[Sam-N-Tony]

Okay, as a seperate follow up to the other thread about possible molestation of ATX child.

My question is when is a child being a child and exploring ones body (or another), or what is "crossing" the line into molestation or sexual abuse.

I fortunately have not run into a situation like hers but I was kinda curious as to what do you write off and when do you worry.

[minibus]

In my state, there are age guidelines. I don't remember them off the top of my head, but at X years, one child has to be 24 months older than the other child for it to be a problem, at Y years, one child must be 36 months younger, etc. The older child, no matter if he/she is the instigator or not, is considered the perpetrator, unless there are unusual circumstances (usually developmental delay, etc.).

Of course, this is the legal guideline and what governs mandatory reporting. If there is force involved, I think that the age guidelines are null.

I think as a parent, though, you need to do what is right for your family. If it feels wrong, then you need to take action.

[Sam-N-Tony]

Thank you Minibus.

I was just wondering more in detail what one would consider normal vs. sexually acting out/abusive. How do you know its the "new" kid vs. the "old" kids?

I know you have to call it case by case, but having foster children and my own, it really worries me.

[Lorraine123]

I would look to see if it is age appropriate. Yes, children explore, but if a child is doing something that is recreating what was done to them, thats beyond normal exploration. Children aren't "molesters" or "predators", they simply are doing what they were taught. Our job is to reteach them.

[OakShannon]

I think this is a tough one. And I have no experience as a parent or foster parent, only as a teacher. In my experience, children up through kindergarten age (and probably older, but by then they've developed modesty so they're less open about it) do play games that can look sexual but are just really an expression of curiosity about their own and other's bodies. I've had kids play, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" in the bathroom or in the dramatic play area of the classroom. I also see kids masturbate during nap time in the classroom. I've seen it enough to believe that it's normal and while I explain that it isn't okay at school, I'm careful not to shame the children. So if we are talking about a young child - and children who are close to the same age, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there is necessarily something damaging going on. Although knowing that many foster kids have SA histories, I would carefully discuss it with the children to make sure.

[minibus]

"new" kids vs. "old" kid. I don't necessarily think you can tell with one situation, unless both kids are reporting that "Bob" started it, not "Joe". Even then, I would talk to both the kids about what was wrong about what happened between them and why. If it continues to occur, then I would start to have more serious concern. Always remember that kids are curious about their bodies and others'. If coercion or force is used, then I would worry on the first incident (coercion being one kid offering the other kid something in return for getting to play "doctor") - that's learned behavior, IMO.

[Kelly Rae]

This is a good question. With many children of my own, and being involved with my nieces, nephews, and friends children I have seen children learn about their bodies in typical and healthy ways. This in no way made me uncomfortable, but when I had a foster son act out in a way that crossed the line I KNEW it was not normal and something was differently wrong. I think that most people who have had this happen would tell you it felt wrong. I know this sounds kind of vague, but think you have to trust your instinct.

[ATXMOM]

You know in my case it may have been just play, but for me personally I can't take the risk. He is a foster child and I know nothing of where he came from. I could not live with myself if my only son grew up to hate us because he told us he was being touched inappropriately and we did nothing about it. My Dad told me that little boys just do gross things. I know that is true because I grew up with all brothers. But for me it came back to the fact that I just don't know what that little boy had been through before he got to my house. Was it just the beginning of more to come? I now know from his sister that their was in fact sexual abuse in their background. I reported it like I was supposed to, and they asked me what I wanted to do and I said terminate because I felt that even the smallest risk was too great. But others may be more able to deal with it than I am. For me this is my third set of foster kids.

[afamilythroughfoster]

Sam,
thanks for the question. I wondered myself. Especially with the toddler group. I wanted put this at the top in hopes that maybe we have some pysch people amongst us that can answer this question.

[Withay]

Another thing to look for is, was there penetration in any way, either with a finger or another object. If there has been, that would definitely be sexual abuse (imo).

[lovingheart]

Many years ago (about 11 I think) I was supervisor to a Parent Aide Program and was told by a social worker that a 4 year old and 5 year old girl were exploring naturally when inserting a marker into the other's vagina after I reported it as suspicious. I nearly flipped my lid...