[thelowlanders]

I was just wondering when a family knows that they're "done"? Is this normal to feel this way sometimes? I feel terrible, but when they go on and on with their horrible scream fest I have to stop and think "What in the world was I thinking?" The all day glare, walking on egg shells to not set them off, the random "puddles" found in the house or looking right at you like "Ha!" and standing by it, to name a few of my daily experiences. I'm just thinking.... I miss our old life. But I feel like such a quitter. I committed to letting them stay with us until their home was ok for them to return. Will we move past this, or ......should we just get the hint.

[Happy123]

I knew that it was time for my foster daughter to go when she became violent with my bio daughter. My foster daughter was 12 and my bio daughter 9. We tried for months and months to get extra support to no avail. By the time we had an understanding SW, it was to late...the damage to the relationship was done. I knew that it was time because I knew that I had tried everything to get this child help. In the end, my children had to come first. I had to process giving up on relationship with a FC. Do I feel guilty..yes to this day. Do I feel bad..yes. But, the children in my home need to feel safe.
We tried to get help for almost a year before giving notice. Looking back, I wish I had not waited so long. I think that you need to give a child time to adjust in your home, but after that maybe it is just not a good fit. If you know that you did the best you could, then it is time to let go. I think that wanting to hold on is a natural reaction, but sometimes it is not in anyone's best interest.

[greenrobin]

Happy123 is right--you have to protect the kids in your home.

For us, we knew kids had to go when false accusations were made against our son in one case, and when the violence escalated to the point of making threats against our younger son. In the first case, the fd cried molestation. In the second, younger son had mono and the fs was threatening to punch him in the belly while he slept so that he would die. Ain't happening.

We tried to get help with the second case, but we were newly licensed and I think the agency thought we were overreacting. In the end, the police came to our house to remove an 8 year old. Cws removed the other 2 kids. All three went to therapeutic facilities. It was WAY beyond our experience level.

Yes, I felt really guilty. But, I also felt relieved. The stres level was horrendous. The guilt, not as much. I found that it dissipated rather quickly, although I still worry about the kids. I just wasn't the person to help these kids. Ending the placement allowed them to move on to places that could.

You are the only one who knows where your end point is.

[Chancey]

We have had a couple of placements where the kiddos really should have been in a moderate or therapeutic setting not a basic family. It sounds like these kids really do need to be in a higher level of care home or facility. You need to realize that someone that has more experience, training, etc might be able to work better with these children (no fault to you at all). You might want to look at it that it would be not only beneficial to your stress level, but beneficial to the foster kids in the long run. Gotta work past the guilt...

[CaddoRose]

You can set the level of care you wish to give and the age group you take also. Not every foster parent is able to take on therapeutic children. If they come into your home and are not settling in with two months and every day seems like a nightmare, you can end that. That type of situation is not good for you, your family or the foster children. They need a place where they can be taken care of on a level that you might not be trained to care for. It's ok to know what you can handle and stick to it.

[hubbyswife]

We had our xFS moved bc we just couldnt do anymore for him... in fact, he was regressing and getting angrier by the day.... he's now is a good treatment foster care home... and they are providing him w what we couldn't....

[thelowlanders]

Thank you. Your replies have been so helpful. We're working past the guilt. And just want what's best for her.
It's funny how a family can ask for help time after time on things and nobody cares. But....when you make the call of "I think we're all done" Suddenly, it's "How can we help you? Are there any services you need? Perhaps alot of Respite? etc. I wish they wouldn't have waited so long.
Anyway, It think our FD will be placed with a Gma Gpa type couple. She'll be the only child, and their little princess. ugh...not sure that's the best character builder for her, but.... I guess she'll be happy