[momof2redheads]

I have a question.... How do you deal with the teen who is happy in your home everything going good and then out of nowhere they tell you they want out of your house?
My FD has been with us almost 2 years. We have made her part of our family from the beginning. Every time something doesn't go her way, right now it is school, she says she wants to leave. This last time she yelled at me to call the agency and have her moved. I told her no that I was not giving up on her to which she replied she would call herself. I told her she knew where the phone was. I have to say I was surprised she actually made the call. She has never before. Of course everytime she starts to involve herself with her bio family something happens. Last time she ended up in the hospital. I really have no idea what to do. My family will be ripped apart if she really leaves. My bd says she really loves fd and doesn't want her to leave. None of us do. She is turning 18 after Christmas and told someone that she will stay until then and leave after she turns 18. I said to the caseworker that I will not let her stay and be used. If she wants out then she gets out. What more can I do?

Thanks for really just letting me vent. I think heartache is heading my way.

[melissa_bear003]

I'm so sorry. It sounds as though she needs someone to be angry at, and you're it.

Has she had any counselling? Could she have RAD or depression?

Best of luck

[stevenstwin]

The harsh reality is that if she wants to leave, she'll leave. And it is very appealing to teens to think they can be "on their own" and not have any rules or responsibilities. My son got that sweet deal at 16, when Children's Services paid to set him up in his own apartment. If that happens - now or after she turns 18 - you are going to need to give her some space and redefine your relationship with her. It won't be the same - but it can still have some positives. Austin went completely "nuts" and cut me off entirely for a few months, then started to come back, emotionally. I had to be very clear that I would not by "used" - as in, comes around when he wants something. It's hard, but it is working in its own very different, not-so-much parent and child sort of way. I just got back from a meal with him, Ironically! He stops by at school to chat, or texts me a couple times a week. Today if was "Do you want to catch a coffee or late lunch so we can catch up?" I thought that was fairly mature -BUT I bite my tongue a lot. Give my opinion when asked, and then shut up. He's NOT attending school regularly any more and will likely fail, but I've had to let go of ownership....

[jbee]

one of ours says he wants to leave every time he gets caught for something. the worker was here the other day and basically told him if he wants out he has to work a plan and do it himself. get a job, keep it, graduate, etc. there are no other homes in the agency who can take a teenage boy right now and he can't survive on his own. no judge will move him. they know he is just full of it and in trouble, thats why he asks to be moved.
even though he is 18 he is in fc through juvie probation so can't just leave because of his age.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by jbee

one of ours says he wants to leave every time he gets caught for something. the worker was here the other day and basically told him if he wants out he has to work a plan and do it himself. get a job, keep it, graduate, etc. there are no other homes in the agency who can take a teenage boy right now and he can't survive on his own. no judge will move him. they know he is just full of it and in trouble, thats why he asks to be moved.
even though he is 18 he is in fc through juvie probation so can't just leave because of his age.

Interestingly, no judge was required here - the social worker decided to set Austin up on his own at 16, and no judge was required to rule. It was a completely unilateral decision. Is it different where you are, or is it because yours is on probation?

[jbee]

the agency worker made it sound like the probation officer could have him moved, but needs to get the judge's ok if it is not just into another foster home...out on his own, to grandma's (who won't take him anyway, long story), to some other sort of program, and the p.o. would have to give the ok and have a good reason to put him with another family instead of us. the p.o. likes and understands us because one of our other fs is on his load too.
i think it is because of the probation, ds' mom signed herself out at 18 and wasn't on it. the next day, though the cw got the judge to cut bmom out of the fc system legally.
our other fs on probation actually chose to stay on it so he could stay here and finish school faster. po and judge would have released him probably because he is more responsible and has had a good job for awhile, is doing well in school and improving independent living skills. he now is managing his credit, doing banking, etc etc.

[ranoutofnames]

She's about to turn 18yrs old... it's a scary time even for a child who has seemed stable or seems to not be scared of anything. When it comes down to it, they are often scared of becoming an adult, of graduating from high school, of leaving the system. A big world of unknowns and a whole lot of real and imagined pressure.

Most of my teenage foster kids start acting out similarly right before turning 18 or right before graduating.

In addition, I was like this as a teen too... and I came from the most ideal home ever. My mom just chalked it up to me being at that point where my wings needed to spread but I was scared to leave the nest so I was being naughty.

Most of my teens do leave once they turn 18yrs old, but they drift back into our lives within a few months. I had one teen girl and her baby leave. A couple months later they showed up at my house with a cake... she didn't have anyone else who cared us much as us about her daughter's 1st birthday.