[wynntx]

We are foster parents to a 9 month old little girl that we adore and her three year old sister that we can barely tolerate. We have been struggling since day one with major behavior problems from the 3 year old. She is argumentative, defiant, talks back, throws huge tantrums and has been physically aggressive with her sister and our DS. We are their second family and know that moving them will just cause more behavior issues, but we aren't sure we can handle it much longer.

Our problem is that we love the baby and we know that she loves us. She has become very attached to me and can’t go to sleep at night unless she has been held by me. The parent's rights will likely be terminated and we would adopt her in a heart beat. If we had to make a decision today, we would not adopt the 3 year old.

We have stressed to our CW and theirs how difficult the 3 year old has become. We have also asked numerous times when the baby's needs will be placed ahead of her sister's needs. Right now they are talking about medicating the 3 yr old, but they don't want to separate them at this time.

Do they ever split siblings? Or should we just get ready to say goodbye to them both? I just don't think that we are the right family for the 3 year old. It is killing me that I may lose my baby, but I also don’t think it is fair to the 3 year old to live in a home in which she isn’t really wanted.

[thelowlanders]

Have you asked for respite? I just took up the offer recently, and they are getting everything started up. I think.... that will help, but today was Awful.
My friend has almost the exact same scenario.
I did notice in adoption listings that 2 siblings will be offered together for a long time. But, before you know it, there's the little one listed separately. So...maybe...

[vernellinnj]

Well, as you know, with foster care there are no absolutes. But, I would say that it would be easy to find a home willing to take a 9 mos old and a 3 yr old. My guess is they would not separate the siblings at that age. Have you considered servics for the 3 year-old? Has she been evaluated?

Also...who's to say what will happen, over time, with the 9 month old? What if she became difficult to parent? I'm on your side, so please don't slam me!

I certainly agree that there is a home out there for the 3-year old. Hopefully everyone's needs/wants can be met.

[thelowlanders]

Hmm.. good point.
My friend who took on my FD's cousins thought the baby was angel and big sis a terror. But kept because of baby. Now... Baby sounds Exactly like sister
So ... you never know.

[chevyjewel]

Originally Posted by vernellinnj

Have you considered servics for the 3 year-old? Has she been evaluated?

This is what I was wondering. Instead of just medicating her has anyone attempted to find the root of all these behavioral issues, and tried to work them out? She could make a complete turnaround and become the sweetest angel if you can get the right people working with her. Never know!

[timleenettesue]

We did play therapy for our fd when she was 3. Her therapist pulled things out about her bp that I did not really want to know. Now she is becoming a great little girl (still has additude - but now because she thinks she's funny).

On the other hand now her little brother is becoming a pain in the butt. We will be talking to the cw to see if we can get him into therapy now that he is 3.

[DianeScraps]

How long have you had them? Our youngest was 4 when she moved in, and it took about 1 1/2 yrs to get things under control, and that was with a lot of therapy and such

[wynntx]

I have been worried that the baby will also exhibit some of the same behaviors. She is already starting to scream a lot. Even the girls’ CW is concerned about that.
We have had them almost 2 months. I know that it isn't a long time, but since we have had then the 3 yr olds behavior has gotten much worse. She has tried to hurt my son a few times and even has tried to hurt our small dog.
She is in play therapy, which recently changed to twice per week. So far they haven't gotten much out of her. I know that she has had no stability in her life, her parents are drug addicts and they were both abused, which is part of the reason we hate to give up. I know that her behavior is not her fault, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I do have to put my family first and my son is miserable. He actually had a breakdown last weekend and begged us to get rid of her. (And she is younger than him) My husband has gotten to the point where he can't stand to be around her most of the time. Trust me when I tell you that my husband is the kindest and most patient man I know. She is that hard to handle.
Unfortunately, our agency does not offer respite care. They suggest it, but know one we know wants to deal with her.
I just feel like we should give up, but at the same time it makes me feel like a terrible person for doing that to both of them.

[diane3]

you're in a tough place and my heart is with you. we had to "give up" one of our fsons about 3 months ago because we simply couldn't handle it anymore. it was the toughest decision we ever made, particularly as we still have 2 of his sibs. However, we have regular on-going contact with him and his new foster family. just went to his football game and to the new family's home on saturday. he is doing very well in his new home and his sibs are doing very well now in ours. what we learned was that he really needed to be away from his sibs if he was going to have any chance at making it. he was the oldest and always trying to be their parent (as you can imagine it didn't go well with the youngers). i still sometimes cry over it, but we really had to look at what was best for everyone. BTW, we had all 3 kids for over 1.5 years

[diane3]

i should also share that we had every service in place we could and the younger siblings were quickly being "left out" in terms of time to spend with them. we had therapy, family therapy, tutoring, mentoring, school social worker, and crisis team.

[dakotabluebaby]

I just wanted to add...

I was that baby and my sister was that 3 year old...except she was four.

My mother's husband made her choose either me and not her or neither of us. Thank God she chose neither of us. I can't even begin to imagine what my sister's life would have been or mine If I hadn't had her.

I don't have a lot of advice to offer...just that my heart jumped in memory when I read your post.

[kydz_7]

we had our FD since birth(16mths.now/special needs) and after 1 year in care and heading to adoption...the "state" stepped in and asked us to take her sister who was in another home because they wanted them to be adopted together. Don't rely on what the county says because once TPR'd , only state has say in keeping them together and almost all the time will push to stay together or they may pull to look for willing home and at those young ages they will have no problem finding adoptive home. Now, we have had her almost 2 year old sister for 7 weeks...and luckily no behavioral issues BUT now to bond like I already have with my FD...still stumps me because it is not as natural as how it happened with sister from birth. It's okay to not feel strong bond at first...it will come as time goes on...I would suggest...LEAVE baby with your hubby once a week and make a fun date with 3 year old. And we dont give enough credit to little ones...maybe she feels the tension of not being loved as much and shes acting out to get your attention. Put baby on the backburner for a few days...(she is securly attached) and give all your energy to 3 year old. You may doubt your bond to the child right now(still early) BUT don't doubt the bond of sisters through a lifetime. good Luck.

[HOPEFULINPA]

We got a sibling set in March. Baby boy 8 months and 20 month old big sister. Same situation. I Immediatley bonded with the baby...and actually disliked the sister. I looked for things wrong with her in an effort to get them separated and have her moved. I fantasized about relatives of her father (they have different fathers) stepping up to take her and leaving us with the baby.

Now seven months later I couldn't imagine my life without her. It takes time to bond with an older child, especially one that is going thru the terrible twos and threes.

She's been thru alot and she's acting out the only way she knows how. Give her AND YOURSELF a break. It's totally natural not to love her after 2 months.

[mommytoEli]

i agree that it sounds like you need to get her a psych eval. this will be very different from her play therapy session. we had our kids eval'd, after their therapist could not ever get anything out of them...even released them from therapy YIKES...and the psych was dead on with the dx! this allowed us to go back to therapy with a more specific focus and medicate appriopriately, which changed our lives for sure! she is so little, that there is probably a lot of room for improvement if someone will just help her out. call and specifically ask for a psych evaluation. whether she stays with you or moves on to another family, she needs people to know how to help her. you might find that with a little assistance in this area, she's a completely different child. yes, sometimes they seperate children...but i am pretty sure that the judge has to be convinced that many other things were tried and none of them worked out. good luck...it is a frustrating journey at times, isn't it?

[ArvadaFamily]

Two months into it and you are at the point where the 3 yr old is going to act out because she has been in your home for 8 weeks and she is testing boundries. Play therapy could take several weeks to start seeing things come out and be dealt with but it works! She is only 3 so there is hope.....your at a difficult point right now because its affecting your family......we went through the exact same thing with our last placement....our 3 yr old was violent, raged, screamed, you name it.......now 9 months later she is a different kid and doing well. All kinds of stuff came out at therapy and it put her on the road to being a good kid.