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  #1  
Old 10-20-2008, 08:23 PM
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drumteagan drumteagan is offline
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4 year old humping 3 year old?

We have had our 4 1/2 year old for almost a year. My husband caught her dry humping our 3 year old in a chair while they were watching a movie. He had litterally walked out of the room for 2 minutes and came back and she was going at it against the 3 year olds back. He said they were laughing but he made her get off and called me. I got home about 3 minutes later and when I asked her why she did it (we have had talks about this in the past) she said because she knew I wasn't home. My husband watches them very carefully and she knows that he disapproves of this behavior too. When I have caught her masturbating in the past (about 6 times) have been calm and explained that we do this in private and to NEVER do it to someone else. Especially the 3 year old. This time I lost it and screamed at her and sent her to her room. We had to move her out of her beautiful newly painted room to a spare room by herself. I reported it to the cw and no one seemed to think it was a big deal. I have been reading like crazy about this and can't seem to feel any better about it. I'm not a prude but was highly sexaulized as a child and it distracted me so much from what was really important. How do I keep her from becoming like this? I turned out OK I guess but I can't help from feeling disgusted by her. I know that is an awful thing to say about a 4 year old and I hate feeling this way. Any one have any ideas? We are starting up counseling again. I might go just for my own issues too. I don't want her continuing to do this to others. Read my previous posts if you would like more details. Thanks.
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*Feb 11, 2007 Took weekend classes/Foster
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*March 25, ish 2007 Took adoptive weekend classes
*April 11, 2007 Safety Audit of home
* Saturday July 14, 2007 Licensed!!!

August 17, 2007 First Placement!!! Little "I" 2 yrs old.

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November 14, 2008 Our beautiful safe haven baby boy! 2 days old! What a wonderful surprise!







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  #2  
Old 10-20-2008, 08:42 PM
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thelowlanders thelowlanders is offline
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Has she seen pets doing this?
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Bio baby girl is here!

Bio son: 8 yrs old
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FD: place here 7/30/09 Our 1st teen moved to her next "victim's" house
FD: ze Master Manipulator 3yrs old Back w/her mommy
FS "Ze rager" 12mo. moved to new foster home where he's the only child under 16 2/09
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  #3  
Old 10-20-2008, 09:55 PM
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My honest reaction is that I'm more worried about your feelings of disgust for this 4-year-old child than I am about her actions. I can understand you feeling disgusted or upset by what she did to her 3-year-old sister, but not for who she is, if that makes any sense. If this little kid is picking up on the fact that you feel disgusted with her, she could really be traumatized by the shame. She's awfully young to have to deal with that level of toxic shame and guilt.

It sounds like maybe you're being triggered big-time about your own childhood. It's important not to project your own issues onto her, IMO. I do understand why her behavior is unsettling and worrisome to both you and your husband. I'd just really hate to see this become a permanent source of shame and guilt for this little girl.

Do you know if this child ever experienced sexual abuse of any kind? If not, has she witnessed anybody else being abused? I ask this because an extended family member of mine witnessed his mother being raped by his father when he was around 3 years old. A couple years later, another family member walked in on him humping his cousin who was the same age. I wondered at the time if he was reenacting the trauma of seeing his dad rape his mom.
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  #4  
Old 10-20-2008, 10:14 PM
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AmyAnne AmyAnne is offline
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May I recommend a book for you to read with the kids?

"A Very Touching Book" by Jan Hindman
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http://amyanneclogs.blogspot.com/
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  #5  
Old 10-21-2008, 06:23 AM
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i don't have advice about the act, but don't beat yourself up too badly about your reaction. at least you recognize you have big feelings about it because of your childhood. good for you for starting up the counseling.
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  #6  
Old 10-21-2008, 09:38 AM
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Our adopted daughter used to hump all kinds of things, to the point that she was straining, her face would turn red, and she would even sweat. She was evaluated by a sexual abuse "expert" (don't recall at this time what his actual qualifications were) who told us that he did not think that there had been any actual SA. In her case, he felt it was from either being exposed to inappropriate sexual situations (witnessing bio-mom) and/or as a comfort mechanism. It has diminished considerably over the years (she is 9 now). We still do keep an eye on her.

I hope there is not a connection in her mind between her humping and you running home from where ever you are. She could really manipulate that.

I would recommend redirecting her to her bedroom with as little emotion as possible. I wouldn't really address it with her either except to say that you need to do that in private, and you are not allowed to do it to others. She probably does not know why she does it, or can not articulate clearly what the reasons are.
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  #7  
Old 10-21-2008, 10:47 AM
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Good for you on the counseling. When the kids do things that bring up emotions that we need to deal with, then we need to deal with them. It sounds like you are reading and talking to people to find the best solutions you can to help her and to help yourself. I think if people are really honest with themselves, all of these things that others do that we are supposed to just accept, if we really have a hard time accepting it, then we need to deal with that. I think this will end up helping both of you tremendously. Keep doing a good job, and just keep trying to find the best way to deal with the situation.
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  #8  
Old 10-21-2008, 11:32 AM
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BethVA62 BethVA62 is offline
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I don't think this is such an odd thing, and probably isn't always caused by sexual abuse or exposure.
In my opinion it is kind of normal unless it continues for a long time or seems to be a big problem for the child.

In my years of day care I've had several young children that have done this. Boys and girls. My kids did it too, but not to the degree of some of the others I cared for. One little girl eventually rubbed the fabric off the arm of a chair doing it. One little boy tortured us all for weeks with his little willie, he got bored with it soon enough. I always stopped them when I saw it, just as if they were doing something like, biting, hitting, picking their nose, not sharing, or peeing in the corner, toy box or the trash can cause you might miss something if you go to the bathroom!
I always told them it's just not something you do in front of other people or to other people. If you are a dog it's ok, that is what dogs do, but even the dogs get a reprimand if they do it in front of me!
It's not sexual to them I don't think, most kids don't understand sex enough. It just feels good and they are learning about their bodies. Masturbation is natural and nothing to be ashamed of, but just like sex, we need to be taught when and where to do it. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it with her, it will pass, and if it doesn't then it could be time to worry.
I would try and evaluate why you feel so disgusted by her actions. And I am curious/confused as to why your husband couldn't handle it and needed to call you to come home and deal with it. Has it become that big of a problem?

Wishing for you patience and the right words and understanding to deal with it all. Hang in there Mom
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  #9  
Old 10-21-2008, 08:59 PM
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Thank you all for the posts! I feel much better about it today. I did a lot of reading and talking and searching. I believe she was either sexually abused or wittnessed something in her first foster home. They were planning on adopting her when she was removed due to their other pre teen adoptive children (brother and sister) were caught having sex with eachother. They "say" that nothing happened to her but I doubt if the bro and sis were left alone long enough to do what they did ...that they were watching her as closely as they should have been. I don't know ...I wasn't there. That is half of the problem, not knowing. My Mom and I gently talked to her today and went through her life book to see if anyone triggered a response (verbal or non verbal) and she hesitated on the girl's picture but said she did not remember her. She told us later that our niece had done something to her in a bedroom but we know it isn't true because she has only seen her twice (she lives out of state) and has never been left alone with her. We have always spent time in common areas and doors are not closed in my mother's house. After much thought I looked at her book again and saw what a HUGE resemblance the pre teen from the first house looked like my niece. They could be sisters. I'm probably just grasping at straws but it is the only thing I have right now.
As for my time away from the house I was down the street picking up food for dinner. I was only about 4minutes away and only gone for 15 minutes.

As for my husband...this was the first time for him wittnessing anything like this. He wanted my opinion before making any decisions. We share parenting. I would have done the same with him. He didn't freak out...I did.

I think I was disgusted because she hurt someone I love that was innocent. Our 3 year old has no interest in anything like this. She pretty much sees body parts just as she would treat a shoe...its just another thing. If and probably when the 3 year old goes back to her bio Mom she is going to have enough issues to deal with. I don't want her to have this one too. Just wanted to keep her safe.

Talked with "I" 4 year old today and told her the same speech again but this time I said that she should have something to do when she feels the urge to self please. Yes, I used terms she could understand. All, I could think of was a binky (I know 4 is too old but it much better than humping something) or maybe a soft blanket or something. Any ideas on this? She promptly refused the binky anyway.

Another problem is that we are not bonded very well. I care for her, I love her but I do not feel the same connection that I feel with the 3 yr old. I want to so badly but I think I am trying too hard. Someone said "fake it till you make it" I have been trying that too. She is so smart and funny and she has overcame almost every obstacle she has had since we have had her. She has one still hanging on .... I just want to help her.

So, we will see what counseling has to offer and keep at it. Thanks again for all the words of comfort and even the words to jolt me. I needed them too.
__________________
*Feb 11, 2007 Took weekend classes/Foster
*March 11, 2007 Turned in Application and all paperwork
*March 25, ish 2007 Took adoptive weekend classes
*April 11, 2007 Safety Audit of home
* Saturday July 14, 2007 Licensed!!!

August 17, 2007 First Placement!!! Little "I" 2 yrs old.

December 13, 2007 Big "I" 4 years old!

November 14, 2008 Our beautiful safe haven baby boy! 2 days old! What a wonderful surprise!







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  #10  
Old 10-23-2008, 10:39 AM
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jphollen jphollen is offline
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We had a sexually abused six year old fd. She had been exposed to various activities as well as victimized by various children and adults. We knew the history we didn't know what it would look like for her to sexually act out. (we weren't told she did this and weren't ready for it). Dry humping stuffed animals, using various objects just to name a few. I had a hard time, my husband had a hard time...I felt really guilty for being so "grossed" out. I think that reaction is somewhat normal. It's hard to imagine little kids as sexual let alone to see it.

Good luck my heart goes out to you and all of the kids
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  #11  
Old 10-23-2008, 12:58 PM
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jllambert jllambert is offline
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I have had two little girls (at different times) age 2 and 3 that would hump things (never other children). They were both very bad about it in the car seat. By the time we got where we needed to they would be a sweaty red faced mess. There was no way to make them stop and I really don't think they thought anything about what they were doing they just liked how it felt! It drove me out of my mind, but they have to be in a car seat! One of the lil girls did it in the booster chair at the table too(changed to a different kind of booster). Once they were no longer in the car seat (when big enough changed to a booster with seat belt) they seemed to forget all about it! I was never able to find out if either girl was SA or exposed to sexual things, and now it does not seem to be an issue!
I guess I said all of that just so I could say I understand how you can feel disgusted about the behavior. I too just thought it was super icky, but I had to remind myself the child did not know that it was icky or why we would think it was icky.
Sorry you are having to go through this! Please try not to be to hard on your self or on her!
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BS~D (15YRS)
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AD~"G" (2 yrs) 4 days old!When Placed 01-08-08
AD~"I" (3 yrs) 19mths(when Placed) Placed 03/22/08
AD~ "V"(5 yrs) 3yrs when placed 07/18/08

Former Foster kids:
FS~ "A"16 months :
FS~ "E" age 16 months
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