[tinatyme]

We had a very difficult morning in court. The shelter hearing for our magical munchkin was overturned by an appeals court months ago and this morning our circuit court judge decided to uphold that decision until a new shelter hearing was introduced by the DSS. What that means is that our 17 month old who has been with us since birth will now be reunified with her mother and 3 month old brother who are currently living in a shelter.

I don't even know how to process it. I'm not surprised. We have been through many reunifications before and always work to make it positive but we have never had a child this long return home and the thought of waking up in two weeks and not seeing her face is making me so sad.

Before the decision was handed down, we were sitting with her bmom and she said that she wanted to have a gradual reunification process with magical munchkin coming to stay with her on the weekends and staying at her same daycare for a while. I don't know now that she has won the case whether she will actually follow through with that and I don't know if that would be the best thing for the baby.

I'm in so much pain right now and I have to try and figure out in the next 3 1/2 hours how we are going to communicate these changes to our other children who have known her since she was born.

This is so difficult and there are times when I think (like right now) "why do we put ourselves through this" but then I think about magical munchkin and how much joy she has brought to our lives and maybe we have done the same for her so that she will be able to face whatever future better than if we had not been in the picture. These thoughts though make sense to my head but are doing little right now to soothe my heart.

[kydz_7]

My heart knows right where your heart is heavy today. We had our FS for 19 months (since birth) and then he was placed in a pre-adoptive home, friends of ours, though not too close. A story of how this decision came about is long and confusing but know we, for the 1st year had every intention on adopting him...he was returned home at 13 months old...it lasted all of 1 month then he came back to us, a very, very different child...not the happy baby we let go of once but now twice. It took alot of courage to let go but there is always a spot just for him. It was awful, it was terrible, it just plain hurts. TIME is your friend. Stay in some kind of contact with B-mom....remember,"keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer!" And make it well known to your CW/agency if child comes back into care, YOU are to be called first for placement. You taught this baby about how to love, how to be loved, happiness & laughter, I am sure. What a gift you have given this baby and what a wonderful start in life. In the end - no matter how things go in this crazy, frustrating, unfair, child welfare world...it is worth it to have touched a beautiful soul. May your heart be light.

[Withay]

I, too understand the pain you are feeling. I am in the middle of transitioning my 15 mo home. Last year I transitioned a 17 mo old home. Both came to me straight from the hospital after birth.

It is excruitiating, but knowing that I gave each of these precious spirits a good start helps. In all, I have transitioned so many precious spirits either to parents homes or to adoptive homes that I now know how to guard my heart a bit better. Does it get easier? No, you just learn how to handle it better.

Like kydz_7 said, time is your best friend in this.

Blessings

[tinatyme]

Thank you so much for your comments. It is really helpful to know that others have experienced this and moved on and continued to foster. I am moving back and forth between calm acceptance and tearful sadness. I have cried so much today but also had a conversation with the social worker about inviting the bmom to Thanksgiving so that magical munchkin can see her and spend time with her in a familiar environment and my other children can get to know her and will understand that munchkin did not just drop off the face of the earth. It is very hard though and I'm so glad I have other foster parents to "talk" to.

My mom cautioned that if we invite munchkin's bmom into our home environment then if she ever came back into care the bmom would know where we live, where the kids go to school, etc. What do you think? I told my mom I'm not too concerned because I don't think the bmom is dangerous. I just think she makes some really bad decisions. I don't want to be naive though and put my other children at risk.

In the next few days I will be taking about a million pictures and trying to capture in my mind every detail about her. This afternoon for the first time she sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" to me. If you weren't her mommy you probably wouldn't understand what she was singing but I started the song and then all of a sudden she was singing it too. These are the things that I worry about . . . what if no one understands her, what if they can't comfort her, what if they don't know about her special pillow that she can't live without. Again. . . crying. . .

[sergekel]

I am so sorry. I have not gone through this (yet) so I really dont' know what to say.

Thank you for loving her and teaching her what love is. I know that you will be sad because she isn't with you anymore...but since you taught her love (and a multitude of other things) you will always be with her.