[EandDmom]

Well apparently mom is listening to the judges words because she finally stayed clean long enough to have a visit last thur. First one she has had since middle of aug. One of her therapists met me outside and said we are sneaking in the back door there is someone here I don't think the kids need to see. Well that freaked me out a bit thinking what the heck is going on. I got to see the caseworker before the visit was over so I asked her and she at first had no idea what I was talking about then she said oh great grandma brought mom for her visit and apparently just thought she could visit the kids also. Caseworker said it doesn't work that way. She said they know nothing about her and where was she months ago when the kids went into care. She said if she wants to visit the kids she has to get approval. I was surprised and pleased that they took this approach. I asked her if she thought she was going to want to do a kinship and she said I don't think that would be a good idea. Since mom is only 18 I'm guessing great grandma is probably in her 60's so it would be doable but difficult I'm sure.
Visit went well except fd had told mom she wanted a dora blanket for her birthday and since we knew she wasn't going to see mom at her birthday and it was the only gift she asked for we got her one. Well sure enough mom had a dora blanket for her this visit (6 weeks after birthday) and according to mom fd took one look at it and said I dont' want it I already have one at home. Which of course made mom cry. Fd is only 4 so she didn't realize how much that would hurt her mom. It was a double whammy first that she didn't want her gift and second that she called our house home. Part of me felt really bad for mom but part of me was thinking well if you would have stayed off the drugs you would have gotten to see her on her birthday and given her the gift she wanted instead of us having to do it. She of course now loves the blanket from her mom and carries both of them around with her. It was funny last sat. when I was at work she told my dh my mommy gave me this blanket and my mommy gave me this blanket. It took him a moment to realize she was talking about me and her mom. I thought that was sweet.

[jllambert]

I hope this does not happen with your bio-mom, but with a few of ours this type of rejection from their kids sent them right back to the drugs. It is sad, but it has happened many times with our bio-moms!

[brighteyes810]

That is so cute how she showed she knew the difference between you and her firstmom, sees you both as Mom, couldn't figure out how to explain that, and the way she said it. I miss my kids when they were so young!

I used to feel bad at times about how firstmom reacted to things as well (I didn't feel bad when she would blow things out of proportion and make up lies about the situation). I had to remind myself when I started feeling bad for her that:

1. My foster kids were my priority, not the parents. It was my job to provide a safe and loving home for my foster kids. There are already so many foster care rules that make it hard to have a "normal" home, I couldn't worry about what the firstmom would think or feel and make my home awkward for our foster kids. I wanted the kids to feel comfortable and at home as much as possible.
2. I wasn't the one that chose to start and continue doing drugs, not get help, and not work on services provided by the state prior to removal of my children. (Often first parents are offered many chances and services before the kids are even removed from the home.)
3. I couldn't be the one to decide for the firstmom to go to rehab and get her life together. That had to be her choice, it was beyond my control. If she wasn't going to work to sober up and improve her life, that was her choice and she was not only hurting her kids, but herself too. I didn't do anything to make her sad, it was her own choices that did that.

Although, I also used to sometimes wish I could wave a magic wand and make her life better. It sounds like you are a kind, caring person. Our foster care system needs more people like you.

[EandDmom]

Originally Posted by jllambert

I hope this does not happen with your bio-mom, but with a few of ours this type of rejection from their kids sent them right back to the drugs. It is sad, but it has happened many times with our bio-moms!

Believe me that was one of the first thoughts I had as well. I hope not.

[EandDmom]

Brighteyes810 Thanks for your kind words and I'm working on trying to not think it is my job to save mom from herself but to just hope she finds the way. It is so hard with her being the same age as my daughter I just feel so drawn to wanting to mother her.

[brighteyes810]

Originally Posted by EandDmom

Brighteyes810 Thanks for your kind words and I'm working on trying to not think it is my job to save mom from herself but to just hope she finds the way. It is so hard with her being the same age as my daughter I just feel so drawn to wanting to mother her.

I can understand why that would be even harder to resist feeling guilty. Especially when, by nature, you want to help people.

[CaddoRose]

Originally Posted by EandDmom

Thanks for your kind words and I'm working on trying to not think it is my job to save mom from herself but to just hope she finds the way. It is so hard with her being the same age as my daughter I just feel so drawn to wanting to mother her.

I feel this way too about our FD's bio mom. She's so young, her mother is deceased and she has almost no family. She isn't a drug user, but she won't give up the abusive Dad and as a result will lose her kids. It's really sad. We all think she is abused by him as well.

I just have to remind myself that I'm here to make it different for these kids. To teach them how to live and not be like their parents and make bad choices. But still, it's heartbreaking.

[EandDmom]

Originally Posted by CaddoRose

I feel this way too about our FD's bio mom. She's so young, her mother is deceased and she has almost no family. She isn't a drug user, but she won't give up the abusive Dad and as a result will lose her kids. It's really sad. We all think she is abused by him as well.

I just have to remind myself that I'm here to make it different for these kids. To teach them how to live and not be like their parents and make bad choices. But still, it's heartbreaking.

That is very sad. She probably thinks he is the only person she has to "love" her.