[Heyheather]

We have 4 biokids from 18 to 8 and 1 adopted who is 10 yo. We have had her since she was 6 when she was seriously scalded by her foster parents. She struggles with the issues of RAD and we continue to see a therapist on and off. She is doing well although still isn't quite there in completely trusting us.

Exactly 1 year ago we got 1 month old twins who are doing very well and securely attached. Six months ago we were asked to take their 2 yo sister who we were told needed to be in a foster home with better order and structure but she we were told that she was behaving well.

Bio parents are doing part of their plan but not all of it. Court is in December and our CW says that the case is very grey and about 50-50 whether they will go for termination. Apparently, drugs are not the issue but domestic abuse (mom on dad) and lack of stability. Biomom is pregnant and due in the spring so they will have 4 children under 3. Our CW truly believes that this couple, although they are going to what they have to go to, are not making true changes in their behavior and the stress of being full time parents will cause them to return to old patterns. The court will probably only look at attendance and I've heard have a low standard of parenting. So I'm assuming that if there isn't a strong case for termination then the girls will all go back despite the CW.

Here's my frustration. Our 2yo FD is showing major signs of RAD and I'm just not dealing well with it at all. We had a 3 month honeymoon where she was doing ok other than these screaming fits (4-5 per day) when she didn't exactly get her way. We were dealing OK. By now I was expecting her to become more attached to us but in the last 2 months her behavior has gotten worse and her screaming fits more loud and frequent (not that bad 6-7 per day). We started back to homeschooling 2 months ago as well so my kids have been more busy and playing less with her plus they are getting tired of her fits. She also has severe language delays but not really understanding delays so she doesn't speak to us really other than copying the last few words we say. So this has been a big frustration for us but she does get help once a week and I spend 15 minutes with her most days just working on her language and she has been making progress. She is very clingy with anyone who comes to our home and literally hangs all over them even if a stranger. I can't trust her to be near the twins because although she seems to want to care for them she also can take toys and push them down. I understand that could be pretty normal for sibs but she doesn't have that base of attachment with us to "get" through having to live with 2 "younger and cuter" sibs. She doesn't seem to know how to play with toys by herself so I've rearranged the schedule so that she's up when the babies take a nap. When they are up, is when she is at her most difficult and gets into trouble and often ends up having her screaming/wailing fits. She has also been difficult with my 8yo son but poking and hitting him and the other day she bit him (not badly). Lately, she not been cooperating with her speech therapist either. She isn't a horrible kid though - it's not as if she's "bad" all day but I've noticed that she lacks those endearing qualities that I usually love about 2 yos.

I'm just at my wits end with her - it seems like we should be further along. I've been spending bits of time with her throughout the day, making eye contact (she does), and trying to give her attention when the babies are up. I've just been getting so frustrated with her that I'm feeling angry with her and I just know that she can feel that so that just adds to our distance. She does great with my dh as she does with all men. I'm just feeling so awful (I'm crying writing this) - I don't feel that parent love for her like I do for the babies but I do feel very committed to her so I don't want to send her on her way. I know that we've had rough patches with our 10 yo as well and I've felt that committed feeling instead of the love feeling. But this just feels worse than that and often I'm just going through the motions. I have been having a hard time getting funding for her to get into our play therapist so now our therapist has volunteered to see her/us pro bono next Monday because she feels so strongly that at her age we can do some turning around. But how much work should we go through if the girls are just going to be going back in a few months?

Does anyone have any words of advice or encouragement that there is hope her?

Thanks!

[Lorraine123]

I have a RAD child, so i understand exactly how you feel. It is impossible to feel the warm love for a child that cannot and will not return any of it. Instead of "love", I often feel responsbility. There are days that I truly believe "If I didn't do this, who would???" Its very difficult.

At age 2, this child has a great chance at healing. It sounds like you are very dedicated to her and you are doing a lot of the right things. Keep holding, rocking, and loving this child. I would look into attachment therapy as opposed to play therapy.

Any progress you make towards a healthy attachment will benefit this child. Even if she returns to her biological parents, the healing that you do, will stay with her. Once she learns to attach, she can transfer that attachment. If she never learns, then she will grow up to be a very angry girl.

Do all you can in the short time you haver her. She is lucky to be in your home.

[kxl164]

We didn't have as many responsibilities as you, but we were in a similair situation.

We were placed with 2 children, one with issues almost exactly matching your 2yo. He could act very charming, but it was all superficial. He didn't know how to play. He had speech delays and would repeat the ending of our phrases to show he heard us, but didn't understand and couldn't compute anything. He would emotionally and physically freeze when he got overwhelmed. He would go from being fine to targeting the baby with his aggression. He would scream and throw himself around bodily. He had an affinity for men, but was distant with me. He was 24 months at placement.

It has been a long road, but he is doing so well now.

We also were sort of a cross-road, we had to do something becuase it was getting very hard to parent him, and very hard to like him some days, but we were committed to helping him; however, it looked like reunification was highly likely so would it really do more harm than good to get him into therapy or work with him too much if it was just going to make things harder on him (and us) now, just for him to have to go through a major upheaval with a move back home.

We got help from a play therapist. It made a huge world of difference. I got help dealing with his behaviors and support for myself in dealing with them. His speech therapy was changed to two half hour sessions a week to make it more regular and less stressful for him.

In the end, although the children were scheduled to be returned home for a trial placement, it never happened and now we are their forever home.

We needed attachment therapy for this child after TPR was done (he would have needed it with his birthfamily too if he had gone home, but he was "allowed" to get it until in a permanent home).

2.5 years later things are not perfect but they are much better. We have "graduated" from in-home attachment therapy and he will soon be getting weekly mainanence therapy with a child psychologist. With the emotional calming came huge progress with speech and developmental skills. His trust is growing day by day. He is still wary, he still acts out, he still tries to manipulate, but now he does it as a way to "check" to make sure we still love him. After over 18 months of daily issues with serious problems with behavior and trust and abilities, things started getting better (stopping visits made a huge impact on his progress). Now, he needs a lot to push him over the edge into severe behaviors, and we can usually stop things before they happen. He still is wary and has to test us, but everytime he does he gets reminded that he is safe, that this home is real.

I have to add, he moved around so much when he was little (9 different homes and 10 different caregivers in 24 months) that passing the 2 year mark in our home, and no visits, and our consistency and help with attachment therapy coincided with another big leap in progress.

Stability and consistency and therapy will help her and you, but it is a long road. It is possible to get much better, however, you do need to be prepared for it to get really bad before things improve.

Best of luck!

[Heyheather]

Thank-you so very much for taking the time to reply! I'm keeping them for when it gets tough with her. For some reason she is having a great day today. Maybe on some level she knows my dh is coming home tonight from his conference.

I really appreciate your support.