[Mommyofthreetobe]

These kids are driving me totally, 100% insane!!!!

Here's whats happening- kids were having weekly visits with B-mom. They were honestly kinda little terrors and we went through no less than 6 babysitters since May. It takes them a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time to warm up and accept athority, which I understand, given all the situations. Well, about a month and a half ago, B-mom went AWOL, and parental rights were finally terminated (without goning specifics of the situation)During this time the childrne where not having their visits and turned into little angels. Like a total turn-around. Like, everyone was commenting on it.

HOWEVER, its been decided that its in the best interest of the children to continue with weekly visits. Which resumed two weeks ago...and the kids are back to being monsters. Ill define monsters as violent, abusive to one another, the three year old has started dumping everything out of every container, breaking anything she can touch and using screeching to send her messages rather than her words. She has also reverted to soiling her pants one or two times a day (she was doing this before and then stopped when the visits stopped) The eight year old is throwing tantrums all the time, which is totally new. Last night she could not find her gear for practice so she hid under her bed and screamed and cried inconsolably for 15 minuets despite my best efforts to coax her out. She pretty much stayed in that attitude all night.

Its really getting exasperating, the three year old in particular....I've never wanted to hit a child in my life but sometimes I find myself fantasizing about it...okay, maybe fantasize is too strong a word...but sometimes...like the other day when she painted her sisters walls and carpet with fingernail polish---OMG.

Pleas remind me that this is all normal behavior, because i just feel like Im going to lose my mind! I know there are sweet loving children in there somewhere...Im being just as patient as I can. Hugging them when what I really want to do is scream, telling a silly joke when I actually want to say something mean. I really am bonded with these children, I'm sure it does not sound like it from this post- but I can't imagine life without them at this point.

I've reported all these things to their case worker, and so has the woman who supervises the visits. There is no abuse going on during the visit. They are not bad kids. I think the children are just confused an anxious. The powers that be say the visits are going to be dropped down to every two weeks soon, maybe after the holidays. Sometimes I feel like I just need a break....but like I said, having a really hard time keeping a sitter.

So, words of encouragement? PLEASE!!!!

[mrstkg1]

I sooooooooo feel your pain. My 3 and 4 yo are driving us up a wall. TPR next month and hopefully off to grandmas in February. We're really wondering if we can hang in there that long. I think we are going to write off having a great Christmas, plus our Christmas vacation is going to be the vacation from H---. We are trying to avoid the kids being moved again because we are their 3rd foster home. Oh, dear!!! They are not evil kids, I think we are just worn down trying to deal with them on a daily basis.

[hrisme]

Don't suppose you're lucky enough to have a crisis nursery in the area? Or perhaps you could talk with DCFS & see if they have any individuals licensed for respite? I'm guessing you've already talked to the caseworker about options like this, but thought I would throw it out there just in case.

Don't know that I would term the kids behaviors as normal, but your stress is normal enough! Even as a respite provider, knowing I get to leave soon, I've reached the point where I've had to walk out of the room or call someone to back me up because I'm on the verge of loosing it with a child. Parents with "typical" children go through this, those dealing with children who have major behavioral issues don't have to be immune! I haven't seen any form that implies you can't FEEL like strangling a child, just the extensive training which indicates we can't actually DO it! As a therapist once told me when I frantically set up an emergency visit because hitting a certain child did cross my mind (after he shoved another child to the cement & then proceeded to punch him in the stomach--this was a four year old, a very large child, picking on a 3-year-old who was much smaller & hadn't done anything to instigate the incident) thoughts do NOT equal actions.

[CaddoRose]

It is normal unfortunately. Another poster, "Thelowlanders" has posted about her 3 yr old FD who has begun peeing in places other that where she should after visits started again. My FD has begun to have behavior problems too recently after visits. Visits are for the parents, not the kids. They feel conflicted and angry because no matter what the parent did, they have feelings for them and they are not in control of the situation. Those emotions have to come out somewhere and in young children it comes out in behaviors. I wish any of us figure out how to help them and curb the bad behavior.

[thelowlanders]

I've even went as far as to ask the caseworker if this visit thing is really necessary. Fd is almost 3, knows who her bio mother is and won't forget, and can't we just wait for her mom to jump through the mandatory hoops and get her back when she does. Not emotionally stress out this little girl and foster fam in the whole process of keeping bio contributor happy.....

There was of course no response to that email

[Mommyofthreetobe]

I think what is driving me crazy, in part, is that the TPR already went through...Yet the mom keeps telling them things like "well, when you come back to live with me...." The kids have been in care almost 4 years now...and one of them was an infant when that happened....the only reason the 3 yr old even knows this woman is her mother, is that she has these visits...I dont see how this is POSSIBLY in the best interest of the children. But thats what they psych exam said, so thats what we do....

I am going to be getting a break for three days next week after the holiday. I feel bad...we are adoption minded and I feel like bringing my babies to a strangers house when they are obviously so vulnerable is maybe the last thing they need....but Im at the end of my rope....I just want to run away soemtimes and never look back.....


and if a three day vacation can keep me from doing that, than thats what we will be doing...

The 3 yr old and the eight year old have been nonstop with the crying and screaming. The six year old with the agression. I guess, I expected that acting out after a visit was to be expected, but untill we had that break of a few weeks, i dont think i realized to waht degree the visits were effecting them....and I must say that Im really suprised at the parallel behaviors with all our foster kids....

I read the post that thelowlanders made and am thinking about trying some things with the 3 year old for the potty situation. We didnt want to swich back to pullups from big kid pants,becasue we thought that would encourage the regression. but maybe we need to. Dont imagine she'll like going to preschool in those!!!

Im sorry to those of you who are anticipating horrible holidays. :-( it just stinks...We are trying to make things work, why do they spin so far out of control????

[CaddoRose]

What I don't understand is how TPR has already been signed and she still get s visits. WT??? They aren't her kids anymore. TPR means she now has no, and I mean absolutely no parental rights whatsoever, or does it? I thought that's what TPR meant.

And who's psych eval said it was a good idea- the one for the Mom? Sorry, but who cares about what her eval says since she has lost the right to her children. Who is ordering the visits and is there someone above them that you could talk to about stopping them. Maybe a lawyer or their CASA/GAL?

This is just crazy.

[sethsmommy]

Originally Posted by CaddoRose

What I don't understand is how TPR has already been signed and she still get s visits. WT??? They aren't her kids anymore. TPR means she now has no, and I mean absolutely no parental rights whatsoever, or does it? I thought that's what TPR meant.

And who's psych eval said it was a good idea- the one for the Mom? Sorry, but who cares about what her eval says since she has lost the right to her children. Who is ordering the visits and is there someone above them that you could talk to about stopping them. Maybe a lawyer or their CASA/GAL?

This is just crazy.

These were my thoughts...Are they waiting out the appeal period? I would be very frustrated too. Take the break you need!

[Mommyofthreetobe]

Both the childrnes psych eval and the mother's actually...persoanlly, I feel like everybody is way too into this mother. They cater to her unlike anything I could have imagined without seeing it myself. She threatens suicide, they increase visits...they won't consider decreasing unless she is "stable." Ummmm...WT??? is right.

The caveet? The CHILDRENS psych eval (the older two, that is, not the baby) showed that discontinuing visits would be traumatic. But in reality, they really seemed okay without visits. Im totally open to something that would resemble and "open adoption" (although I realize that is not exactly what it will be due to the fact hat the TPR did go through) the 15th was the end of the waiting period and despite her threats she did not appeal. I think part of what the case worker is doing is trying to give closure so the extended family wont go for the kids...if that makes sense...she really doesnt think that would be the best thing for them... And if we make mom too upset, then extended family will be stepping in.


Not to mention, the children still have not been informed and are still beign told that "one day soon, I will get you back..." So we have to wean them into this slowly I suppose.