons of little kids who have very short hair for one reason or another. I wouldn't get in a twist about it. I can see that you think it's a class marker---that upper middle class kids don't wear their hair that way---but honestly, tons of them do. And at 10 months old, half the kids don't have any hair anyway.

Ride with it for now. After you adopt, you can do whatever you want.

[bethy724]

The hair cut - it is the biological parents call - I don't know where a crew cut is part of any ONE culture - I've seen every color, race, religion w/ shaved hair - unless there is a lightning bolt or a letter in it - what's wrong w/ a crew cut? It's easier to care for anyway.